THE ONLY WACKO ONLINE !

It is almost 4:30 in the AM ... sigh ... and guess what ? ... I am WIDE awake.

My brain is on nonstop think mode again and will not be quiet. I have a million or more things running through my head. Insomnia sucks.

I think insomnia enables me to keep my brain thinking .. about all the what if's or should have dones ... the what I should have changed, yet can't to kinda things.  I know the past is the past, but I tend to dwell on things a bit more than the average person I think. Part of the negative personality trait I have always had and grew up with.

Sometimes I wonder how I would be if I had grown up with a different family in a different town. Would I veiw myself as pretty, would I be different socially ? Neither of which I don't think I have accomplished either of. Atleast not very well.

Most days I do feel as if the past is behind me, but then there are times it just lingers in my thoughts. How what I wanted in school turned out to be so much different that what it actually became. How my life was so confusing during those times and made me so depressed.

I have been trying really hard to get over alot of things that I have been hurt by years ago, but it is hard. Somedays I do have a bit more depression than others and no matter what is done, the thoughts of certain things always plague me.  I wonder somedays If I will ever truly just be happy with ME .. or if I am just doomed with what I am until I die. I have always felt that since the age of 12 or so that I am in someone elses body ... no, not like I am a dude or something in a chicks body --ack -- but I mean that under all this "outside stuff" there is something more promising inside .

Most of my life ... No one usually ever took/takes the time to get to know the REAL me, the person I am or the things that I like. My interests, my thoughts hopes and dreams. I know there is more to me than skin or hair, etc ... but I don't think many others do. I just feel so inadaquate.

I look back at old photos and wonder what I really wanted back then. Why did I do some of the things that I did or act the ways that I acted ? Alot of it was so much frustration with my life and what was going on in it at the time and not knowing how to deal with it all. I know it came out in some not so nice ways and made me seem like such an ugly person. I can only imagine what others thought. I closed many a door this way I am sure. 

No one through those years cared that I needed someone other than myself to help me through it all. No one seemed to care that inside I always felt that I could have had the popularity or charisma others had, if given the right chance. That I actually WANTED ot "join" ALOT of things at school and be a friend to others, that I too, just wanted to be thought of as pretty or smart or popular. That I actually had interests and in fact - VERY similar interests in much what other girls my age had. I didn't have one thing during this time though, the advice I needed or the understanding.

So when 1988 rolled around and I knew I had to endure another year of school at the Middle School, no one noticed until the 7th time that I tried to kill myself that even the inkling of something was wrong. I had been teased, tortured, molested, beaten down and abused in my life by others that I thought I had trusted - or tried to make friends with. No where I went was any sort of an escape to me. School - home - whatever, I was always left feeling trapped.

As I sit here tonight I think of the girl I was then and how she wanted so many things and never got them. Not material things, but the love and support we as younger folks need to learn life. I wonder sitting here what kind of person would I be - had I not had to go through the things I went through.  I then realize that without all of those years of that particular way of teaching I recieved, I would not be who I am today or why I am the way I am. I would not have my children - each of whom are a beautiful blessing to me - I wouldn't be ... well ... ME. The 'me' that I am now.

Sure I memorized LOADS of Biblical scripture as a child, but never really truly found any faith in myself until just recently.  As a child I had to watch my mother go through Cancer several times, Chrone's Disease and medications that often left her so doped up that having a mother was as close to non existant as it could seem I suppose. Without my father being around much I did learn quite well that I had only myself to lean on and for support.

To this day I have quite a problem relating to others and making any real friends of any kind, and unless it is done online, I rarely ever get up the nerve to say anything to anyone at anytime. For some reason being here has enabled me to become more of myself, to let out angst I have been needing to rid myself of and find a new path in life. I can be me here, I have - well, with the exception of the FEW misconstrewed times - always felt unjudged and allowed to have this as a santuary for myself. Certainly one that even as I was younger I thought was quite out of the ordinary and way too obtuse for one such as myself.

It is now 5 am, and as I sit here thinking and typing the words as they flow unto the keyboard, I know now that I have to let that little girl I was so long ago, go. Her and I are different people with so many years between us that I can't even remember any longer the happiness she held inside of her, or the dreams that she once had.

All I can do is move on - go with what my heart tells me now and that the future is what I make of it. I cannot change the past, so wasting my time stuck there has to be done. I know it is just not healthy for me and neither is the way that I continue to let myself feel over it.

My main goal, whether anyone ever read this or not is to be one with myself before the day I die. I want no regrets, I want to not have to look back and wonder the what if's or could have been's.  I want to have people remember me in the greatest sence of the word and leave with the sence that maybe for just ONE instant "I" made a difference in someone elses life. Perhaps one that is done with just a smile, nod or wave. Perhaps through love and kindness or a cheerful face.

My years were few as a child, but I learned much ..... now I hope to grow and be a better person for what those years brought to my soul. It is time for me to realize that inside of me, I do have something to offer this world - it may not be riches or power or beauty, but instead that of love and kindness. Friendship and trust. For doing unto others as I would want done unto myself is the only way I will ever live.

I still am not the least bit tired as I sit here this morning. The sun will rise soon and my mind is still playing the latest tune. Sleep doesn't come easy, but sometimes in times just as this, I find the best rest. Rest because I let a little hurt go each time I can write.

With that, I will leave you with a few good quotes I have lingering in my brain ....

"The way to gain a good reputation, is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear"  - Socrates.

" Happiness resides not in possessions, and not within gold, but the feeling of happiness, dwells within the soul" - Democritus.

" Years teach more then books" - Berthold Auerbach.

" After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box" - Proverbius