The Equity of Acceptance

Over the last few years, my life has changed from one way of being to something totally different than I once was. In that time, I have changed friends, the way I dress, the way I speak, carry myself and most of all, my outlook on life.

Looking back of course, this was not done without alot of pain going on to get me to that point. Last year at this time I would certainly not have told you I would give you my outlook today that I now have. Last year at this time I would have told you you done fried your socks talking to me that way. Odd thing is though, is that time was the only thing that could have gotten me to this point, and is also something money cannot buy.

I am not a patient person by nature. I do not like to procrastinate and I want things done before the thought ever enters my mind. Yes... a fact I still marvel over. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am right now in life and be accepting of the fact without having to look ahead and be impatient for wanting to know what else lyeth ahead for me.

Since asking for Christ to come back into my life, I find that I more over not only CRAVE to find out more and more knowledge of his word, I also crave to be around others that do as well. Never in my life have I ever been a clingy type of person, mind you. I have always been pretty good at managing alone, and handling any or all tasks at hand by myself. This time however, does seem to be different. I don't really like to think of it that I need someone to answer to or look to for acceptance, but just that I want the advice of others to give me an idea of what a better standard is for me to live up to.

For some, I have heard that I can in fact be overbearing in looking for someone to try to glean from and in any case, if In fact I have done so and someone notices, I do appologize. My intentions are just that I wish to have friends that I can see a brighter future for myself in. I know how easily I can get distracted by others thoughts sometimes, I knowingly have to put a stop to something I let into my world, because they can easily become my heart. This is a wise choice so I have heard from others and lately I have found this is what works best for me.

Over the last few years, along with patience, faith has also been a key thing for me to try to learn. I am not good about having to trust anyone with anything at any time for any reason. I know that comes from my past and things I have been through or experienced, but through this time of trial and looking up to the right people for examples being set, I have found more over that God has worked all things for my good, as the Bible states he would and my faith has grown to double of what it used to be. Now one of my most favorite things to think on is the scripture about a mustard seed and mountains. I have exseedingly found this to be true and have yet to find out that my story is over.

I feel anziety sometimes for the unknown, as I am sure others do, but I see God working in ways I never have before in my life though and am grateful for such experiences and people he has put into my life to help to change me. I know he knows what is better for me than I, myself do and in time will lead me to exactly where I need to be. The exact definaition for faith is "Belief of things unseen" .. and to me that doesnt' include such things as Santa Claus or an Easter Bunny, but far greater things that cannot be explained just by one or two peoples stories on such. For me it is knowing that the Lord created this beautiful world for us to live in and give life to humans before we were ever born. Faith to me has become so much of a relaxing thing for me to believe and trust in that I find I wish I had more of it as time goes on.

I see a deep connection everyday to all of these things in which I have been learning. Faith, Patience, Love, learning, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, compassion and perseverance. Things in which I never had before or knew much of. Things I was not taught growing up and had little knowledge of prior to that of giving my life back to the Lord. He has been good to me in times I once thought he hadn't. I am thankful now for things I once used to be bitter over and have forgiven things and people I have never thought possible.

I wish it was as easy for me to say to anyone, "Here ya go".. you can have this too. It does not work that way however, because it only comes with time, trials and belief.
All of these things are also things you cannot buy with money and no one can give them to you, it has to be done by itself and unless you are ready to accept the equity of what you are being given .. you will never recieve it.

It can be hard, so very hard. Dark, lonely and scary are good ways I found the times I had and the best way that I can describe them, however, without those times, I would not have been able to find my place or be who I am now. I still willingly admit, I am not all that special, but I am what the Lord is and has made me and for that, I am slightly proud of who he sees me to be and who he knows I can become. I am far from a work of art and I have a long way to go. I do not like to sound boastful or prideful in anyway because the road it took me to get here was long and very arduous at times. I wish people none of what I have had to go through, but in all honesty, without having walked my path, I could not be who God has called me to be. For this I own my story and the equity of acceptance is mine.

Thank you Lord for all your grace and mercy that you have given to me and though I have never felt I have deserved it, you bestow opon me, great blessings anyway. I give my life to you, Lord and wish that you will see fit for me to bless someone else someday the way that you have blessed me. Withouth having to have gone through things in my life, I would never been able to accept the gifts that you have given to me.

In Christ's Love, Tammie

(* Finally learning that what you have been given (the equity) or gone through can in fact be a gift, IS the acceptance.)