The Intensity of a Loss.

Once again I have decided to share some thoughts out of my head, to purge the ever widening sacrement that has filled my heart and found that somewhere along the lines I have slightly missed the taste of letting out all my inner fear and angst that came with blogging. It has been a while to say the least, I like to write, but don't often think people like to hear what I have to say or that I, personally could say anything of any importance.

Since the time of my last writing, we have had alot going on. It has been a very long and hard year. Adam still has not found a job and we are still at the edge of what feels like a very large precipice every single week. Along the way, and on the morning of Saturday, September 24th, I woke to cramps and a gush of fluid that was the life of our son, Sawyer leaving me as I breathed. Since that time I have felt that life is full of emotions I never knew I had, and feelings I never knew existed. Schizophrenia might be a good way to describe it occasionally, and the ups and downs of life seem so very raw and unfair.

I see others happy and I just don't feel it right to be. I see others rejoice in maybe a similar loss or blessing, where I just do not feel I can. I am so angry and bitter inside some days I want to explode. I want to scream at people and can't or want to cry and have to go hide. I am not a sharer of emotions .. not very well atleast, and to me I guess it is a sign of weakness. I have the habit to just curl up and hold the feelings inside and let the issue fester until it becomes an orchestrated mess of filth. I do not like talking about it or sharing how raw the pain feels.

I do however feel this time, it has been too much. I have contemplated just ending it all and leaving this world in some hasteful and quick way of thought. I have thought of becoming all that I envisioned my life to be, yet don't know why anyone would want to come to me for answers, for inspiration or even to read what it is I have to say. I am honest in my words in that I can tell you, yes, it hurts THAT much.

I get mad at others when they tell me that I should be thankful for what I have and I feel confused when they understand me so little.

If only I could tell you that my heart hurts because the very words I stood by .. I backed down on. The ground was taken from beneath my feet and I was quick to fall on my rear. What I thought was something I stood for, had became something I detested. How could I be the one to let my own self down SO much ? So muc that all I felt was depression and devesation from every level ??

I told God that I wanted him to trust me with more children, that he could give me all I could handle and I would be okay with it, However when the time came and the blessing was given .. .. all I could do is to turn and question God instead. "Why God, with Adam loosing his job, did you choose ME to have another" ? "Why now, God" ?

Immeadiately after, I then found myself trying to bargain with God .. trying to make sense of my life even though it felt like it was unraveling with greater force than an atomic bomb. "God .. if we could just get a bigger van I would feel so much better about this" .. "God if Adam could get a job, more pay, better benefits" .. etc. etc. ... to tell the truth the list goes on. I shocked myself because all the years I thought I was standing for my beliefs .. I found I actually wasn't ready to do so when the time came. I felt like a loser. "What were others going to think or say to me now" ?? I thought .. I mean afterall, we are on public assistance at the moment and so many look down upon it ... and seemingly so with the more children one has. The family will always have some kind words to express to us .. that is a given. Let us not even wonder what non family would have to say. "I".. who really could care less what people think now as a direct result of my past, suddenly and emergently seem to care ????

Then here, on that Saturday morning, as I thought my trust was in God, when in fact it wasn't, the feeling of my Sawyer's life rushed past me. I knew then that I had made a fatal error in my thinking. To this day and for the remainder of my life, I will place the blame on myself. I couldn't see the greatest blessing given to me right in front of my own face, and now .. as he who would have been my son, the life given to me as a gift - a lighthouse to see through the fog of the bad year, lie in my arms, lifeless at 24 weeks, I had to swallow my pride and find a way to live my life again. Live my life knowing what I knew now and go on living without him.

How could the very words I was supposed to stand for come back to sting me like a squadron of bees on a killer man hunt ?? Since that time and as my due date approaches.. I just feel numb inside. I feel complete and utter terror at the thought of ever having to go through that again and having to feel the way I have. I do not feel closer to anyone, yet feel the distance is so spance that I have fallen into a glacial crevasse. I want to reach out, but then feel that the pain of recirculating the wound might hurt more than the first time, so I find it easier to hide. I wish someone knew .. I wish I felt someone understood, yet I feel so very alone in all of this. Alone with my thoughts and missing who would have been my son.

He was here.. for a brief and shallow moment. I felt him kick .. I felt his hiccups and I knew his heart beat within me. I don't know if ever I will understand why he couldn't be here with me, why I feel as I did then or as I do now. I do not understand so very much, I am confused, lost, angry and upset. I want to scream out with the intense frustration I have felt, that I loved him and how dare God take him from me after I asked, but yet I doubted. Was God punishing me ? Is God punishing me now and why would he let any of this happen to me ?

I am tired of people's yammered stances that God is so good and there is a reason for everything. I am tired of hearing how it is okay that someone kill a child in abortion, but yet murder is wrong. Life can be so very confusing to me and now I find that I want to question everything and have nothing to hold onto. I feel disbarred from reality and lost in translation. Surely someone SOMEwhere knows how I feel, has dealt with it and knows what it would feel like to just say it is easier to not breathe. Just for a moment, for a day .. for a lifetime.

The thoughts are so encompassing to me that somedays I feel so trapped and imprisioned. I feel completely stagnant and mundane. Screaming doesn't seem adaquate or worth my time .. yet give me a few hours and the feelings change.. my humor finds it's way back to me and I feel like I have to bury myself it fits of laughter to override the very pain I am so confused with. Sigh .. this is not an easy road, surely something made me swerve down the wrong path and veer off ending up where the coordinates don't even get recognized on a map. I usually have no issue going anywhere, driving all over the United States - finding my way here or there. It is one of my favorite things to do .. but for some reason .. I can't seem to find my way out of the canyon that currently is my life.