Today I am feeling especially ugly, and not meaning in the sense of my appearance, I mean in the sense of my inner emotions.
I am sure that what I have felt is something that has been felt by others at some point in time, Yet I feel so alone. The anger and rage builds in me and sadness gets worse. I have so many questions I can't seem to get answers too and so much I dont understand.
Sure, it is easy for someone sitting on the other side of the fence to tell you how to clean your yard, but if they arent in it, walking in the Burrs ... then they just do not know.
Only God (if he is there) knows why things happen. They say everything happens for a reason, but for whatever reason we can't know the reason. Sounds like some kind of lame excuse to me. I mean Yea, God ... every way I've ever thought of feeling or posessed has a reason, huh ?? Adam has been out of work a year about now, and while we have prayed for God to help in some way .. where is he ?? EVERY job we have applied for says either too much or too little experience.. no experience necessary but you don't have enough experience. Tell me what sense that makes ? Now I have a landlord getting tired of dealing with our issues and we have no where to go, no job and a tiny car that doesn't even fit us all anymore. I am sure God had to have known this.. Maybe that is why Sawyer couldn't be here.
After finding out I was Preganant with Sawyer. I blamed myself because what I should have done was went out and got a job .. not stayed at home sitting on my toosh whining. How can that change a situation? So I prayed something would come along that I wouldn't have to break my convictions and could stay home, but nothing ever came. I prayed for a new Van because in our 5 seater Saturn, if I would have had Sawyer, I would have had to secure him to the trunk to get him home. I couldn't go to my doc appointments over 100 miles away with 2 kids sitting on the floor .. so I decided not to go. All of this along with the thoughts and meds I take occasionally give me the right (IMO) to feel they way I do. How could I be so irresponsible ? Every critic against me said the same. Now I knew what it felt like and my words have bit me in the butt since September 24th when Sawyer left my body.
How could I be one of standing behind my words of "the Lord provides" only to find that he doesn't ? How could I say such things and know this is the outcome ? I know now that I cannot ever leave my heart open to the pain and trusting again. No one understands unless they have walked in your shoes. How big an issue trust is for me anyway. I have very LITTLE in real life friends because of this factor. I like it that way. I put walls up and barracade myself indoors. You don't know my past - so don't judge me. Don't lecture me about how good things can be or how things can change. If God wants me to know, I suppose he will send some big huge sign only I would know, and how he knows would get my attention.
I feel betrayed. I am pissed ... I do not think it is fair one bit that I can't have some answers. God , if you are there, why do you let me feel so neglected ? Why do your words confuse me so when I try to read them ?? My thoughts get so jumbled and all the years of pain toil up, the festering bubbles eat at me like some virus devouring on my brain. Why did God allow me to get Pregnant to just take him away ? Why did I think that maybe the situation would turn around, and I could look back around Christmas holding my baby saying "See, my hubby has a job and God DID provide after all" .. So all could see that I wasn't making it up. No, instead I feel as the family and some friends smerk and display thier happiness at the loss of my son, saying I brought it on myself, I deserved what I got and how dare I mooch off of society bringing more children in my world when I can't even raise the ones we got properly. They are all proud that they are right now and onceagain I look like the fool.
I see thier point, I had ALL the same thoughts. Not one day passed of my pregnancy that I didn't think them.. waiting for God to do something miraculous ... But nothing came ... he wasn't there and now my son isn't here either. The immense amount of guilt has gotten to be too much, until the day I die, I will blame myself for this situation and every situation now gone bad.
My marriage is in the toilet. Just waiting to be flushed. We dont speak, we just coinhabit the same house living like robots. While it is quite weird. It is lonely. I find however .. I can't say anything. Do I even want to say anything ?? Do I even care ? I dunno.. for me, I just find it easiest to stuff these emotions far back and ignore the fact that the bad ever happened. I know inately they still exist, they did happen, but since the age of 12 I can live without the thought if I choose to forget them. Just easier .. what I am comfortable doing and how I like it. I do not like to be out of my comfort zone, especially in times where I hurt. I am not a crier. To me that shows weakness. I grew up a tomboy. You fall off.. you get back up, bleeding, no tears, you just go.
So I fell off my horse. I have to get back on. I have to forget this year ever existed, and try to find myself again through it all. Sometimes it would be so much easier to just take my pills and drift off to sleep. You have no idea how easy the idea seems or how easy it would be. But you don't understand. I have firmly convinced myself that no one does and the only person who would would be someone I would have to sit and pay while they wrote on the little crazy pad how well I am not doing. NOT gonna happen.
