Black Hole ....

Dark Place today. Need to vent. Gotta get thoughts out of my head. ...

Not doing so well today, I wish that I didn't have to get out of bed. I feel right now like I have to fight just to deal with my day and all I wanna do is cry .... seriously, and I am not a crier.

I feel that literally no one understands - this crap is horrible. Hard. - Sure --- I should be happy right now, I do have alot to be thankful for don't I ?! ... but the hormones that are reaking my body are leaving me miserable. I have dealt with this post partum stuff after having Cameron, but this time it seems darker .... and last time I had to have meds to get out of the funk I was in.

Let me describe how I feel today .... my family wants to put up the stupid tree that has been sitting in the kitchen all week, but still I am NOT wanting too, so perhaps they should do it without me, I dunno. I just want to cry and no one gets it .... It is like I cannot get the house clean enough, good enough .... I clean something and then have to clean it again - or I will clean it and then someone will come behind me and destroy it. Cameron has found that pulling literally everything out of my kitchen cabinets is a funny thing ..... I don't have time to put things away, I don't have time to sleep, I don't have time to eat .... I can't find time to do anything - much less think. I feel like I am going insane ..... surely my family deserves better. Someone - anyone - can cook better, clean better - do everything better. I just don't want to be here. They don't need me, I am just a maid, just a slave to thier needs. No one cares.

It would be a little easier if I had some help around here .... but like I said - no one understands WHY I am being the way I am right now. I don't know if I, myself understand. Whyyyyyy is the only thing I want to do is to cry ???? Why is this place seeming so lonely ?

I have so many things running through my head .... I wanna scream, I wanna cry ...... I REALLLLLY just superly - duperly just want to go away. If I had the money right now I serioulsly would like to go to the Bahamas or something. I could really use some time to just be me .... I would be in the water almost 24/7 .... I would swim and just chill out - no one would call "MOM" every second or expect me to have this or that done or crying that only "mom" can seem to calm. Some serious scuba diving or snorkeling would be soooooooooooooooooo awesome right about now, my god would I love that !!!!

Ahhh, but what do you know .... I look out my window and see three feet of snow ..... the sky is bleak shades of grey and it is colder than cold with the wind howling right through the house like a blizzard is on it's way. Christmas is coming and I can not litterally afford anything to put under the tree - NOTHING ! I HATE, HATE, HATE winter, I hate Wisconsin - I hate being here, I feel like I am trapped in hell and can't get out.

I want to be a jolly holiday person, I want to be happier, but I can't.

Tommorrow I have a scheduled doctors appointment for Gracie, but I am going to tell my doctor how I have been feeling once again and hope that he'll give me some way to lift this curtain of doom up over my head. I really don't like to take things to help, but I can't take this no more and need some way to get away from it. The low's of pregnancy suck - especially after having months where I feel on top of the world and get so much done .... maybe that is why I like being pregnant, I don't know. I just need away.

I dunno, I just don't know ... I am going to go curl up on the sofa now and lie there. Cry some more, I guess. Tommorrow is another day - yeaaaa .... tommorrow is another day. :O( Just keep telling yourself that ............