I am proud of things in my life, but lately I have noticed that there are some things about ME that I would like to change. Last week I did a blog entitled "Accentuate The Positive" ... in which I was dared by a friend, to list all kinds of positive things about me. I think it was kinda neat actually and made me realize a few things. However I do think it would be neat to also make a list of some things I would like to change as well.
I am SOOO proud of my kids, I cannot say that enough. I love them even more than I thought possible - years ago I thought that my kids were quite annoying and that was when I had only 2, but I soon realized that I actually like having them around and they are actually like little friends of mine as well as my kids. I am glad I have the relationship that I do with them and I am so glad that I matured enough to actually realize that they were not as annoying as I had once thought they were. I know that may sound bad - but I was 16 when I had my first son, so maybe that is normal.
Right now anyway my kids are about the ONLY thing I WOULD NOT change. I, myself would like to change some things about myself - to make ME more happy.
One thing I have noticed is that some things that annoy me or even that tick me off, are things that I really just want to understand more or that I just might be jealous about. Sometimes I wish that people would help to explain things to me and help me out with this, but no one ever has. For instance, why I am so irritated by half dressed girls on the tv ALL the time ?! Well, thinking about it ..... I seriously think that I am jealous of these girls. In a way ... perhaps odd, but honest. I have always wanted to look like some of them and be able to have the confidence that they do .... so I get mad at seeing them. I mean I get MADDD. Sure part of me does feel that some girls are degrading themselves or women in general, but why then does part of me want to do that ? Is that even normal ? I have been a tomboy most of my life and when I try to be girly, it most likely looks like I am a transvestite or something. I have no idea how to apply make up or wear things that might look nice. My way of looking nice in HS was more of the "goth" look and I think that was so that I could hide behind the look and not be myself. Seriously ! Growing up I was just sort of expected to be tomboy-ish. After I was molested, I was made to feel bad when I did try to dress up and felt bad - so I think that is what started me not really wanting to - although inside part of me just wanted to. I always wanted to have a girlfriend that showed me "the ropes", but I am not good with people, and usually make a fool of myself because I get so nervous around others - needless to say - I do not have many friends at all and most of my friends are miles away or on-line people like you all.
Now I am not saying that I dislike all aspects about me, I like all the things about myself that I mentioned last week, but when it comes to my looks I still, even at 33, feel as if I am NOT comfortable with myself enough. I don't feel as if the person I see in the mirror, is me ! Does that even make any sence ????
I want to find out why some things irritate me, I think if I can do this I can find out more about myself and that by confronting these things that I will learn to find the real me. Do you know what I am saying ? Like, I mean - maybe things irritate me because they actually are things about myself that I don't like ...... or that I don't want to see manifest.
I know I am not perfect, I have made mistakes. I want to re-think some things and change somethings. I don't want to get to be 80 and have this looming over my head as a regret. I want to be happy with me - I want to know that for once I was happy with what I did, not with what others wanted for me or expected of me.
Maybe just maybe I WOULD like to get drunk just one time ..... maybe, just maybe - I want to try things I never have because everyone expects me to be the good little christian girl. Maybe just maybe I would like to have some girl friends to hang out with as I never have. Maybe just maybe I would like to feel comfy being an adult and not feel like a kid in my head anymore. Maybe just maybe - I would like to be pretty, maybe just maybe I WANT to be girly. Maybe just maybe - I would like to TRY to wear make-up or have a reason to dress up. MAYBE just maybe I for once would like to have tons of friends and feel welcomed an dloved, maybe just maybe I would like to be normal.
There are things about me that I do like, I like the fact that I can fix my car and no dopey guy can try to insist that I am just some dippy girl that knows nothing. You know- things like that - things that make me .... ME. Somethings I DO think sometimes I would like to try or change.
Is this because I am 33 ? Am I going through a midlife crisis or am I just tired of being something I am not to please other people ? If I am going nuts maybe, just maybe I should go to the funny farm, but if not, maybe this would be nice to try.
What do you all think ? Is this just too weird ? Has anyone else had feelings of maybe in thier life they wanted to change something.... anything ? Or is it just me ? Does anyone think people would like me more if I did change? - God does that sound pathetic or what ?
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change the hubby or kids thing AT ALL, ... the money we have - well, sometimes yes, to that of course, but I mean aspects about just me ..... I would like to just be ..... WELL - DIFFERENT.
Okay ... I tried to add the video "Reflection" by Christina Aguilara on here, but I guess I don't know how to. I will try once more. If it don't work, the song is on my main page today.
