AHHH, THE NEVER SLEEPING BRAIN ...
Yep, 3 am and I am up again .. not even tired. Brain thinking about everything known to man and won't stop.
It wants to play the "What If" game tonight appearantly.
IF ya wanna ride along - hold on - here is SOME !
(and yes, that IS a real brain ! )
What if I would have been liked in school ? At home ? Would I be able to relate to people easier today and know how to make friends ?
What if I didn't think so much about what people thought about me ?
What if I had never met Adam or married him or slept with him or gotten pregnant with Jordan ? What if I gave Jordan up for adoption ? What if I had finished school or not moved to Jersey ? What if my parents didn't ignore me and treat me the way they did ? What would I be like if I had different friends growing up or had done what 'I' wanted to do - instead of what others wanted me to do ?
SIGH ....
What if I had more friends now and didn't have anziety about being around others, would it make me different, what if I had a job ? What if I married someone else or had a different type of life ?
Does anyone know how agonizing it is to think long in depth thoughts ALL the time ?
Does anyone understand me ? Does anyone WANT to ? What do people think of when they first see me ? Do they think I look like how my brain invisions to me to be ? Do they think other things ? WHAT do they think ?
What if just one person had truly believed in me growing up ? Talked me me, gotten to know me, known me really well.
Why is it I have never had people that stick around in my life ? Why does everyone leave sooner or later ? Why do I have such trouble making friends ? Keeping friends ?
Why do I always feel left out and alone ? Why do I always think that people just dislike me automatically ? Why do I asssume that folks assume things about me ?
ENOUGH ABOUT ME ...
My brain wants to toil about other things now ....
Why do clouds form the way they do ? How do they know how to do that ?
How does a baby form and just KNOW how everything can go right into its perfect little place ?
Why is it when I sing, I can feel at one with my soul ?
Why did that make me wanna cry ?
When will people realize that words CAN REAAAALLLLLLLY hurt people ?
How does the brain work ? Why is it that I find the brain so VERY interesting ? DO YOU REALLY GET MORE WRINKLES IN YOUR BRAIN WHEN YOU LEARN MORE ?
Why do I find anything literally ending with 'ology' interesting ? Why do I remember everything I read ?
Who figured out Forensic science ? or classified all the sciences to begin with ?
Why is Chemistry fun ? Why is microbiology funner ?
When are people going to "get" what God sent us here for ? Why are some oblivious ?
Who decided that dinosaurs are how old they are said to be ?
Just how many stars ARE there in the sky ?
Why are people so focused on money in life ? Why can't people just help each other through our journeys ?
What is the least known spoken language in the world ? What country is it from ?
If I move to Greensburg Kansas, would anyone want my help ?
Where is our loved ones in time when they die ?
What is going to happen to this world when it passes away ?
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE ?
I wish not one person ever had to suffer, why do others want to hurt others ?
Why is PI infinite ?
What are other galaxy's like ?
WHY DO I THINK SO MUCH ?
Why can I remember so many memories from growing up, but not others ?
Why didn't I ever learn to play the piano ?
Is it wrong to question everything ?
How many species of fish live in the Great Barrier Reef in Australia ?
Why did Steve Irwin have to die ?
What is a black hole REALLY like ?
Does anyone think that when you die, time has no meaning ?
WHY DOES DEPRESSION HAVE TO EVEN BE AN ISSUE ?
Why are we born to OUR parents ?
WHY CAN'T PEOPLE WORK TOWARD COMMON GOALS ?
Why do songs make me feel better ? or help me to remember badd times ?
Why did I have to grow up ?
Why do I ask so many questions ?
Why do I feel like I don't fit in some places or with certain people ?
WHY DO PEOPLE ONLY TALK ABOUT CHANGE ?
WHY DO PEOPLE NOT GET ALONG ?
Why is it when I am out west, I feel like I have lived there before ?
Why did I decide to not follow through with a few auditons I went to in Chicago ?
Why do I hang my head when I walk and why does it seem so hard and heavy to lift sometimes ?
wHY AM i AFRAID OF MYSELF ??? why ?
Why am I impatient and frustrated ?
WHY DOES ALL THIS STUFF JUST JOBBLE IN MY HEAD AND DRIVE ME NUTS !???
Whhhhyyyy .... does it feel like it is screaming to have some outlet to need to come out of, but I just haven't figured how to release it yet ?
Why do I wanna hug everyone, but yet feel they wanna run from me ? Am I too needy ? Too nerdy ? Too clingy or weird ?
Why don't most people just get to know the real me ?
Why have my hubby and I grown apart ? Why did we used to behave the way we did, or do the things we did ? Why can't we take it back ?
Why do I have to get old ?
Why can't I get money and others seem to just have it LAND on them ?
Why do some people seem to get everything they want ? while others suffer ?
Why can't I be in LOVE ? Do I not deserve it ?
When will I see in the mirror what I feel like inside ?