I am glad others can be happy or have nice things. Maybe it is thier perspective, but it is thier life, not mine. Maybe God sees them as being better people. I am glad they have had thier experience and I've had mine. For whatever reason I wasn't granted the thought to continue a change, it just isn't me. Never has been and at 37 never will be. I have to be me, I have to display my words as they come or share how I feel. Even if it isn't the truth that the majority want to hear. That is just my life. I can't seem to posess the fakeness some do and be someone I am not.
I may not be okay .. I may have to become a new me with new convictions and a new way to think just as I changed before I can change again, or I could always not change at all. I am not strong, I am weak. I am not encouraging, I am discouraging .. why God would ever use something for MY good is far beyond me. I don't know what he would think, because I am NOT and never will be anything special. I don't have it in me to be something to others that I CAN'T be for myself. I am a failure at being a wife and mother and everything I once believed seems to be a lie. I am tired of doing everyday tedious things. Kids, school, laundry, cooking, eating and cleaning. I feel so useless and everything seems so pointless. What is the reason for breathing anyway ? I sit day in and day out with the mundane, triffling thoughts of insecurity. You may think that is an issue, but I don't care. People come in and out of my life for whatever reason, if not most to just amuse themselves. You don't know the half of my life. I only share with whom I trust. September 24th just brought back a wave of emotion I had long forgotten and yet again have to feel everyday.
They say I lost my son .. but I think I really just lost myself. Maybe I was lost all the time .. I just never knew it.
Tammie
Tammie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I am not going to give you lame platitudes. I will tell you this, this is too much for any one person to bear. Too much. And you've probably only shared a small amount of everything you've dealt with recently.
With that said, I think that the culmination of so many events has probably left you clinically depressed. Depressed enough that it could be a serious risk to your ability to function, problem-solve much less experience joy again.
It is worthwhile to go see a doctor. Like NOW. And whether or not you normally hold an objection to medication, I think you ought to ask your Doctor about it. For your own sake. If you were a diabetic, even if you tried diet and exercise, you might still need insulin to remain healthy. And anyone who told you otherwise would be considered naive. Please call a doctor right away. I can imagine you don't trust them, don't like them, and might not want to spend the expense of going to see one - but please do.
Lastly, I'll be praying for you, your children, your marriage, your vehicle and home.
Love,
Sabrina
I've been where you are. I lost my sweet baby girl RuthAnne at 1 month old. She was a fraternal twin. Her twin brother is now 9.
ReplyDeleteI watched her suffer and die. There was nothing my dh or I could do but stand in our dining room watching her life draining out of her and wait for the ambulance. She took her last breath as we heard them pull up in front of our apartment building.
I begin to doubt everything I believed as truth before she died. I became a tormented soul. I lived with fear as my constant companion. I couldn't sleep, eat. Couldn't even swallow. I began to have panic attacks and drs. kept prescribing me sedatives which I never took.
I had 6 other children at the time to take care of and I don't know how they even survived.
I almost committed suicide by driving off a bridge but Father stopped me by reminding me that I had 6 other children to care for who were in the car with me at the time.
I literally had a nervous breakdowna nd stopped functioning. My body physically couldn't take the grief of watching my 1 mo. old baby girl who I nursed at my breast and held in my arms die and suffer. I started having all sorts of weird manifestations of my grief in my physical body.
All the while I was taking care of 5 children and another a newborn baby I was nursing and who was a constant reminder of what I lost. I felt awful I felt that way but it's how I felt at the time.
Did I mention that I prayed for 7 yrs for twins? And then Father took my dd. I didn't just lose my baby girl. I lost my twins too. And that is a another grieving process altogether.
This is just a bit of my living hell during those first months and years after her death. In the end I finally had to make a decision to quiet the voices in my head and the fear and sadness in my heart. I made a choice even though I didn't understand and even though I was angry and was doubting to believe in Christ. I didn't feel it but I knew the choice was mine. I couldn't take one more day alone. I had noone. But I realized I did have Him even if I didn't feel it He was there. So I literally made my choice and spoke it out loud. I read his word. I rewrote the entire book of Romans in my own words one chapter at a time. I prayed constantly. I put scriptures all over my house everywhere. Father didn't pull me out and take away the pain. Everything didn't get better overnight. Like I said it took me years but I didn't have to walk it alone once I made my choice. He walked it with me. It wasn't easy. I was still mad. I still doubted. I was still afraid. Even today I have to fight against letting bitterness take root in my heart? Why did He take her after 7 yrs of prayer? Why give me twins at all??
I might never understand until I behold His glorious face but I still choose everyday to trust Him. I still choose to believe..
It's your choice. Only you can make it..
It will be a battle and it will be hard..
It's okay to be angry and it's okay to yell at Father and tell Him what you think and feel. He is a BIG God and He can handle it. He can handle your emotions.
Throw a tantrum. You do what you need too. It's ok..Grief is different for everyone. There is no set rules.
Praying for you!