I still have no idea what to say. I don't even know what to think. I had absolutely NO idea this would effect me as much as it has.
Last week prior to this happening, I totally thought that anything like this is in God's will ... but to be honest - those were just words. I can just not seem to wrap my brain around the fact that God would or could "will" this.
Saturday was the day we lost him and I cannot envision now that even at only 12 weeks he would have had such a hold on my heart.
Some people have said "Well, it's okay, you can have more ... or atleast you weren't that far along" ... but they didn't hear his heartbeat for the first time then only hours later, hold him in the palm of thier hand and see just how perfect he was ... EVEN at only 12 weeks along.
I am thankful that I have 5 other children, but I still feel a hole in my heart. I think it will forever be there. So no matter WHO thinks I had too many kids already and not enough money, I pray you never have to have a hole in your heart like this.
I have so much more I want to say, but my head is so discombobulated still. I thank you all for thinking of me, mentioning me and for your prayers. A special thank you to Windi too who sent me the most beautiful flowers, I haven't ever received flowers from anyone before, so that really touched my heart.
I think I will do better as the days go, although thoughts of this might be spewn for awhile.. it is right now very hard to not think of him.
For now though .. I am trying to just have space until I can get through a whole day without crying. It hasn't happened yet.
Well that is all I can muster for now ... hope you all are well.. you guys have all been in my thoughts too. Thank You again.
TAMMIE
Take your time healing.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't matter how many children you have, your heart still hurts when you lose one. Even if you didn't get the chance to know him. Take your time, it takes time to heal, only time can do that. ((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you Tammie! What your feeling is normal and I totally understand because I would be asking the same questions and feeling the same thing. Doesn't matter how many children you have losing one still hurts. Just try to think of this that he'll be waiting for you with arms wide open when we get to heaven my friend!!!! Hugs to you Still praying!!
ReplyDeleteIt's going to take time to heal. Big Hug!!!!
ReplyDeleteHUGS!!!
ReplyDeleteI don't believe God "willed" it to happen either. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy & I too wondered "why". Someone explained to me that most likely in the event of a miscarriage there was something not well with the child most likely. I just held on to that & realized that any of us can die at anytime for different reasons. Unfortunately our little ones didn't make it to birth for a reason we will never know. But in no way do I think God wants that to happen.
ReplyDeleteHUGS....you take as long as you need to grieve. We are hear for you, just remember that.
It takes time. Have you found out anything yet? Do they have a clue why?
ReplyDeleteI was just talking to my SIL Nikki about it a little bit yesterday and she totally understands. She went through a single miscarriage at 5 weeks and a twins miscarriage at she thinks 13 weeks. She's still mourning them. She explained a little bit to me about how it feels, and the things people say in a spirit of wellmeaning that don't help at all..things you mentioned in your blog. It doesn't make it any easier.
*hugs*
Keep your chin up Tammie. Just give yourself time to heal from this. I don't think women can ever forget, because I never forgot. I have had 2 myself............but I have a healthy son now who's in the Marine Corps and doing great. I truley think God has reasons for everything.
ReplyDeleteThat was so incredibly kind of Windin to do that for you. Tammie, just keep blogging your thoughts down, because it's therapeutic. Trust me, I know!
*big hugs to you*
Like every one else has said, it takes time to heal. You also have a huge hormonal change going on, which contributes to your emotions as well. It is a big loss, and you also had the connection of actually holding him in your hand. Most who suffer a miscarriage do not have that. He wasn't a nameless, formless pregnancy...he was a real little person in there.
ReplyDeleteI also do not believe this was somehow a direct result of God's will. He is the maker of life, and your son is a living soul...our body is simply a temporary encasement of our soul. If you can think about it in this way, that he doesn't have to endure the trials of life on earth (no sadness, no tears, no suffering)...he already gets the prize...life in heaven!
I would not put any stock into what mean people say. You take your time healing and know that the grief process is necessary and normal no matter what week of pregnancy you were in when you lost him. I wish I could take on some of the hurt for you, but I know that is not possible. You continue to be in my thoughts.
ReplyDeletePrayers raised and big hugs sent Tammie, I have lost 2 babies in the past, my little girl, Meghan at 15 weeks and my boy Kyle at 20 weeks it was so difficult and you are right that at times like this often saying too much is bad because the things that are said just come across so cold. He was your baby he was a life and you will mourn him. I wish I could take some of the pain away but I hope it helps to know that I care and am keeping you raised in thoughts and prayers. Love you.
ReplyDelete**HUGGS**
ReplyDeleteTake your time Tammie. You need to give yourself time to grieve fully before you can be ready to move on. Even then, you never get over the loss, but instead you find way to carry on.
ReplyDeleteMy last baby lost was suppose to be born on September 11, 2001. That's a date none of us will forget but for me, its got extra sting. Over the years, my eyes have stopped leaking, but you're right about the hole. I won't feel complete until my family is reunited in heaven.
I'm really sorry Tammie!
ReplyDeleteWhen I miscarried a few years ago the first thing out of the doctor's mouth in the emergancy room was, "Do you have kids?" When I said yes they dismissed the loss as no big deal. So I feel your pain!
I too, feel your pain. I lost Hope just before my birthday in Oct and I still think about her. I know I shouldn't but it's so weird. I lost something out of my body. I know you must be feeling badly. I had a memorial service down by the creek and we threw flowers in. I've got videos of it somewhere on here. But you take your time and mourn that baby. It's completely OK and you take as long as you need.
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking about you alot this week. Praying for u! Love ya girl! Take care of yourself. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteIts going to take a lot of time to heal...Im sure its very hard when your mind wants answers its not getting. God always has His reasons even though we quite often just dont understand.
ReplyDeleteWindi is such a nice friend to send you flowers, hope that made you smile.
Ive not been around much but you are still in my thoughts!
Contrary to what we sometimes say... you did know your baby ... you had dreams of him and for him and he will always be a part of your family. My sister lost David at around 20 weeks. That was 14 years ago.... and to this day every time I see a Peace Lily I think of my nephew - the one I won't get to know this side of heaven. We don't know why he died in utero.....He was very much wanted.... as were my ne ice and nephew who came later...
ReplyDeleteTake your time. I do recommend you have a memorial service for him in some way though. It might help you as a family during this very difficult time. Hugs
You continue to be in my prayers Tammie (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThinking of you & saying prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteHUGS
ReplyDelete