HUG ME ...

Today is one of those days ... one of those days that everything seems to just go wrong and nothing is right. One of those days that I just need a hug. There have been several occasions that on days like this my hubby comes to my rescue - but as of right now - he is at work and so the hug will have to wait.

Now, it could be that I am lacking sleep, it could be that I have been able to get nothing much done around here for over two weeks now and it is driving me nuts, it could be that over the last few days I have been fighting an awful cold that just don't want to relinkwish it's hold on me or it could be that the depression I so feared is back. Yes, no secret - I have suffered from the crappy post partum stuff before and now with everything right in my face - the daily menotinous routine seems overwhelming.

I need to vent.

I have TRIED to be in a jolly ho-ho-ho mood, but it just is NOT working. My hubby begged me to put up the outside decorations with him, and so begrudgingly I did. In the frozen wasteland of Wisconsuck, we went out into the snow to decorate our stupid house. It then dawns on me that where Christmas was originated - Jerusalem - that it IS NOT COLD !!!! Ahem ..... I felt almost mental putting up stupid lights outside freezing my butt off - it is not right I tell you - HAAAAA - Next year I am just doing this crap in the summer !

It started snowing here on Friday morning and has been spitting crap out ever since. We are now buried and I H.A.T.E. it !!!!! As of my typing this it is snowing hard again and so they say it is supposed to gather up to another few inches, and a snow plow just dumped a pile of the junk in my driveway ..... GOOD GRIEF - how many more days till spring ???? I hate, hate, hate this time of year. Can anyone tell ?

Speaking of snow - Friday was our payday so in my effort to try to be jolly, I went to the Family Dollar store to buy the only gift that I have been able to buy thus far, it was a Cabbage Patch Baby for Cameron. They had them on sale for 10 dollars and I picked him out a cute little boy one. He has been carrying one of the girls around the house for the last few days, so I thought how perfect, now he can have his own. Plus with the new baby and all - I know how some people feel about boys with dolls, but I don't care. I think that if he wants to play with it - then let him. The guys (in my opinion) who have played with dolls are better guys anyway ... but, ANYWHOOOOOOO - after I bought the doll, I left the store - went out to my van and ever so stupidly fell on some ice in front of it. My god, I felt like such a DORK !!!!!! Two ladies were there and asked me if I was ok, and even though I wanted to cry, (which I'd never do in front of anyone) Ever so embarrassed -I muttered that I was, then got into my van. I am not lying ---- it hurt. I still don't know what I did, but my right knee is swollen to the size of a ball and is killing me. It feels like needles poking me every time I move. Adam wants me to go to the doc - but the only doc I will see is my own - ya'll know - Dr. Schanhofer (the guy who called me at home to check on me) so if I do go , I will have to make an appointment. I don't like going -so usually I avoid it .... I am sure it will go away though - I am not no sissy - I can take it - this girl don't cry.

THEN ........... Saturday comes. My kitty, our kitty - Mr. Smokey Bones (If you've read my past blogs he's our cat) ran out the door and he has not come back. Today is Tuesday. I am so worried about him. He was declawed and can't defend himself, it also hadn't snowed much at that point - but now it has. He don't like it and I fear he is frozen or got hurt. We have all looked and called out for him, usually when he runs outside he isn't gone long - he gets scared and runs back. We've looked in the barns, the porch, the neighbors, under and in things and no Smokey .......... oh, I will miss him so MUCH if he don't come back. I hope that he's ok. I will never own another animal again - if something has happened, I am so tired of this happening. ~ Even my hubby made the comment that last year it was like "Wild Kingdom" here - we had 1 dog, 3 cats, 42 fish, 1 gecko, 3 hampsters, 2 birds, and several hermit crabs. Now, if Smokey Bones is gone - we have ONE FISH !!!! ONE fish, people - wth ??? We gave the dog back to the humane society - it wouldn't listen to anything - it was stupid , our other 2 cats ran off in the summer, and everything else died !!!! So see - no more animals ! Oh Smokey - please come home !

On another note, I couldn't take not getting sleep anymore so I switched Gracie from breastfeeding to formula. I hated to do it - but she will only stay asleep with the formula. I know they say that it doesn't fill her - it is just different .... but I dunno - could have fooled me, because she sleeps better. The only thing I don't like is that she seems to be getting constipated from it - but hopefully that will subside soon. I will go buy a different brand to try tonight to see if that helps any. I really wish I could last with breastfeeding, but truth is, I never have - never more than a month. Just don't suit me - I guess. It feels uncomfortable to me ... but I do try - plus the waking up every hour - I just couldn't do it anymore.

My hubby went to the storage locker and pulled out all our Christmas belongings. Right now they are sitting in the middle of our kitchen, and for right now it is where they are going to stay. He tried to get me moving on getting it out last night, but like I said before, I am just not in the mood. I pulled out a big box though and have decided to give a boat load of it to Goodwill - I am just tired of dealing with it. I mean, It sits in a box for a year ...... so is it all really so important to keep SO MUCH of it ??? Do we really NEED 40 of every Christmas stuffed animal imaginable ? Right now I have about 9 Rubbermaid Storage boxes - and I would like to get it down to atleast 5. Yea........... just NOT in the mood at all this year.

Speaking of kids - yeeeeeeeeaaaa - they brought my hubby and I these elaborate Christmas lists last night, printed out on the old computer they have - complete with pictures and everything. Funny really - but then again NOT. They don't know the full extent of what is going on here, they shouldn't have to worry about it - it is our deal - plus, I know especially with Hannah - she wouldn't understand - with her being special needs she still believes alot in Santa - so how can I explain he's not going to come this year ???? Uh, yea - ain't figured that out yet. Oh, maybe if I am lucky we can go to the dollar store and squeeze in one or two things and a piece of candy too. I have some fabric to make my son some Jeff Gordon stuff and even though, he'd like them, I have no time - and I am sure he'd be less than thrilled that is all he got. Plus how can I give one kid something and not another ..... just way better if Christmas would go away. FAR AWAY !

On yet another sad note, My Uncle Gordy passed away over the weekend, it was sudden and not expected. He had been sick ,but no one thought that death was so soon. I respected him immensely (long story) and will miss him alot. Most of you know my family is not close, but he was one I was closer too - even though it still wasn't too close. We did not have the money to go home for the funeral tommorrow. He will be buried next to my Grandma.

I wanted to say ThaNK YOU for all the advice you nice friends gave me on Cameron ...... I have tried it and it does seem to be working - he is behaving alot better now, helping out and loving it and it has made things alot easier here .... so THANK YOU all very much !!!!! :O)

Well, Gracie woke up yet again - the child just does not sleep !!!!!!!!!!!!! Everytime I get up to do anything and set her into her bassinet - she wakes up. It has made it immensely hard to do anything and I am so tired of just sitting here and listening to Dora the Explorer ! I have tons of laundry to do and it is piling up by the second ..... my house is such a mess and I can't live with the pigs in here anymore !!!! I SWEAR - my house was PERFECTLY clean - top to bottom - in and out - 3 weeks ago, that is not long ....... but now it is a wreck ! Thanksgiving sucked and it has been a wreck since, I hate it ! I hate not having the house clean - it makes me feel as if I am not doing my job around here ...............

Oh, I am such a freak ...... I NEED a hug !

OK - Well, gotta run, I will write more sometime - ha ha - when I have the time. ha ha ha ha ha ha ! TIME : WHAT A NOVEL CONCEPT ?! HAHAHAHAHA !

TAMMIE