FOR HOPE .....

HOW do you explain what you don't understand ? .... I will be 33 this year, and there are still things in life that I will never understand, never quite "get" and don't know if it is so easy to explain. So for me to try to sum it all up for my 13 year old yesterday wasn't so easy.

Let me share with you how the day went.

I got up early to take the van from A, the kids all decided to go with and I would ride them to school instead of them taking the bus. So we all get in the van - drop A off at work then head off to the kids schools. Hannah got dropped off first, then we go to drop off Jordan. No one was late and this is good. Brittany is last, but as we get up to her school she looks at me and says " Mom .... can I stay with you for a while today "? Now, this is TOTALLY unlike her - she usually begs to go to school, so I ask her what is wrong - she says "Well, I don't know ... it isn't that I don't feel good Mom, but something just isn't right". So after talking to her for a bit of time - I decided that she'd not miss the whole day - I told her she had school pictures and I knew she'd gotten all dressed up for them and didn't want to miss them, She agreed. She also stated that she had a test and didn't want her grade to drop if she did miss it - however, it wasn't till later in the day. It was then that I decided that I would take her to breakfast and then back to school. What would it REALLY hurt for her and I to go to McDonald's to eat for a bit of time ? So we did - we shared a Egg McMuffin meal and Cameron had a breakfast Happy meal. It was a good time and we had a good morning. I took her to school immeadiatly after - to which I heard "Thank You Mom" .... and recieved a big hug. :O) She got out and went into the school - saying that how she felt - did seem a little better.

Now, yesterday I was supposed to run about (what seemed like) 15000 errands and get all my running done for the week. Well, as usual not alot happened. I just started feeling really icky and came back home with Cameron - I took a small nap while he had picked out "Ice Age" to watch. Around noon-ish I got back up and ran to do some of the errands that were to be done. I got the major bills paid and ran to the propane place that we had talked to last week. Well, wouldn't you know it . the lady there says she has NO IDEA what I am talking about and unless our credit is good - they cannot help us. So does this mean another winter without heat ? - I still have no idea. I am supposed to go back tommorrow to talk to some other guy, but if that don't work, I am for sure moving to the Florida Keys over the winter. I did the no heat thing last winter and will not do it again this year ! I hate credit and think it is discrimination to judge others over it when thiers isn't good. I mean, how do you hold out on heat for a family of 7 because we had our identity stolen ? I'm sorry, just something wrong with this world today.

Anyway (sorry).... back to the main story here ! After all that, Cameron and I went to eat lunch - then pick up the kids from school. I told Hannah once again to take the bus to the middle school and get off there so that I would only have to make one trip - instead of two. The high school is also one block away from the middle school so Jordan just walks right over from there as well. Hannah shows up first, then Jordan. We are all waiting for Brittany. Brittany walks up - takes the front seat position with an very odd look about her. So I ask her ..." What is wrong. Miss Britt" .... she looks at me - with this very peekish stare and says "HOPE" ...... well, I don't know what I was thinking, but I said .." Oh, Britt not this weekend, it is not a good " .... " NO MOM" she says - while a tear started to stream down her face - .... "HOPE" ....... (long pause) "was found .... dead, Mom." I gasp.

One of her bestest friends. Hope. "Hopie" as she called her, was found dead over the weekend with her grandparents and sister in Madison at thier horse show/competition. From what I understand, they had a camper in which they stayed in that filled with carbon monoxide and none of them woke up.

HOW DO YOU even TRY to explain this to a 13 year old ????? How do you try to get a 13 year old to understand what it is, you - yourself, do NOT understand ???? HOW do you answer questions like "why", "How Come" or "because of what" ? How do you try to reason with things, like "she can't grow up and get married now", "she can't have children", "graduate high school" or "hang out with friends"? ..... all of this we spent last evening discussing.

I myself, did NOT know this girl (other than through Brittany) or her family. All I know now is that her mother is left alone and the pain that she must feel must be unbearable. I sat last night thinking to myself in the shower - while the water hit my face - of the horriffic -ly bad and reoccuring dreams that I,myself keep having. The dreams where the police officer comes to MY door to tell my that MY family won't be coming home. These same dreams that I have been having for months now. MY utmost FEAR. ....... I cried. ..... and I don't normally do that. I felt horrified at what this mother must feel and the pain that he has to think about everyday for the rest of her life. I felt ashamed that I was thinking of this in a "me" state and not in a "her" state, I just felt awful. I did not know this girl , so WHY was it bothering me so. ? I prayed. I know it won't help her, by no means. I know if it were ever me, nothing would EVER or could EVER take that pain away. I feel so bad. This morning, Brittany and I talked for a long time about this before she left for school today. I offered for her to stay home, but she wanted to go - to be with her friends. I understood this, but wanted her to know that I was here if she needed me.

It was raining all day yesterday ... a cold rain. On the way home from picking up Adam at work - the kids and I were discussing the rain. Hannah says " it sure is raining an awful lot today" ..... then Brittany adds in a mellow tone .... "Tears for Hope - Mom - Tears for Hope" ..........

Oh my, ..... I don't even want to imagine that kind of loss, it saddens my heart so.

TAMMIE

* A local news article : Four people found dead inside their horse trailer in Madison were from Tomah.

The Dane County coroner says carbon monoxide poisoning likely killed 68 year old Devere ****, his 57 year old wife - Barbara; and their two granddaughters; 13 year old Hope ****** and 10 year old, sister Erin.

The four were sleeping in a horse trailer near the World Clydesdale Show in Madison.

Officials say the family was camping overnight outside the Alliant Energy Center and were using a space heater to warm their trailer.

The family runs a well-known Clydesdale horse breeding operation called Clay's Clydesdales. The Clays have been raising Clydesdale draft horses since 1972.

According to the family's web site, the family traveled to horse shows across Wisconsin, Illinois, Iowa and Minnesota.

Organizers say the show this weekend, will go on.

In a statement released this afternoon, they described the victims as "proud exhibitors of our breed, and honored members of the Clydesdale breeder family."