This is a blog about my marriage, so if ya'll don't want to read, I totally understand.
First I want to say, that a marriage takes two people, not just one. And while I know I am SOOO not even close to perfect here. I feel it just might be time for me to move on.
Only my closest friends here have gotten the truth out of me as to what goes on here and some stuff ya'll don't know.
But I am soooo tired of feeling broken and battered. I have been trying to work on my self confidence and am slowly chugging along until recently. There ARE actually things I WANT to do with my life ..not just be a maid or a mommy.
I am tired of not being heard, I am tired of not getting ANY help around here, I am tired of the fighting and argueing and fist fights. I am tired of the anger issues and the looks of hate. I am tired of being accused of having ten boyfriends and even "girlfriends" .... I am tired of being demanded to get clothes and shoes and food and takecare of this and take care of that. I am tired of having to call this person and take care of this matter and that matter.
WHY WHY WHY does everything that have to be done around here have to be done by me ? Want a house, go find one- want a kid - YOU take care of it, want a clean house, YOU clean it .. want to eat, you fix it.
I am worn down. How did it get like this ? Last year it wasn't seeming so bad ? Is it just me ? Is it all really in my head ?
Maybe I deserve this ? Or maybe it is just because I have a different way of seeing things.
I got married at 16 - I have been married to the same man ever since. What the hell does a 16 year old know ? Oh sure, I thought I knew ....... but the person I am NOW as to the person I was then is TOTALLLLLLLLY different !
I am scared. I want to tell him I want to file for a divorce, I do. I want to tell him today. It IS over, I don't love him anymore. most days I despise him.... I can't stand to wake up and be around him, we haven't had sex in over a year. Not that I WANT it - cause I reallly could care less anymore, but you get what I am saying ? Ooops, sorry - sure ya'lll didn't want to know that.
I am scared. How can I just leave like I want to ? I have 5 KIDS...5 !!!! NO WAY in hell can I leave 5 kids, I couldn't even leave one, if that was all we had. I can't support 5 kids on my own, I can't leave them with him, I have no education - no money, no job, I am not good looking - so I can't go dance for money or something, I have no where to go, no family that cares or gives a rats ass about me.
Yea... and besides no man in his right mind would want a used up old bag to feed five kids and have some instant family and I don't want to be alone ALWAYS.... right now - yes, I could do that, but for always no.
So ? kinds looks like I am trapped ... BROKEN.
Girl........HUG'S!!! Im alway's here if you need me:)
ReplyDeleteI wish there were something I could do or say....but there isn't. I'm so sorry. I'm here for a shoulder if you need one...but that is all I have! HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that you can do it. If you choose it, you can do it. My mother was divorced when I was young, maybe 5 or 6? And she had 6 kids to support. We were on welfare, all the assistance we could get. I don't remember a lot of family help - just her. And to this day, she is my hero. She respected herself enough to just do it, no matter what it took, just make a better life for her and her kids.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine it's got to be hard. I can't imagine living in your situation.
Be well - and love those kids, even when they're being beastly monsters - they're there for you! You're all they've got.
(((Big Hugs and Prayers for you)))) I know that anything is possible if you set your mind to it. I know their is help out their for you too. Do you think that your just bored w/ the day to day life or that it is your hubby? Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!! HUGZ!!!
ReplyDeleteFrom your perspective....yes....you may feel trapped but you are FAR from broken. If you have the strength to be as honest as you are here (as cathartic as it is) then I believe you have the courage in you to summon the resilience to persevere thru this hardship.
ReplyDeleteIs he the same age as you? If so, I'm sure he had no clue either what he was gettin' into. Do you know at all how sees your marriage. I take it since he doesn't listen to you then he doesn't share how he's reeally feeling but rather it's just pent up emotion coming out along with his cluelessness and ignorance.
Sigh.
Although you are scared and feel trapped and alone....everything that you want to do IS obtainable!
my marriage is work....for both of us. Having married my best friend helps but we wouldn't be together if it wasn't for us both having God as the foundation of our marriage and friends with the same convictions in our lives to spur us on toward success.
I don't know what to say...BIG HUG!!
ReplyDeleteIn 8 days will be your weekend-o-fun. You can get away for a bit and have some girl time:)
I AM thinking I would LUV to read a blog from HIS perspective .... hec, I would like to hear anything, but it is sad that I have no idea anymore what he thinks or how he feels.
