Just BE ...

   Sometimes we just have to learn to be still. I am not one that knows patience very well, I like things done yesterday and can't stand procrastination. Do it right or not at all. Just always how that certain thing in me has been. So, in all honesty this is something new I am having to learn as I go.

   This last year has been alot of trial and error to find a new normal for myself in amoungst the chaos that was many months long. It took alot of praying and taking days, singularly, one at a time to get me though what now I see as the necessary roughness that ensued.

   It is hard to learn to just be happy where you are, be content with what you have and JUST BE when you are raised completely opposite. The negative battle is still a daily battle at times, however now that I have purposely been trying to make being positive a habit it has completely dulled and seems to me to not so persistent in my thinking patterns.

   For me it was especially hard for me to trust God ... that I could give him all my fears and anziety, all my thoughts, prayers and worry. I had never had someone in my life I could do that with and it hit me last weekend while I met my mentor Michelle, that I completely saw God as being the same as people have always been to me. I feared the rejection, and yes, even from God himself. If so many people would, as they always had, reject me, wouldn't the Lord be quick to do the same !? I found out completely different in speaking with Michelle for that short time that I didn't have to fear that. We did not even speak on the subject, however, in just the prayer and knowing I gave it to God and was able to speak to her like I had, that he was in fact there. He could and would handle it all for me and whatever happened was in his will.
 
   Thoughout my life it has always just been easiest to do everything myself. From the time I was very little until just recently, I felt comfort in knowing I had no one other than me I could really count on. I never once had the thought cross my mind that isn't how it should be, nor how God wants it to be for us. He is there now, just as he was years ago, I just had to open my eyes to see him.  I knew if he could truly guide me and my words within speaking to someone I looked up to so very much, that he would never fail with any other desire I had within my heart. Funny how such a little thing spoke to me in such a HUGE manner.

  It has taken me months and even years to learn something as small as this.  It has changed my persepective on thinking the way I do, and therefore how I see my life, as it is now. God has saw to it that the things in character I lacked, I have been learning and gaining so I can be more of who HE sees me to be. For without him I am nothing.

  Don't get me wrong, the times of trial were hard... and enduring through them some days was a battle much unto itself.  Sometimes it felt like it was one thing after another, consistently a struggle throughout the years, but through it all I did learn. While it can be said; that I do not feel wise, I can now say that I persevered through those trials to come out on the other side and am no longer the person I was then, that I am now. I believe it was all in God's plan. In fact now I fully trust that it was. I do not understand the reasons, for his ways are not our own, maybe his plan still hasn't been fulfilled within me and he sees more in me; than I can for myself.  Something I have never been able to just let BE.

  For me, the words "surrender", "submit" or "trust" are things that seem as much a foreign language to me that speaking in Spanish can be done in a much better manner.  Regardless of the fact, that while I can; I am in no way fluent in doing so. Now you know how hard for me just the letting go and giving it to God was. I think many feel this way today. It is so hard to have FAITH in the things we do not see. Many are taught this from the time we are very little and it is so engrained into our lives that it is common place anymore with most anyone.

  This year has certainly been a changed year for me to say the least. There has never been a time since I was before school aged that I have felt content with just being where I am and with what I have. Yes, we have plans and pray for the Lord to work his will in our lives. We pray to move down south, for a nice, new white van and maybe more blessings to fill the van if he sees fit. We pray for my health and a better quality of care for me than what we have found here. However, suddenly being at peace with it all, I somehow have a slight feeling before the words were even spoken, he had every detail worked out for us as he meant it to be.

To get here has been rough, no lie, no frosting on the cake, no fakeness to substitute for the pain. My story is mine; and my own the way God meant it to be. He created ME for a reason and for once I am happy that I can now rest in the glory being his and not my own.

Thank you Lord for never giving up on me. That is my Thanksgiving thanks for all the years I have lacked in your purpose and through me, I pray you will bless someone other than myself.

~ Tammie ~

"Be Still and Know that I am God" ~ Psalm 46:10