INSIGNIFICANT

As I looked for the right word to entitle this blog today, I toiled with plenty of thoughts about the right word to use to correctly state how it was that I have been feeling lately. This one seemed to fit well, so I gave it the job of being my title.

An escape from the mundane and tedious repertoire of my every day existance has stirred old desires within my heart. I feel stagnant and moldy .. The day in and day out, same ol' - same ol' just has never seemed to work well for me. I like spontaneity and excitement ... being on the go, and doing something new almost every day. Yes, it can easily be said I get bored quickly, but at least my life when I live it how I feel suited, is without boredom.

Now you would think that with 6 children it would not be easy for boredom to find me, but that in itself is simply an untruth. I require lots of time alone, after all it is what I am most used to and seem to like the most. An afternoon alone in my favorite car, driving any given road is quite the treat. It is amazing the little discoveries you find on some quiet, aloof back road somewhere, maybe not knowing where you are and with every turn you find something new you have not yet seen and are left with wonderful sights to take pictures of. Something about it, brings me solace in being behind the wheel and just having some thoughts to stir over, while I sit alone.

The desire to just "GO" is so overwhelming that at times, I find that I am almost itching to get out the door, yet other times I would rather be at home cuddled up on the couch, watching a good movie or reading a good book. I don't know what it is .... the road is certainly calling my name .... I am ready to go explore again and being at home is leaving me feel, well, insignificant. I have been left feeling that what I do here, just isn't as fun, doesn't matter and can't compare to the feelings I get while I am alone and have time to myself doing my most favorite thing. Surely .. there must be something wrong with me ? Right ? I mean WHAT Mom wants to be away and just have the freedom of gas in the tank and the wind in her hair ? Thus a leading reason for depression I am told, but I am not depressed, just don't like feeling like an animal in a cage ready to gnaw their own paw off to get out ....

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do, or if it is I,and I alone. When I asked a similar question before, after one of the many trips I have taken off on, I usually am met with people on both sides of the fence ... no one is for certain and the line is not clearly drawn. So I guess it is a thought of debate or one that can keep me guessing. Either way I like the feeling of just being with myself sometimes, not having to worry about the simple, temporary, yet insanely and immensely crazy thing that is every day life.