WALKED OUT ...

Ugh .... today I am venting, so beware - this is a crab and complain blog of all sorts that needs to come out. In the fashion of reflective lookings back around here lately, this should fit right in .....

Today, just now, I just up and walked out the house. I am at the library. All I said was " I am done here" and then left.

I am seriously on the verge of a total meltdown, a nervous breakdown and no one gets it. I am tired of my surroundings, and I feel like I may burst at any second.

Ladies, I was wrong at the age of 16 to get married ... I knew nothing and now I feel as if I have wasted my entire life and screwed up the lives of my children. Things I have wanted and have been too stuck in the now to do - are now making me feel as if the life I have led is not at all mine.

I am usually a quiet person, I don't like stress and choas and out of control feelings ..... I don't feel it necessary to yell and scream and holler - I don't feel it right to be rude and hateful, vengeful and negative all of the time.

However, I have come to realize that the battle I am fighting is a lose - lose battle, especially when it comes to my husband. I cannot take the negative environment anymore ....

WHY WHY WHY, did I not realize this years ago ??? My husband was not raised christian, he was raised by a dictator of a woman who rules her life with hatred and that is what has been circling in my life for a while now. Everytime it is time for his arrival home, I feel as if I want to scream, like right then I am going to have some sort of a fit ....

I know alot of you know how I feel as far as my kids go, I do not believe in any sort of yelling and screaming, you CAN get the point across without doing so, you CAN talk respectively and teach them in that manner. How can one expect to teach a child respect if he refuses to show it in return ? How can one set an example if the refuse to see the problem ?

My husband is in some sort of a bubble, he always feels that I make him out to look like the bad guy - when I feel he does that very well all on his own. Why is it that my kids refuse to talk to him or really do not even want to be in the same room as him ? Why is it that I cannot get him to realize this ? I try pollitely to show him the things that I feel are going on in the house and maybe give hints to some things that can be corrected, but he feels the problem is all mine. The kids learned nothing from him and as far as he is concerned they are old enough now to know what is right or wrong.

I do not feel that is a good way to look at things ... He should ALWAYS be an example and be someone for them to look up to ...

I dunno, I am seriously at my wits end here, I wish I knew what to do ... I wish I knew what to say ... I have been praying and praying and praying ... and putting it in Gods hands ... trying to have faith that all will work out, but to me, all seems to be getting worse. Am I just not being patient enough ? Is it that he is trying to show me another answer ?

Why when I was 16 did I think I knew everything I wanted ... it is almost 18 years later and what I want now is TOTALLY differant then what I wanted then.

I would really like a quiet and respectable christian man - one who realizes the things I do or would like to have ME realize  even the things I don't yet .... ...

I am NOT saying that some of the things that I choose are what everyone wants, so please don't take it that way.  I am merely just venting and trying to come to some form of realization for myself.

I am not now - what I used to be ... not mentally - physically or emotionally, I cannot continue to endure being screamed at because I cannot unscrew a screw or paint a wall for more than 10 minutes at a time. I cannot continue to be in the negative environment  that I am in because the house isn't put together fast enough or the laundry isn't done on a schedule anymore.

I am not going to continue to take blame for the kids talking nasty to one another and refusing to "act" like a family. I cannot continue to feel like I ALONE have failed because of the examles set for them.

I am NOT perfect - nor am I ever going to say that I cannot learn from the things that I have done wrong or am willing to try, but I do feel as if I have failed, and that is a HUGE part of my depression lately .... how can I not take some blame in the fact that I didn't have to stay in this environment for so long ... I have tried and tried and chose to not leave the situation for various reasons.

Today ... I am giving an ultimatum to a certain person, either change - almost drastically - or this IS the end ... and I or I AND the children WILL be leaving.

I do not know what else I can do to try to have MY family be where I want it to be .... but I just know --- that it CANNOT and WILL NOT continue to be like this any longer.

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Hey, guys, ya'll know depression and negativity aren't how I roll ... well, even tho it may seem like it alot anymore - but I hope that ya'll understand and will stick around as friends till I can get this out of my system ...

 

I luv you guys and miss you so much around here. I hope all is well with all of you and I think of alot of you guys all the time. :O)

TAMMIE :o)