I am about to reveal a secret or two about myself here today, it might be a bit of a long blog - but for those of you that are interested it will help you get to know me - I hope.
Most of you who know me here, know that most of my life I have been a tomboy, I like cars - I don't have problems getting dirty and I don't wear dresses. So I guess with the "Red Dress" title, I've got you wondering.
A few years ago - before I got pregnant with Cameron I was on a kick about finding myself ... I lost alot of weight - getting down to a size 7 - and had great times hanging out with my BF, going to her "club" - shopping and just hanging out. I went out as an extra for the movie "Ocean's 11" and I just loved it - it was so much fun ....
Just about that time, I had a dream. Hence - "The Red Dress" ... it was a particuarly odd dream for myself to have - I don't like dresses, and I don't like red. But in my dream, an older woman (40-ish?) came to me - she was stunning - much like an actress on the red carpet would be .... her make-up and hair were perfect, her shoes and the dress she adorned were red and absolutely beautiful on her - highlighting every attribute of her to make it all seem just right ... everyone wanted to meet her or be her. You just knew she was well liked. I did not recognize her, but she told me things to do and things about my life that no one could possibly know ... she told me things that needed to be done so I could be happy. It was a really ODD dream, I tell you. But by the end of the dream, the woman that came to me - WAS MYSELF .... Just years from that time. So everytime I think about "finding myself" now - I think of the "Red Dress" ...
NOW ---- you'd think I would already have found myself being 33. But that is far from the truth. There are alot of times I feel that I can't be me. That I HAVE TO be someone else to please others. IN fact - that is probably the fact ALL the time. Only my BF knows the real me - or pieces of her - because I CAN be ME around her and I know she could care less if I were fat or tall or short or funny or not. She can tell me to shut up or I can tell her that - we are just that way. Trouble is - she is far different than I and also lives in Indiana - so we don't find alot of time to be together much.
Some of you also know that a big piece of me likes to just please people and one of those people is my hubby. I do not talk about him here - usually much at all anymore and there are reasons for that. My hubby was not raised christian as I was, and quite honestly he can be really controlling and bothersome at times.But Since I got married at 16 and have 5 kids - it is best to stay - yes, I have thought abvout leaving.....and, yes both him and I have been out side the marriage with things. It may come as a shock, but I am quite guilty of that. Having a bi-sexual BF who runs a swingers club kinda had someting to do with that. At one time - A short time ago I found he (my hubby) had hacked into my 360 pages and ruined some friendships I'd had by saying things to some people that had to do with that disagreement blog last fall. I still do not know what he said, but it still greatly upsets me and he can be quite jealous. I did threaten to leave at that time and now since coming to Multiply he don't bug me or my pages - so I can be more myself here. Not to mention I don't have other family members here so I can be happy about that as well - no news to the parents is a good thing !
Anyway - I think It is quite possible that a mirror has been held up to my face that I was not so perfect and that I needed to try to worry about myself before I worried about others and trying to fix them or offer advice. I also have learned that I am quite different from the person that I was portarying myself to be .... I am not perfect nor do I want to be. I also have discovered that even though I can work on a car - change my oil and get dirty ... I really like being a girl ! HA HA - when I thought I hated it so - rather it was just me being more or less jealous or something because I did not and still don't really know HOW to be very girly.
I am hoping that by writing this blog, that in some way it can help me to really find myself and maybe find my way to that RED DRESS someday.
My real dream is to wear the Red dress and get up and sing my lungs out looking beautiful in front of others - because folks.... that IS one thing I KNOW I can do !!!! LOL !!!!
LORD, HELP ME ---- BE ME !
TAMMIE
Being you is all I could ask for...all anyone SHOULD ask for! I'm enjoying YOU for YOU...not for anything else! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this stuff! It really helped me get to know you better as we are "new" friends.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great blog Tammie and thanks for telling us your story and dream. I hope we will get to see you up in the Red Dress singing your lungs out Girlfriend!!! Interesting about hubby and amazing how alike all men can be. Just amazing. Thanks again for sharing and that you have a place for just friends! I think that is a good thing!! Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteI really admire the fact you can just come right and say this stuff about yourself without worrying about being judged. Well, you probably will worry about it, but you know what I mean! You're NOT being judged by me. All of us have a story here, but nobody really knows the whole thing until you really get to know someone.
ReplyDeleteI must know...DO you sing and if you do, what the heck are you waiting for! I'd love to hear you!