ReplyDeleteThank You so very much for your words David :O)
Oh, yes ... I may like it so much that I don't want to come back !!! I can't wait to get to Chicago again. It will be nice to be home for a few.
ReplyDeleteThank You D --- that made me cry, in a good way - cuz all I have been doing is crying in a bad way. lol.
ReplyDeleteI need to know who to call - who to get a start from .. I have no idea. Things are hard when you have no money.
I thought about that - and trust me, we've been there and done that. Anymore- I just don'tknow ... I just don't feel like I can be me and I hate it ! I can be me "HERE" .... and maybe that is WHY I am so addicted to coming here everyday.
ReplyDeleteTammie. I know it's hard but please don't give up! I to feel like I am the one doing it all and maybe I am but I also realized that I was doing a lot of things wrong. Things that I didn't realize made my husband be unloving to me!! I was feeling just like you and after hearing the Love and Respect message and going to the confernese I was like wow how things worked around. You'll be getting a break in just 8 days a much needed one. Take time to think. Please pray also and pray hard before making any moves. Do you think your husband would be willing to read and do a work book with you? Watch a video?? I am going to try and get a copy of the Love and Respect info, even if he won't you can and it will help. It may take time but if your husband is a good will man it will work!! I m praying for you my friend!! Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteI have nothing that will help you other than just to be here for a support and a lifeline and to listen to any venting you need to do. I wish I could do something more! I'm so sorry you are feeling stuck. I think that if you want something bad enough though, you will find the courage and strength to do it. Reach out to anyone that will give you any assistance. And, be honest with your hubby about how you feel. Maybe if he hears you are at this point, he might start listening? Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteBig HUGS Tammie! All I know to say to you is do what you have to do to make yourself happy. It may be hard as hell to leave, there are shelters for woman and children to go to, to get out of bad situations like this. Know you have many friends here that care much about you. My first husband was like this and I finally broke away and life has been much happier since. I only had 1 child though and family to help so my situation is not like yours. Are you sure your family wouldn't help if they knew the situation?
ReplyDeleteGood luck with whatever you choose to do. HUGS!!!
aww hon; you aren't feeling anything differant that some of us have felt at one time or another. I'm not in a position to ever counsel on affairs of the heart. But I will say this: never forget you are just ONE person. You can't do it all although I'm sure your like me and you do attempt to do so. Find your inner happiness and peace, fight for it if you have to. You do what you need to do to make yourself happy Tammie. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. ((hugs))
ReplyDelete1) you do not 'deserve this'
ReplyDelete2) you are not broken, not yet
3) with God, all things are possible. All things.
I wish there was anything I could do or say to help right now. It does take two, I agree. I don't know what he's feeling or thinking so there's no way I could offer advice.
Would he be willing to write down feelings or thoughts in a letter or something? So you don't have do this face to face and get side tracked? Maybe approach him and ask him if he'd be willing to do that, so that you can know what's going on and go from there.
You guys are at a chasm right now, and both of you are screaming at each other and not hearing what the other is 'saying'. It's not going to get better until you BOTH start talking and then, more importantly, start listening to what the other has to say without getting defensive and closing down. That's why a letter may help.
I don't know. I'm just throwing out ideas....
I am not good at all with words nor advice but I want you to know that you CAN do this. YOu deserve to be happy Tammie, you are not trapped. You need to map it out and go check all of your resources and then move on with your life. I have been with my hubby since I was 16 as well, we havfe only been marrie djust about 3 yearsd now but still.... When you love someone , you love them for who they are. You hel and you grow with them. I do agree some people grow out of love with each other and things happen but when you are treated poorly, you need to move on. If he is not willing to change then you need to do what you have to do.
ReplyDeleteYou NEED to do YOU!!! You are not broken and you will find your happiness. I was really sad to read your words on here, knowing that you feel so worthless really breaks my heart. YOu are the rock to your family right now and you ahve been... dont let him tear that from you too!
Take your power and energy and get up the courage to move on!!! YOu deserve it and so does those kids!!!
Well I'm late to the party.
ReplyDeleteBUT,..here goes.
first and foremost...you are NOT a used up old bag. Not even close. And believe it or not there are plenty of men out there who know that women in their thirties usually come along with kids...actually most men know that. That you have 5 is maybe a tiny obstacle but really not important right now.
