BLOG TIME !

Since the Hubster if off work today and it turned out to be quite chilly here and blahhh, I decided I would use this time to catch up on my ME mail and blog.

I am thinking some days that it might just be easier to be a man. I mean seriously... I think that in this day and age I have no idea what to do or where I should be next. I feel guilty for not having 4 jobs paying that lawyer to save our house from that lawsuit last year, I feel inadaquate for losing Wyatt and like I should have to save the world, PLUS do all the laundry, homeschool the kids, be a doctor, maid and cook all in one day. But why is it my hubbs never feels like that ? He just goes to work then comes home .. no problems - no issues - no worries. Why ?

Meanwhile, I feel miserable, I hate it here, it is depressing. It is getting cold again - which I am so sure you all know by now I absolutely, without a doubt cannot stand, I want to move - but the hubbs likes it here and don't want to move, thus being a MAJOR source of arguement for several years now, depression wreaks me espessially when it is ugly out and I have no friends around here.

I would be fine with moving back to New Jersey. I mean it is certainly not as bad as being here in Wisconsin, but the hubbs wanted to move. I loved it and didnt want to leave. It was so close to NYC that you could see it. I LOVED the hustle and bustle and go go mentality - right along with the italian american snobbishness. It was awesome.  Chicago was nice too, always home, being raised nearest there it always will be, but yet not a place I am all that eager to return to. Atleast not to live anyway. Besides the FEW family members that I would actually love to see, I am rather fine without living near the majority of them.

So that leaves me HERE.. And they say when you don't like a situation that you should change it, that you are the only one who CAN  change it. Knowing I just simply cannot live up here anymore or endure another year of seasonal reaked depression and the horrible people up here who do not want to be friendly except to thier "own kind" .. I have decided that moving WILL or it HAS to be my GOAL !

Sounds, dumb, I know and I have said this several times before - but somethings gotta give. I gotta get outta here and outta the funk I have been in. I cannot keep living like this or in a place that is so unfriendly !

Sure, besides being a mother there ARE ACTUALLY things I DO want to do with myself .. but the depression I get sometimes and the fact that I do tend to sit in some self pity mode after it for the longest of times, even years after doesn't help. But I do want a change, maybe not all together what people would expect or what is best in the interest of others, but I know it is something I have to do for ME.

This is the time. My years have gone by way too fast. I look back and wonder where it all went and why I let it go the way it did. I write my own story and I want to make sure It ends like I would have written it into a book myself.

I sat here the other day - having an epihany or revelation of sorts (crying about Wyatt once again) ... just thinking and pondering, knowing that - I have to change. I KNOW I CAN do it ! Whenever in my life I want something, I get it... nothing stops me and I know that ! It is time for me to be accountable for my health, my diet, my life my kids, family and surroundings. I cannot keep blaming others for why my life is the way it is or how it got to be that way. I will not be like my father. I will see that I can do this and that better times are ahead for me !

While it may just take me a while.. this is now my main goal. No one answers for me, BUT me !

So, lets see. 

TOP 10 goal list 2009. (not in any order)

1) MOVE

2) End the depression- funk I have been in for a long time. (maybe make friends)

3) Exercise, better diet and health (important)

4) Better attitude, positivity

5) Return to school - I am smart and I can do it. I want to go to school. FOR ME.

6) Get maybe small PT job or something to do - or volunteer work at hospital would be nice.

7) Continue to be a Mom and do what I do, along with more that I can handle.

8) MAYBE? in all of that, gain some self confidence finally and improve my looks some. (yea, I know it's a stretch, but I had to try :P)

9) Purpose to stay out of debt during all that.. (am currently, so don't want any)

10) Remain ME . (aka - not lose my mind anymore than I already have)

Yep so that 's it .. wadda ya think ?!

Lord, I need help !