Deprogramming

  Growing up, more so in later years, I often felt as if I had no one. Not family, not friends, and not God. No one certainly understood me or the thoughts I would think. Looking back I knew I had some, but I am one who closes off and in turn, I turned others away, while what I really wanted was to draw them closer.

 The funny thing is now that I am older, I still have the habits ingrained in me that once were there years ago. My goal has been to try to change those old habits and thus myself. I knew it was something that would take a lot of time. I went from one way of being and living life, to a totally new one. I have been told that my character lacks in places, yet, get told I am strong in character because I wanted to change how I was. It really is harder to deprogram ourselves; than it is to deprogram a computer.

  It took years for me to learn ways of thought, ways of accepting or looking at things. Everything we do is a part of so much that we do, that often we do not even realize when it is we are doing things, saying things or acting in certain ways we always have. I didn't like what I saw one day, and then it was I knew I wanted it to change.

  That was a few years ago and every day, some days are a fight. I do constantly hear the "I cant's" or "I shouldn't" do things. If I had been let to grow and be myself, I would be a lot different than I am now. I don't necessarily know if that is a good thing or not, but whatever the case, I am not there now. I am here. The road I had to take was my own. It wasn't pleasant or anywhere near perfect. A lot of people see the outside and not the inside. They see what you type, but not your heart. They don't know where you have been, they don't have your soul, so therefore it is impossible to have walked in your shoes.

  It is so easy for us to say what we would do in an others instance. " I would have done this", or " done that, instead" ... when all the while we really cannot truly say what we would have done, because it was not us who lived it. I don't think we should ever try to assimilate what someone elses' journey was like or the outcome that would have been different, had it been us.

  It is hard for me to accept positivity when I was raised in such a negative environment. Growing up I had times of daily depression because of surroundings or just having to go to school. Being beat up near every day had begun a regime in me that only proliferated what I was being dealt. The things I had been told for YEARS started to stick and the ugly truth was, that since that time it is very hard for me to believe otherwise than those words often spoken to me during those times.

  I now know that often what negative people spew at us, is in fact something that is within them that is lacking, but there are those few sentimental souls it really can effect. I was one. From EVERY direction nothing but negativity seemed to be thrown and me and it appeared as though I was programmed to handle only as such. As the years went on, I went out on my own I realized that I didn't like the way I saw myself. I was very negative toward others and especially my own self. I did not see any value in myself, so how could others ? Still to this day at 38 years old, this honestly is something I struggle with. On a daily basis, I have to literally fight with the old way of being, into making myself think a new way. If you think this is an easy task, especially for someone who tends to over think almost anything, you are very wrong.

  When negative situations arise, it is SO easy for me to fall back into the trap of thinking as I always had. It was true to form as yesterday rolled around and we found out our refrigerator had died... while full of food. This brought out the ugly in me I do not care to see. I do not like that years back I never felt there was someone I could trust to handle or provide needs, so when things arise, I go into a flight or fight response to the situation and accept that there is and only ever was me, to handle most things. I over think things way too much and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I know the situation isn't as bad as I make it out to be sometimes, but it is just all too easy to fall back into the pattern that for what years I was programmed into. It is almost a comfort to find myself back in a place I am so familiar with, regardless if I like it or not. 

 I know the Lord is there, it has taken YEARS for me to learn this and try to get my mind to settle on the fact that it is actually okay for me to be accepting of. I have never in my life felt as if he, or one one else were someone I could turn to. Something so few seem to really comprehend. We had a lot of food to throw out... but the situation could have been far worse and that was what I should have been thinking. I know the Lord will provide with a blessing in some way over this. I should not have settled so easily with the thought of where the money would come from for a new fridge, just be still and know that it would. If I am going to walk and speak of faith, I should be one perhaps to try it.

  I am still learning, every day is a struggle of some kind, A battle in my mind somewhere to combat the evil, nasty lies I was once told. I don't have to believe them anymore, no one chooses this but me. In the end it will matter to no one but God. I know this all, but forgive me if it is still hard for me to accept when immediately my response is to do as I have always done.

  No one knows each others paths, we all are different for reasons far beyond our own understanding. The Lord knows and we have to choose to give it to him and let him guide our lives, instead of us being so stubborn and wanting to be in charge ourselves. In the end we will look back and see that those big things we thought were mountains to climb, were indeed just hills to get us to where it is we truly belong.

Tammie