Stumbling through the Abyss

Settling into any normal lately seems like quite the feat. Something so hard to do. While it is said I am the one who lost my son, I feel like I am the one who is lost.

I dont understand.. I feel alone and stuck in a room full of people. I am screaming and screaming .. but no one hears me.. no one. Not a soul.

It is a scary place for me to be. Everyday is like I have a miriad of different emotions raging and controling my every thought. I am so mad, angry, tired, overwhelmed, depressed, sad, lonely and afraid. I dont know which way to turn or what to think. I am confused and feel such a lack of support or knowledge of who I even am anymore. How could this change me so ? I still am the same person, but yet already I am so different.

With every emotion it triggers a different feeling and wave of what I should do to change. I do not like feelings.. I tend to fight them off and shove them down so I can move on, but this has been such a "In your face' thing I have felt forced to deal with issues going far back as I can remember.

I dont know what purpose this holds, if any .. if it is meant for good, meant for bad or what anything means anymore. I question the meaning and existance of life and everything I felt I stood on is suddenly gone. What was the purpose in this ? I find I want answers and do not see that any good can come out of this. I want to scream and punch and get angry. I beg and get unheard. I feel sometimes if I really said what lurked in my mind people would stand back with a look of horror and amazement. I am sure I cant be the only one to have ever had similar thought or feeling, yet still fell so alone.

Why would God, if he is indeed there, let me feel so alone ? It makes me want to run to find my comfort in other things. I am not familiar with this territory and since I am not one who likes change, I tend to go back to where I am most comfortable. Surely God has to know this ? Don't he ? I lack trust in almost every person I have ever met and it takes alot for me to trust others, so having to deal with the fact that I feel so betrayed lately why would God allow this ? For sure he had to know I would handle it my usual way. How could he let me open my heart only to let me down ?? I dont feel anyone can give adequate answers to me about this. . I have actually met very few who can seem to understand loss anyway. I have heard and read things from the most loving, well meaning people, but it just doesnt seem to fit for me. Thier answers dont fill the void in my heart or make me feel any better.

In brief moments of clarity I felt like a fog was lifted .. but it has settled again and has trapped my heart inside. In the quiet abyss is where it resides.