THE REASON ...

Saying that I have felt "led" to start my new blog here is really quite the understatement. I have had it plaqueing me for quite some time now. Find a place that you can REALLY be heard, once you do, someone will listen.
Sounds kinda bazzaar quite frankly, but I suppose unless you have had it happen to you then you wouldn't understand.

I have been blogging for almost 4 years now and made some really great friends and also lost some really great friends. That in itself goes to show how much I have changed as a person. Going back to being the REAL me.. the one that I was MEANT to be.

For those who don't know and have just started to follow me, I grew up in a small town in NW Indiana called; Lowell. Typical little girl really, one older sister, parents - the norm. In my youngest years We spent alot of time traveling south, swimming (another dream of mine) or being at my Grandparents house who lived in Lansing,(a suburb of Chicago) as my Mother had Cancer and Chrone's Disease and was always seemingly in the hospital. The times she was home though were good. She taught me Bible verses and sent me to Awana's at the Lowell Baptist Church. There I learned my true faith and I won ALOT of awards for learning so many verses at a young age. I can remember wanting to grow up to ba a missionary - travel abroad and try to help others to learn what I had learned. I became quite the little marvel ....

As I got older my mom spent more time away in the hospital or at my Grandparents. My father worked alot of hours and My sister who was a full 10 years older than I had by then moved out, so there were alot of times I was alone. By the age of 9, I can say the BIG rebellion of going to church and the constant worry of what others might say about me going, had taken a strong hold. I was literally quite obsessed with how others veiwed me and let me tell you - being extremely sensitive and worring about something like that did not mix together all that well. I was pretty much THE picked on girl for many years after that. I veiwed myself (because of what others said) as the ugliest, most hideous "Quasimodo" type of person for many years after. Even now I have quite the issue with it.

In the worst issue of "bullying" that happened to me - shortly before I quit school - a bottle of Nair was poured on the top of my head while I was waiting for the bus. I had just started 9th grade and was in High school. Needless to say, I lost alot of my hair ... most in patches, and I suffered burns from the Nair which took forever to heal properly.

In 1991, - Sophmore year - I met my husband. His Senior year and at that time he was my savior. Since 1987, when the most of the teasing began for me at my school, I had already tried to kill myself 7 times. I had been molested by a neighbor around the corner from my house and had been - or felt - ignored by pretty much EVERYONE in my little town .... Although I am sure, I did my fair share of purposely shutting people out by then too. I am still known for having such little trust in anyone even after all these years, and sometimes the faces and memories I see in my endless thoughts, are always there. Details of who said what, when, and what they wore even still exist .. it doesn't make for the fondest thing to look back upon let me tell ya.

So I will admit in 1991, I used to whole boyfriend/marriage/pregancy thing to get out of my little town. I was married in February of 1991 and had our son Jordan in July. In August, we moved to Long Branch, (Ft. Monmouth) New Jersey (30 miles from NYC) - my Hubs was in the Army. So when everyone I grew up with were still finishing thier schooling, I was off and running with my next phase of life. I have NEVER looked back.

The first years of being away from that little town were such a delight ! No more black cloud. I was taken away from the problem, thus causing me do a partial blossom. I luved it ! Plus getting up and walking right across the street to the beach was no hinderance either ... lol. I learned to open my mouth, there in NJ - I fit right in with the Italian infrastructure .. no more not standing up for myself ! Since that time I seem not to have ANY problems speaking my mind .... lol. Much to the dismay of some.

Even though - even then - I realized something was missing. Something that had been calling to me. In 1993 my hubs started drinking and going out alot with some friends. I will admit I drank once, but never has it been for me and I still just do not see the point of engaging yourself in such activities when you could be doing better things with your time.

Then through a friend of his on post we started going to church. We really liked it at first. Nice couple of people and a really close nitted-ness kinda thing going on. But when they mentioned to me (at almost 18) that I should not be wearing shorts and need to get rid of the TV.... rebellion TOTALLY reared it's UGLY head ! Not soon after I gave birth to our second daughter, Brittany. The following year, alot of rebellion and selfishness made it normal for the both of us to 'try' to look outside our marrige for the emptiness we had felt. Deep down, I always had this yearning that I KNEW following my heart instead of my flesh was something I should have done. But I had put MYSELF first, just as he had done.

In 1996 my hubbs got out of the Army (the 1st time)and we moved back home to Indiana. I followed - totally unwillingly I might add - and we lived there until he returned to the Army in February 2001 (yes, prior to 9/11) and we were set to go to Hawaii. Obviously, we did not get there because of 9/11 - we got sent to Wisconsin. What a cruel joke. So here we still are ... and SOMEHOW ... Here we are going on 20 years of marriage. I came back and found my way to what I always wanted, and just took forever to find. God SURE works in mysterious ways.

So that brings me to today and my life now. It sure has changed from the ways I thought it would be - way back then and also in the ways I tried to let it go. I hope in following my heart, I can help someone else find thiers as well.

My NEXT BLOGS won't be so "informative" of ME, but more to the heart of WHY I have felt the need to come here. Thank You all for reading and being such great friends to me.


TAMMIE