I WAS ...

Hello, it has been awhile since I last blogged, and for that I appologize. Life has been full of changes since I last blogged. Considering, since that time, I have made a few new friends here and there, and have yet to import all my older content, I have just decided to start from a beginning standing point, that way everyone can get to know me through blogging, equally. ~ I like to think often into the past and think about times I had growing up, there were alot of fun times, playing with friends, riding bikes and playing with my favorite childhood toy; Hot Wheel cars. Childhood was great time of wonder and exploration of new and fun adventures, but as I got older the times got a little rougher along the edges and hard to handle. ~ ~ Thinking back now upon those times, I often refer to myself in the "I WAS" sense. "I WAS the tomboy" or "I WAS the nerd". "I WAS the person who got picked on and bullied". Yes, in my little hometown, that WAS me. Years ago, I thought frequently with so many comments coming from all directions about how everything I did was wrong, how imperfect I seemed, or how ugly I was, that it seemed the things being said to me HAD to be true, because so many people had said them. I spent quite a lot of time believing the things people said to me, and forgot who "I" really was. I forgot dreams or hopes I had, I forgot what I wanted out of life and I even forgot that life could be enjoyable. ~ ~ For what turned into years, I literally believed because of the words spoken over me having to be true, I had no worth, I hated life, I hated others, I hated myself. Middle school knew me then as the girl who had a bottle of Nair poured on her head, got beat up every day, had 2 teachers tell me to kill myself and countless others who picked and tormented me to such a degree, I would go home nightly and cry many night till I fell asleep. No one could take the pain away or the fact that I felt so immensely lonely. ~ ~ But you see, God had a plan, even in the midst of all of that, in the darkness of the storm, the several times I begged him to help me and I considered taking my own life. He was there. I was raised Christian, but my mom took ill quite early on and life drifted in so many directions. As I got older it was hard to stay connected to anything and no one in my realm, I felt, cared. I certainly didn't want to be a bother or nuesance to others, so I just hid myself away as much as I could ... and even though now that I am 37, I still catch myself stuck in that same rut. It has in fact become habit. The thoughts are STILL in my head, everyday they will be with me. Till the day I die, I will hear the words spoken over my life. Having a vivid memory, I just have to close by eyes to be in that exact place I was so many years ago. I can see the faces of those who spoke such awful words and remember thier names. I see the teachers who did nothing but stare and scoff at me as I lie there after being punched. I see the counselors and hear thier questions about 'what was wrong with ME' !? All along, while "I" asked 'what was wrong with THEM' ? ~ ~ I find it exceedingly hard to have hate for anyone, and most nights after coming home, being told to go to my room, I went there and prayed for those who made me feel like I shouldn't be here to begin with. I didn't then and do not even now understand what drives someone to such dislike someone so much, that they must mistreat them with such hatred. I know people of all kinds disagree and do things differently, but isn't it just that - that should be what makes US, the WHO we are ?! We are different for a reason and WHO we are for a reason. We don't understand Gods ways and trust me, many days after being bullied I questioned his very understanding, or if he understood at all. ~ ~ After all these years however, I have come to find, those same differences that I used to get picked on for, are the same exact things, that make me who I am now.In a way, I give them thanks now and have long ago forgiven them and accepted that was my path. For God spoke life into me as a child, and said I DID have purpose. For while I "WAS" that girl who got picked on and beat up, for while I WAS the person years ago who appeared to be such a mess, I was set free. That person I WAS, is no longer ME. The experiences I learned, and obstacles I climbed, could have been done no other way .. for God knew the path I must take was surely to be my own. I am a child of God and in his mercy and grace he has chosen me to know how it feels to be low, so low that death seems a way out, so low that I understand where the hurt of such words can damage such an eager precious soul and turn them into such a mess. Without my having been there I wouldn't know and now I can share that I AM someone and I do in fact have something to share, maybe just with one person or maybe even more. Either way, he knew all along that this could be used for my good. (Jeremiah 29:11) ~ ~ It is SO very important that the words we speak and those our children speak are words to build others up and not tear them down. "A good name is worth more than gold", so it is said .. and I am sure to God, what someone accomplishes in life, isn't just that of degrees and high credit scores, what you own or don't own and what clothes you wear. ~ ~ For, yes, I WAS the girl who was picked on ... however, I AM NOW the woman God has given me grace to be. For everyday for the rest of my life, I will give thanks, for HE is good. My path may not have been the best to take, and was so hard to follow at times, but through it all, he never left my side. He gave me the strength to get up. Now I am no longer an I WAS, I am .... an I AM ! ~ ~ <3 Blessing to you all, Tammie <3 ~