Through the Fog ..

I have been to San Fransisco once in 2003. The day had been bright and clear and my only hope would be that I could see the Golden Gate Bridge. By the time we got there, admist all the traffic, the fog had rolled in and encompassed the whole area like a giant beast. All I ended up managing to see that day was my own hand in front of my face. Unfortunately we had a time schedule to maintain and couldn't stay and since that time I have yet to return.

There are times in my life now that it feels like that is what has taken over .. like some giant beast has floated in and I can't see. If you have ever been to San Fransisco you know how thick and engulfing it seems to be.

I have my headlights on, or so it seems .. but yet navagating through the thickness is hard. I want to be able to say I know there is good in all things, but seriously I am yet to see it. I see others going through similar times and they seem to manage things better than I am able to at the moment. I know this is something hard and I am not supposed to just forget it, but yet at times I do wish that is exactly what I could do.

People have been so encouraging to me and I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, there might be a reason for all of this yet and people say everything happens for a reason. I do in fact want to see good come out of this .. but it is hard to focus on. Somedays I just feel like screaming or crying and other days are ok .. just anything to make it through,Minute by minute, or Hour by hour, anything that I can do to make the pain subside and feel less intense than it does is okay to me. I tend to want to lean towards those that really know how I feel and can build me up instead of tear me down, but I guess that is all a part of the process. Altogether an uneasy one.

No one should have to feel this pain. The pain of loss, the pain of your thoughts of uncertainty, of guilt, frustration and confusion. Not knowing if every thought you have ever possessed in life is a perpetuated lie or if there is a new path to follow. Who knows really? We all have our own roads to take to the finish line and no one can take anothers. I hope to someday give solace to someone like me, somewhere who has had to feel as I have felt or has known the loneliness I know. How wanting to feel a small kick again or just a hiccup from your little pal within would make it all go away, would make your heart instantly heal and make life right again. I suppose though for whatever reason, my angel is in heaven and one day I will know once those feelings once again and be able to look back and see what isn't so seemingly clear at this moment in time.

Through the fog I reach out my hand. I reach and long to touch the soul we created and know you are okay. I will get there my baby. I will see you again and I cannot wait till that glorious day when I hold you in my arms as I was meant to do.