OMG - I feel so nekked ! lol !
ReplyDeleteI DO sing - but don't do it near others alot because of my constant worring of what people would think. lol !
wow, you are really coming into yourself, Tammie, and I'm so proud of you for that.
ReplyDeleteI think at 33...quite a few people would say that they haven't 'found themselves', so you are not alone in that!
take it slow...one day at a time! You've spent a long time doubting yourself...it's not going to come back to you right away! :)
***HUGS***
awwww.....
ReplyDeletebut it's all good! It's progress, and progress is good!
Yea, I agree with Windi...I'm 28 and I'm no where NEAR "finding myself". Just plugging away at life.
ReplyDeleteNo judgement here...NEVER!
"Oh Lord it's hard to be humble,when you're perfect in every way" That's the song you should sing every day !!
ReplyDeleteIm 36 *did i just say that??* and I still havent found myself!!
ReplyDeleteIt took courage my friend to open up and share your thoughts with us and I for one wont judge you either.
I know that one day you will wear the red dress and be so proud of yourself for finding YOU.
Wow, Tammie...you totally floored me! You certainly aren't the person I thought you were...and I don't mean that in a bad way.
ReplyDeleteI've worried that you were not being treated as good as you should be...and that you couldn't stand up for yourself. Well, now I think you probably can, so I won't worry!
I hope you find your way to the red dress. You deserve it, especially for having the guts to come here and spill your guts! lol
I would never judge anyone....and to me...doing all that you do...and having as little as you do....with 5 children....makes me look UP to you...wondering how do you do it? Mostly without complaint...not having enough heat...and you just say.."well, I hope it's not as cold as last year, and I know we'll get thru it".....THAT amazed me!
Sooooo........You GO, Girl!
And yes, I'm 40.....gonna be 41 and I'm so far from finding myself it aint funny!
ReplyDeleteNO LEECE - you aren't 40 ----- because I SAID SO !
ReplyDeleteI kind of got the idea something happened on 360 but since I didn't know ya then I wasn't sure. Bad hubby for sneaking in on your pages!
ReplyDeleteWell if it makes you feel better I'm 38 and still unsure of myself. : )
I have to agree with everyone else here. I'm 37 and still looking for myself too. I think when we have children our lives kinda get put on hold and we don't have time to find ourselves while raising kids. LOL
ReplyDeleteNo judgement here either!!
I think we all never really find ourselves because we bend like trees when change happens and we find that we just adapt. I've been going thorugh some stuff that really made me look into who I am and what I want from life and I realized that who I thought I was and what i wanted wasn'r what I originaly thought either. You go girl! I'm proud of you for being so honest and ... bare :O)
ReplyDeleteThank you for opening up and sharing. I feel that someday I will have the chance to find myself...when my boys are older and I have time for just me.
ReplyDeleteWOW...ok I am 38 and I am still trying to find my way....hell girl I would never judge you because I don't want to be judged....just remember we have all done things that aren't perfect...and anyone that tells you they haven't isn't being truth with themselves.....Thanks for sharing with us
ReplyDeleteI think we all are still finding our true selves. I don't think that journey ever really ends. Because you know, when you stop improving on what you have, and what you are? You're just standing still.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing~We are constantly changing & I don't think we can ever pinpoint exactly who we are~just as long as you are comfortable being yourself~nobody wants to be judged...
ReplyDeleteMy name is Debra and I.haven't.found.myself.yet.either! lol! And I'm 47!
ReplyDeleteI love your dream! I was hoping that the beautiful Lady in Red would turn out to be you! You are on a journey, my friend! Enjoy it! And lady, if you can sing ... Belt It Out! I can't carry a tune in a bucket! lol So go for it!
Love the Blog Tammie! Thanks so much for sharing! Love ya just the way u r!!
ReplyDeleteWell .... Im gonna guess it is pretty hard yo find yourself then ... lol !
ReplyDeletethis was totally awesome. I know that you will find yourself in a place to wear that red dress and to sing your heart out. I am almost 42, and getting ready to start the adventure of finding out who I am as a mom with a child off to college. There won't be anymore of the day to day taking care of a child for me come august, so I will be finding out what I enjoy just for me. Don't ever give up finding yourself, cause no matter how old you get, it is an awesome journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you ! :O)
ReplyDeleteThank You Bonnie.
ReplyDelete