Just Who I Am ...

For me to hide when I hurt is nothing new. For me, it is something I have always done, and something I will always do.

I don't like to display or show feelings .. I don't like to talk about things when I get upset, It is often easy for me to just fall back into a place where I have always gone and back away from reality for awhile when I feel the world closing in on me.

That isn't to say there wasn't a time I tried to go about it in other ways, but it just never fit for me to do anything else but to keep my thoughts to myself and go to a place that would be comforting me to deal with things alone. So that is something I am used to doing. Through the years there is alot in my head that I tend to muster over and go to my personal place and dig into the sand for awhile.

I never had anyone growing up to talk to and when I tried, they didn't care or would leave. My personal spot to me is a place I can count on for my anger, frustrations or hurt to drift away, just like I was sitting all alone on Cinnamon Bay in the Island of St. John. Alone, in my own place with the waves washing over my feet ... with the sound of seagulls in the distance and waves crashing upon the shore. A place of peace and serenity.

The things I like to call my "demons" are sometimes constant visitors to my mind. Always with me, They like to tell me things I am used to hearing and are easy to be lulled into. Old habits die hard, so I am told. I have a deep mind, deep soul and love to write out my feelings. I just don't often like to discuss them with others, so more often than not, I write for myself.

Every time I feel a scratch, it is or can be like the re-opening of the old scars of all old times of terror I used to live. They all come rushing back and are as vivid as the moment they happened. Alot of times no one but me and my mind can understand, and that is why when I'm feeling in a place of going round and round, I retreat and like to just go be alone. Think. Relax and pretend there is only me in the universe.

Deep hurt few understand has always been the basis. There are few I explain my history too in detail and feel I can be honest with things about 100%, so few really do not undertstand the things that go through the mind as someone such as myself from time to time. It can be a lonely and secluded place, but the one thing that helps me to be there after 38 years, is always to go back to the same place of comfort I once found, the only place that was provided for me for many years, and that was within myself.

For in my mind, I can be free. That is Just Who I am.

Tammie