Should I delete this ? Will anyone EVEN read this ? Really ? Does anyone care ?
WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKINGGGGGGGG ?!!!!!!!!!!!
GAHHHHH !!!!
OKay - I could prolly go on...but now you know a little more about me then you did before, I am a non stop thinker, I wonder and worry about everything known to man or atleast on the face of this planet. I guestion everything and want answers. My brain wants to hold all kinds of info..... suck, suck, suck... like a sponge.
SIGH .....
It is exausting. and this is a normal night ......... lol.
Maybe I can get some sleep now.
PLEASE WATCH:
WHAT IF ? (english)
WAS WARE, WENN ? (german)
ESe ?
? QUE PASA SI (Spanish)
HVA HVIS ? (norweigan)
WAT ALS ? (dutch)
IWAPO LNGE ? (Tanzanian - african)
MEN OM ? (arabic)
HVAD NU HVIS ? (danish)
какой если ? (russian)
倘使…将会怎么 ？ (chinese)
che cosa, come se ? (Italian)
mikäjos (finnish)
hein if ? (french)
APA ? (indonesian)
KAMA NINI ? (swahili)
vad om ? (swedish)
Wow that was long! I always have had trouble sleeping too. Ever since I was a kid. My thoughts would just race + I couldn't quiet them. I'd only sleep a few hours a night. I don't have advice. Just know that you aren't alone in feeling that way.
ReplyDeletewhew.....I may have just glimpsed into my husband's brain as well.....
ReplyDeleteI can understand the frustration.....I'm not sure I could handle that all the time.
*hugs*
Holy LONG Blog!!
ReplyDeleteOk, where to start!!! I too, go through bajillions of "what ifs" all the time, and honestly it makes me depressed, so I have to snap out of it!!! We all come to a place in our lives b/c of some reason or another.. it's just meant to be. The hard things are there to make us stronger, the easy stuff is there to make us realize we need to work harder.. (that really doesn't make any sense, but I'm not deleting it!) As far as your thoughts of people not liking you, that is you.. you cannot continue to assume that people are judging you or dislike you for any reason.. b/c it's simply not true. BELIEVE me, I go through a lot of the same insecurities you have, I just don't project them b/c they really don't get me anywhere.. I've always worried about what people think of me here and whether I'm being judged in public b/c of how I look, act (I'm goofy and clumsy!) things I say, etc.. but I can't let it consume me, otherwise I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning.
On Multiply, if you feel people don't like you or are treating you one way or another, delete them.. they are like a poison. This is supposed to be a place where you "meet" people with common interests, not where you are meant to feel like you are in high school trying to be in the popular clique! (maybe I should take my own advice on this last statement!!! )
What I guess I'm trying to say T is that you are not alone in your feelings, you aren't that different from a lot of people who question their actions daily and think about what could've been, how things could be different, etc.. although I have to say that I don't think I've ever wondered how many fish are in the Great Barrier Reef !! YOu might be alone on that one!!!
Sorry, you know I'm not good with words and really what I wrote just seems to go round and round in circles!!!
Keep working on that positivity thing you are working on.. negativity is too easy to fall back on.. don't let it consume you!
Whewwwww! Theres always going to be what if's in all of our lives......You are not alone we all have them....We all have issues....Even though we might not all live by you....We are still your friends......I can see such a change in you from when I first meet ya online.....You have opened up so much...That is a good thing....I have learned to do that as well.....Everyone makes it so easy to do on here....Why? because we all pretty much are more alike than what we know.......
ReplyDeleteI agree with missmagoo....She said it the best! Keep working on the positive things......Negativity will find its way to you every now and then but the key word is don't let it in.......Think positive......Know that we are all here for you! hugs! luv ya!
What if you had never signed up for Multiply....We would have all missed out on having you for our friend!!
ReplyDeleteI am happy you did!!
Have a happy Sunday!!
I think we all have the "what if's" in our brains...I just try not too listen to mine very much...
ReplyDeleteWow, that is alot of "what ifs" I think that we just have to se those what ifs behind us and not think about them. We don't know why everything happens, only God does ;0)
ReplyDeletehugz!!
That is alot of what ifs and I agree with Angie you have to just not worry about the what if's and go on!! We will never know the answers so no use in playing that game!! Big hugs to you my friend!!!
ReplyDeleteYa know, I wonder sometimes what if I had not dumped my ex for my old man, and stayed in college ..how life would of been, but then I wouldn't have my daughter and I can't imagine that. We can't change the past, just the future and there's no time like the present. The hardest part is changing what we think of ourselves, and if we can do that, we will change what others think of us. We all want to be accepted, but we can't do that if we don't accept ourselves. I'm taking steps to change my life, and sometimes it gets scary and I wanna quit..but I don't allow myself to be afraid. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteYou see .... that ALONE is my problem. I know it is all this crap jombled in my head, but I cannot make it shut up !
ReplyDelete