ANYWAY ...

(Graciella lets go ~ August 14th, 2008)

When a baby is born, and as they grow, they have no sence to give up. They crawl and then learn to walk, falling down, crying, but then getting back up to try again until they get it. We have all been there and we have seen children there. When is it in life that it becomes OK to give up or perhaps just settle for something ? When I was little and fell off of my bike, I would get up; dust off; possibly cry a little ... but it would get better and not hurt so much as time went on. When I was little I would ice skate, I would fall on my butt, it would hurt ... but I got up and tried again. When I was little, I hit my head on the dive board, but I got up and dove again ...

I have had times in my life that held me down - where I thought I was as close to giving up as ever could possibly be, but that really just is not me at all . I have no sence of giving up or quitting. I don't like to just settle for things and as a perfectionist, if it can't be done right, it shouldn't be done at all.

I have always set the bar higher for myself then even my own family has. I seriously sometimes have no idea where it comes from .. but I do deserve more - don't I ? I do deserve what everyone else has and can have it .... Once I have always gotten into my head that I want something or can do something, there is no stopping me. There ARE NO barriers and limits do not exist.

Sometimes it bewilders me as to how this "self esteem" came about. Where did it come from ? Is it even self esteem ? I don't know - it is so hard to explain how one can go from being a suicidal teen that hates herself, to one day being someone she herself just might be proud of.

This last week my emotions have taught me a few things. One is that what I was seeing, was not who I wanted to be, and if at that very moment, I were to die, is that really some way I would want people to remember me ? Well, no - of course not. Because it wasn't me.

In the back of my head I have always thought that life has a purpose and that my being born in and when I was, also had a purpose and that someday everyone else would see it too - even if I didn't. ~ Perhaps it comes from me spending so much time in church growing up and learning as I went along or perhaps it comes from the desire to just not want to fail.

After all - if giving up were an option ? ... would we have people to look up to ?  

So - I fell off my bike this last week, I hit my head on the board again - but I am getting back up, dusting myself off and picking up where I left off. I am not promising times are going to be easy, like when you first put the band-aid on  .. it might sting for a bit.. I may still cry, I might be a bitch and I bet you'll hear a few complaining words .... but all in all ...

 you do it anyway.

 

 

I hope you all have a great Saturday !