Being Honest with myself

It has been awhile since I blogged. I don't often anymore because it means I might have to confront feelings I don't wish to come face to face with, but alone, sitting here .. not thinking anyone but myself may read this .. it is time.

Last week I attended a conference that Michelle Duggar attended. Most know I admire her greatly. I had hoped for months that maybe I would get some one on one time with her, I had SO much I wanted to say, but honestly when I had a chance .. I didn't say a word. Now a week later I still mull over her speakings and know they were of great point and will be of good use to me, but I would like to kick myself for not saying anything when I had so much I wanted to say.

A full 30 days before the conference I had it impressed on my heart to write her a letter. I have never written a letter to anyone (in the public eye) and fought with myself everyday to just write it and hand it to her when I seen her. I did that and still don't have a clue why. Maybe thinking back it wasn't for my own use to help me afterall, but perhaps for her. I guess in the letter I said everything I wanted to except even then I couldn't address the loss of my son, Sawyer. I met her, I muttered his name, tried not to cry, handed her and Jim Bob my copy of thier book, they signed it and I walked away. In my brief encounter I could barely get a mutual friends name out or the mention of my son. The very thing I wanted to speak of. So why did I falter ? Why did I not say what I had waited all that time to say and prolly may never get the chance to again ? I knew hearing the words from her would help me .. but yet I just couldn't speak.

That night at dinner, I got the chance to sit with a friend, also a speaker at the conference right across from Michelle, Jim Bob and Joyanna. She was eating Asparagus and there I sat not being able to say a word. I couldn't seem to tell her I liked her necklace or how much she had blessed me. How I felt so connected to her because we have lots in common and how I hope she could help me understand something I just can't seem to wrap my mind around. Yet. I sat worldless. A while later they left. and me not saying a word was most likely the stupidest thing I have ever done.

I don't know why even after 6 months this Sawyer thing hurts me so very much. Why would God impress up my heart to trust in him this area of our life to just end up taking that way and leaving me feel like the trust had gone ? I have wanted to say just how very hurt and betrayed I have felt. Throughout my past, trusting anyone is so very hard for me. To make it simple .. I don't. Unless someone gives me a blatent reason to trust them, it is just not something I will do. I am open, honest and sincere alot of times, but always feel on guard in any circumstance. Appearantly this was the case ? Or perhaps I was so nervous I would open my mouth and all that would come out would be something like Charlie Brown's mother had taken over and possessed me with.

Either case, I am still here with so many questions about Sawyer and God .. about marriage and life and no matter who says what, it doesn't seem to speak much to me. In most social settings it is a given usually that my body shuts down and I put up a barrier, a wall or get my mits out to fight. I am pretty insecure about my social self and can't behave as I do online (which I do infer as the real me) however in life, I clam up and seal the door shut. A fact I don't think most understand about me. Something I guess you would have to know my whole story about to understand why I am the way I am.

Now as I write this, TODAY it has now been 6 months since I lost Sawyer and the pain is just as fresh as it was the day of September the 24th. I will forever blame myself for his loss and I don't think many words will help me feel differently about it, but it is something I have to come to terms with and let go. I said things and thought things - doubted and conjured up reasons in my head. The very things I was supposed to be so against had snuck into my brain and taken hold. Now Sawyer isn't here and will never be and I can't take those thoughts back.

So I am as much a puzzle to God himself to work and figure out, as to most people. Given a chance and I fall flat on my face. Well, being my tomboy self, you get up - dig the rocks out of your shins and move on. There are no tears and you let it go. I still feel scattered, but maybe this is how God meant it to be .. for whatever reason. I guess I am just grateful and blessed by the experience so many others would loved to have had.

One of the things Michelle said that stuck in my mind at the conference was, "We do not grieve as those with no hope grieve". For this, I do not understand. I have hope, just not in this situation of hurt as it applies to me. I stick greatly to someones words whom I admire. Even though I have been laughed at for liking the Duggars and looking up to them. I have been called obsessed or out of my mind, I still have great admiration for such loving people.

However you look at it though, I am me. Someone else is not who I was meant to be. I follow my heart, I follow where I think it is leading me. I leave it all hanging out and usually don't mind sharing. The journey of Sawyers loss isn't too much different than that of any other mother I would guess loosing thier child but for some reason, all this time, with all that has happened .. it is just harder for me to get up.

Blessings, Tammie <3