LATE NIGHT FUNNIES :o)

After today - I felt this was needed around here !!!

I will be back in the morning to enlighten you with my brain babble !

 

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
 

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...
Well, it's shit... That's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shinola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit,
shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
 
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

 
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

 
 
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.


Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit,
the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

 
Sometimes your breath smells like shit
< /B> 
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you fall in a bucket of shit
and come out smelling like a rose.


When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit;
or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. 
 Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit
and hope you had a nice day without a bunch of shit.
 
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit
from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
 
HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN
 

 
Oh, and someday's you can't shit!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A MAN AND HIS WIFE WERE WORKING IN THEIR GARDEN ONE DAY, AND THE MAN
LOOKS

``
OVER AT HIS WIFE AND SAYS:

'YOUR BUTT IS GETTING REALLY BIG; I MEAN REALLY BIG.

I BET YOUR BUTT IS BIGGER THAN THE BARBECUE.'



WITH THAT, HE PROCEEDED TO GET A MEASURING TAPE,

AND MEASURED THE GRILL.



THEN WENT OVER TO WHERE HIS WIFE WAS WORKING AND MEASURED HIS WIFE'S

BOTTOM.



'YES, I WAS RIGHT, YOUR BUTT IS 2' WIDER THAN THE BARBECUE!!!'



THE WOMAN CHOSE TO IGNORE HER HUSBAND.



LATER THAT NIGHT IN BED,

THE HUSBAND IS FEELING A LITTLE FRISKY.



HE MAKES SOME ADVANCES TOWARDS HIS WIFE WHO COMPLETELY BRUSHES HIM OFF.



'WHAT'S WRONG?' HE ASKS.



SHE ANSWERS: ' DO YOU REALLY THINK  I'M GOING TO FIRE UP THIS BIG-ASS

GRILL

FOR ONE LITTLE WEENIE ?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Why Parents Drink....

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to
see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and
read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact t hat she is much older than
I am. But it's
not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer
in the woods and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having
many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact
that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it
with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and
ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Stacy
can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad.
I'm 15 now and I know how
to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will
be back to visit so
that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, you r son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
Tommy's house. I Just wanted
to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
report card that's
in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.