Getting up ..

When I was little, very much a tomboy, I would go out the door when the sun came up and come in when the sun went down .. usually covered head to toe in dirt or muck. That is the way I liked it. Commonly it was the dirt hills we lived by and rode our bikes on or the fields in which we made our forts in. One time specifically I can remember wiping out on my bike, scraping my forehead, chin, forearms, palms, knees and pretty much anything else that came into contact with the ground. We didn't wear bike helmets when I was a kid.. but being who I was I just got back up and took off. You didn't cry .. you sucked it up and moved on. That is still me today.

Now that I am older however, I can tell you that sometimes the hurt can be alot worse than that of a few bumps or scrapes. A broken heart hurts far worse than those rare times I would fly off the bike, wipeout or fall out of a tree.

I find now this hurt has been the hardest thing for me to get past in all my years and while I have some who understand, the majority don't understand ME. How 'I' am or how I operate and work through life. I am not one to show much emotion and when I get really hurt, what I show is most likely not going to be positive in any form. It is hard for me to face the reality of my own emotion and deal with it. I am used to just getting up and moving on.

I do have positive thought, I keep it to myself alot of the time though. After really hard times (like my last blog) I have times that are good, but have trouble relating to my own self so much so that I don't convey the feelings well, So usually I find that I don't.

I have alot of time now that I question EVERYTHING and want answers. I am ready to just give up on my particular 'way' of life and start anew. Alot of you know my marriage is suffering and while this isn't a new thing, maybe it is just time for a new start. I do not believe some things can be fixed once so much has been endured. Alot of you know I am ready to move , out of the house, out of the state .. whichever or whatever happens is the sign I am waiting for and wherever it takes me I am fine with. I am a partial gypsy by choice I guess.. being stagnant in life depresses me. I like to always be on the go even if I am by myself. I am a roamer and like the newness that going gives to me. I need to get out.

I guess what I am trying to say is that now I am realizing that everyone has thier ways for whatever reason.. things happen and they move on how they see fit. I guess what happened to me isn't that unusual. Losses happen to lots of people, but for whatever reason it happened to me. I am ready to move on and though I know in my heart of hearts I will in NO way EVER allow myself to feel that way again, I will experience new things and feel good in other ways.

Positive thoughts that come to me include, silly notions, that to me are of foriegn substance and I really don't feel comfortable sharing them because most of my life hasn't been lived on a positive realm. Writing or speaking to others I feel could be a way to let go but not one I am at all comfortable with .. I do not see that anything of my experience could do anything good other than changing my life dramatically ... which it is doing, but to be honest, it isn't changing how others feel it should I guess, or so I have been told.

I am not now who I was before or who I will ever be again, My life changed the day I lost my son and this year marks alot of changes and newness that I am trying to find footing in and move on. It was time I guess you could say... maybe this specific path wasn't one I should be on anyway. Who is to say that but me. I really don't know. Maybe I was forcing my life to be something it was never meant to be and in experienceing the loss I will find where it is I am supposed to go.

For now this is new .. and will be until I get feeling like me again.