First, lets talk about Tammie. Not Tammie 'used up' or Tammie 'not good looking so I can't dance for money'
Let's talk about Tammie who got married young and had kids...who hs..for the last 15 years completely and utterly devoted her life to those kids and that husband. Let's talk about Tammie who has so much love for her kids she can't imagine leaving them no matter her misery...even for a split second...and even when they'res fighting and messy and annoying (sometimes).
That is the most beautiful Tammie of all. Do you have any idea how fast I would have snapped on A? I wouldn't have made it 6 months. I'd likely be in jail. You have patience...kindness and love. You are beautfiful Tammie..whether you see it or not. we do.
Every obstacle can be overcome. You need first...a plan. You need to do something that will help you realize your worth. Maybe going back to school is a good..altho scary first thought. And there is PLENTY of money for school...don't use money as an excuse. With 5 kids...and 1 salary you can get grants up the wazoo.
FYI...most community colleges also have daycare centers for their students...seriously look into it.
I don't have a good plan for TODAY...I'm better in the long run as planning. But you need to think about school first...realize your worth, your beauty, your POWER...and leaving him will be much damn easier. Especially knowing you can stand on your own two feet.
I am always here for you girl. Any time.
Good god I can't even comment short. LOL
ReplyDeleteWell...there were several points in there that I could totally relate to. I too felt like, who would want this...I'm 38, no spring chicken, with the body of a woman who has had kids, getting wrinkles etc...but I decided (with a host of other factors) that I would rather be alone than be with someone like him.
ReplyDeleteNow, before you do anything I do agree with Deb that you should try and see if he will tell how he feels or thinks and tell him where you are. I say that, knowing I myself, am not the great communicator but it's worth a shot. Have you tried counseling? I don't think that's the cure all either because we tried that but both parties have to actually want to try and be HONEST in order for that to work.
Anyhoo - I think that you could also look into assistance programs that could help you financially while you go back to school if you wanted. AND yes, there will be child support so you wouldn't be completely out of money. Before doing anything you should research financial assistance programs - doesn't hurt to look.
It's tough going...but it can be done. I'm still in it myself but I KNOW it will get better.
I think you've gotten some good advice up there (points up) and I wish you the best as you choose your path forward.
ReplyDeleteTammie I said a prayer for you and I hope you take the time to pray, I hope you find a way to talk to him and try to find out what's going on and if it can be repaired before giving up... I hate to use giving up... it's more like moving on...stepping up really I mean if that's where you two find yourselves. You would be surprised what a husband will do when he truly realizes that his bride is at the fork in that road. I certainly will always be here for you to offer support and the best advise I can give I am one of those people though that believes God is good and with prayer you will find the answers you need. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteI havent read what everyone's wrote but I can tell you that you are not a used up old bag, ugly by any means and if you choose to go down this path..there IS help. Only you know in your heart if you are ready for this step....
ReplyDeleteYou were really young when you married but look how long you have tried to make this work...If he isnt willing to make compromises and work on things in your marriage then there may be nothing else you can do.....Sometimes its just not meant to be and you do not deserve for any man to hurt you with his hands OR his words. You deserve better.
If you truly are ready then I would get assistance and line up everything first. If you are not in an abusive situation I would look at grants for school or something that you can do online and from home. It wont be easy but its really something that will benefit you in the future. I know it isnt easy but you are all you have right now....
You are not broken just in need of some confidence and I hope we are able to help some with that.
Im sorry that your marriage is the way it is but I do know that if you give it all over to God and trust in HIS ways that your answers will come...You may have to explore to see them but they will come...
I am here if you need someone to talk too! HUGS and I'll be thinking about ya!
I'm so sorry that you feel like this. My heart goes out to you. I have had these feelings many times. I don't have a lot of advice because I still get these same feelings from time to time. Right now we at a ok place. I've learned to sometimes yell back. There are some days that are tough but I'm not back at the place you are right now.
ReplyDeleteThere is help out there for you. You need to start looking asap. Up here the state will help pay for housing, pay for schooling and daycare and then assistance with food. Get yourself prepared...have a plan.
Don't take this situation out on yourself. Your not a used up old bag! Your a terrific mom and I'm sure you can do anything you set your mind to. You deserve to be happy.