ReplyDeleteI think all of us at one point or another have wanted to change something about us. This is a very open, honest blog and I admire you very much for writing it. As far as anyone liking you more if you changed, I can't speak for everyone but I like you for who you are now, and if you ever felt the need to change something about yourself for your own personal gratification then I would still like you for who you are and embrace you for who you are. So long as you keep the core of who you are ... Oh and I have a suggestion for you, since you don't have a really good girlfriend nearby to help you out with this ... pick up an issue of Cosmo, they have step by step how to's on make up and hair in each issue. It's geared more towards the single gal, but I still buy it monthly to pick up the beauty tips and fashion tips!
ReplyDeleteI have to go to work but I will come back and read the rest later. What i did read sounds like deep down (in my opinion) that maybe you are looking for a change, that maybe you might want to give more feminine things a chance. Meg was SUCH a tomboy...had me only buying boy clothes for a few years...once she started painting her toes though and trying some new styles she decided she really liked it. There is nothing wrong with change...i was never goth but oh my i thought i was a punk rockin bad ass..hahha I dont know what you would have called that...i had a leather jacket with skulls on it and fringes down the arms!! Had to have that!
ReplyDeleteNow i wouldnt be caught dead in it....
So maybe you'll explore some new things...like maybe a little eye make up (i envision you not wearing any) or trying something new with your hair..whatever makes you feel 'different'...'better' may just start a change!
HUGS and i will come back and read more later!
Thank You Trish and you;re totally right, normally I don't wear any make up. I don't even recall how long ago it was.
ReplyDeleteHello Tammie, Everyone has felt like wanting to change something. There's lots of things I would like to change. One thing is for sure don't change for others but for you. I like the way you are by the way. Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteHi Tammie, You cracked me up when you said that you felt that you looked like a transvestite!! I know, you were being serious, but don't you see? YOU see you as a not very attractive female....other people don't. It's all in your self image!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it took a few years for you to get to this point of feeling so...un-feminine, I guess..is what you're trying to say. Of course you're feminine!. Anyway, it will take a while for you to adjust to your image of feeling attractive. You CAN do it! By the way, there isn't anything much more "girlie" than being pregnant and having a baby!
Experiment with make-up. ! I'm sure your daughter has some? Have her do your eyes...lightly. No blush, no lipstick...just gloss.
And go from T shirts to something a little more feminine. There are plenty of "shirts" that aren't T's. There are V-cut, rounded, henleys, and most are more feminine than plain ol' t-shirts. . You don't even have to show cleavage!
I'm still smiling from your description of dressing up! I think around age 30, most of us start reflecting on what we have and what we'd like to change in our lives...I know I did.
I did start to feel that I was attractive around this time, too, and that kind of helped me when talking to other adults. To this day, though, certain people make me feel like that. Every imperfection is fresh in my mind, and I know they see it! Stupid, huh?
And I can sympathize about your kids being annoying...I had my son very young, and felt more annoyed with him more than I ever would have if I'd had him older. I had my daughter 3 years later, but even then, they were very annoying. Like you, I'd rather they were home with me, though.
I can also say that I had trouble talking to other adults...I just always felt that they were so much better than me, they were thinking I was stupid, and because I felt that way, I acted that way. I clammed up, and couldn't think of anything to say!
I just had an appt. with a neurologist that made me feel that way, and she KNEW she was making me cringe. Just the things she said!
Anyway, I'm glad you're reflecting....and I think if you try, you can be a little girlie, and people will just wonder what the difference is. By next year, you'll be a nice, 30-ish attractive mom of 5!
I hope you have a great weekend! Take care...
Wow , you have a lot going on in your life right now...lots of inner thoughts..so I thought I might share some things with you and my intention is not to offend you or to make you feel badly...Just reading your blog here reflexs back to me at your age and I have learn to accept the person that I am. I am not like others, I do not wear makeup or dress up very often myself and never had. I was always tom boyish as some might say....lol... but I hated house work but loved being out side working. I do not know who set the rules for how a person should be or look at certain ages but I do not fit into most. I do not believe that I have to. I had 5 children by your age also. Never thought I was pretty like all the other girls. Did not fit in with the groups of girls hanging out together..spent alot of time alone because I was very introverted and had a hard time making friends. Even now at 60 yrs. old I have very few friends. I could go on and on about those things. What is important is that you were born an innocent child and things that happened to you as you grew up were not your fault. Children learn what they live. Does not make them bad when they do not know any thing different. Like how to be a good mom. When we have been hurt as children we want better for ours...but when you do not know anything different how do you know what that is until you investigate. and learn. It is the good values in life that you have that are important not.. how good you look. People make mistakes no matter how pretty they are or how much money they have. Read up on Indigo children..this may help you to understand who you are...hope this helps a bit...may Creator bless you and your family and send you lots of love and light...
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