Set Adrift ...

One big wonderous world of water is all that it feels like surrounds me some days. I am alone reaching my hand up, torn and tattered clothing. Hoping, seeking, praying someone will help. Do you see me ? Can you hear me ? I call out to those I think might, but no one is near. "What do I do now" ? I think to myself as every wave that comes feels stronger and stronger upon my face. I think it is only the fish who hear me now, as I am all alone with no one to hear my cries.

This floundering, (as I call it) seems to be an every day occurance for me lately. I struggle to find the right answers yet don't hear them if they come. I know they are there. I can feel them like raindrops on my soul. Maybe it is my sweet Sawyer calling my name, maybe it is my mind playing tricks on me or maybe it is even just what I want to hear. In all reality, I just don't know.

There are times that come that I'll calmly walk across the room and acknowledge the presence of family, but yet I don't even feel like I am there. Not really anyway. I am in a trance and the days go by without fail. I know someday normal life will return to me. That this 'loss' of my son will maybe have some profound meaning and I will see with clarity everyday that my life would be entirely different without it. However, if you have ever felt this pain, (and I sincerly hope no one does) perhaps you know what it is I speak of. It is a roller coaster to say the least. Up and down, up and down and I'm left feeling others are beginning to think I'm mentally ill. My emotions change with just the mere mention of a word or glance across the room. It is very intimidating to my spirit actually. I don't even have a general way to explain the emotions. The basis of them being though that they are there, they are real and I can't just seem to be able to push them aside and ignore them as I dutily have with so many of my other problems. It isn't as easy this time.

I know people say they understand.. but I don't feel they do. They tell me to let go, stop my wallowing or are really there for me and understand. Some have said comforting words like he is in Jesus' arms and that I will see him again some day. Yet all along, and if I were to tell you the truth.. I just wish he could be here, with me. Is that me being selfish ? I don't really know. I wanted to be able to hold him, see his first smile, watch him grow, learn, play and sing him songs as I have with my other children. I can't feel him, rock him to sleep, learn to play, or soothe his cries. I don't even get to change the poopy diapers and I am angry that I can't.

Only God should be the giver and taker of life. I know all the words coming at me are trying to tell me this, I speak it and profess it as diligently as I know how, yet I look and see the picture I have of my sweet boy. Knowing that 2 days after Christmas he should be here, knowing that after this AWFUL year we've had, HE would have been the one gift to hold onto to make things alright. But he is gone. I feel as if I was robbed, like someone took that choice from me, which I know is probably not the best way to feel. All I have left now is a picture to rock in my arms and the thought of him in my head. I cry out, "Lord don't you hear me" ? "Why do I have to feel this pain" ? WHY after everything else this year, this, too ??

So alone I am again. Set adrift.