Up until a few minutes ago, I thought I wasn't even going to bother doing a blog today - but I have to vent ... and I figure if you don't want to read it, then don't ... but this is my place and I have to just get this off my chest. Blogging is MY way of doing just that.
I am in a mood obviously, it is just one of "THOSE" days.... yea, one of those I wanna just scream to relieve the tension within me. Everything just seems to be not going the way I would like it to go and whenever I do something it just ends up a mess, or worse than how I started with it.
A little bit ago I went upstairs to get a Band-Aid because I cut my finger trying to do something else, and the upstairs has obviously been hit by some sort of weather related phenominon that I know nothing of ! I am so ticked off about it. It looks as it the laundry room, closets and dressers have exploded, it looks as if a garbage dumb unloaded itself up there with out even a sound ! Toys are strewn every which way, clothes, shoes, garbage, cups, you name it - it is probably up there lying around or under something somewhere. I wanted to take pictures, but I decided to spare any one who was going to read this. I honestly do not know WHY it is my kids have to be such pigs !!!!!
I can be honest and say I haven't been to thier floor of the house in a while, my bedroom and bathroom are on another floor and the kitchen, livingroom, etc. on yet another - so I usually have no reason to go up there - but today when I went to look for a Band-Aid, they were gone, so I knew where to go look. Yea, upstairs. Maybe I shouldn't have, I dunno - then atleast I wouldn't be so pissy about it and all, but it just makes me so mad that they can just destroy a whole floor and NOT clean it - at - all ! I should not have to clean up like after them like a mad woman anymore they are 16, 13 and 10 - Cameron is 2, so I expect that, but that is not my point, It was far more than just his room that was a terrible horrible mess.
Once they get home,I am going to pitch a fit .... I know I will hear every excuse in the book that there ever could possibly be. But just you wait kiddies, a box is coming, oh yes, a box is coming - and when I spring clean ! WATCH OUT ! You'll be so sorry ! MUAAAAHHHH !
~
Today I am also aggrevated with myself. I am just so upset that I have such a hard time relating to people and making friends. Why is it that I say things and just blurt things out sometimes ? Why do others take things wrong - that maybe I didn't mean it, the way it sounded.? Why is it that I just cannot make friends or keep them to save my life ? No, nothing new is going on to bring this about, if you wondered - but since I have been working on this whole "Discover Me" thing and trying to figure a better way to be and honestly know myself more - this stuff comes up. I hate re-hashing old crap, but there is still so much that has a hold of me - AND- I don't really know why .
Do I feel these ways because of my parents or because how I was raised.... do I feel so unimportant because of how "I THINK" others percieve me ? Why is it that my parents celebrated my sisters birthday and never mine ? .... I have never had presents or parties etc , like many do - and STILL even now - no one even calls me. I would like to think that I go out of my way to make people I know well, days' special as I can - but no one cares about mine. I remember a girl in my class growing up, her birthday was the same day as mine - people at school treated her like a queen, she'd get all kinds of presents, balloons, gifts, hugs, whatever - and me ? No one - not even my parents would say happy day to me .... and regardless of a special day or not - it just has never been for me - ANY DAY - no matter what day of the year it is ......
so I'm sitting here trying to figure out if the saying "You teach others HOW to treat you " really means anything.
WHAT can I change ? How am I percieved ? - I mean even by my parents - really now, how can I change who I am or who I've always been ? I WANT to be different then I am, but I have no idea what to do. Part of me just wonders why some people are sooooooooooo lucky to have certain things I've always longed for, yet don't appriciate them - or if they do - because it's always been there for them it is no big deal. IT MUST BE NICE ..... IT just MUST BE NICE.
I guess I either just don't get it, don't deserve it or the Lord above just thinks it's not for me - I dunno. Whatever - somedays are just this way I guess.
SORRY if you're reading this ... my b*^t*h session is over now, I've got to go scrub something and clean up - I've been FARRRR too lazy lately !
HMMMM, I don't even know if this helped me really vent or not ! hmmmph ! Good god, I need spring to come !
Hope you all have a good day !
T
I think the biggest part is that you gotta learn to love yourself---for who you actually are, not for who you 'want' to be. Or you you think you should be based on other people.
ReplyDeleteAs an example: Mel's birthday today. She's getting all sorts of attention, presents, cards, etc etc. I think it's awesome for her because it brings her great joy---but I don't want it for me. Our family stopped celebrating birthdays really early on, and the most I'll ever get is a card from mom or maybe a call from my twin brother. I have 8 brothers and sisters! I might get a call from one of them. I got used to it a long time ago. It doesn't make me feel unloved...it's just not a priority at all in our family. I COULD wish I had a family like hers that celebrated like that. I could wish that my friends would send me cards and presents. I could let myself get upset that MY family doesn't do that...but you know what? It's ok because I decided a long time ago that it was ok. I don't need it to feel ok about myself. Does that make sense at all? I made a decision that what other people get/don't get doesn't define ME. I define me.
If you want me to be honest, I do think some of your perceptions of people 'not caring' are self induced. You think people don't care, and so you look for proof that they don't care.
Unfortunately, the way in which you were raised certainly doesn't help your feelings any, it's only validated them--but YOU are the only one who can move past that. You've got to come to accept that the way your family treated you doesn't have any bearing on who you really are. You keep saying "maybe i don't deserve it", which is the worst thing to say to yourself.
Do you know why God commands us to forgive? It's for our own sake, not for anyone else's. That's the beauty of true forgiveness, when you've done the forgiveness and it doesn't matter to you whether or not who you've forgiven even THINKS they need it, or accepts it, or apologizes, or anything. Because that's not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. It can bring it, but that's not the definition. Forgiveness is you truly letting go of the anger in your heart for misdeeds, and letting go of the anger EVEN IF THEY DON'T RESPOND OR CARE.
And I think, for you to accept the person you are as being worthy of having friends and being loved, you need to forgive your family. You haven't done it and it's holding you back.
I think you are a wonderful, loving, kind person and I'm very happy we've met. I hope that my blogment doesn't hurt you in any way. I'm trying to be honest as I can based on what you've said about things.
OH NO Windi, I appriciate everything you said ... I take things constructively and try to learn as much as I can from them ..... however, This is for sure going to sound "looney" ....but how can I forgive all those things in my past when they are always there ? I mean if I look in the mirror, I don't see what others see, I see a very grotesque, ugly - deformed person. I can hear what people said as if they are still saying it - and lets face it - I'm not getting better looking with age here. It does sound weird, but I still hear them, I see them, I remember thier faces .....
ReplyDeleteI think when someone pays me a compliment they just do it because they feel sorry for me or they just say it to say it ...
I've actually had times when I have refused to go places because I feel too ugly or not good enough. Maybe deep inside I really thnk I am not good enough for real friends .... it is so hard for me to pinpoint that exact thought within me.
Anywhooodle, how do I forgive ? I just don't understand that very well.
p.s. I would like my birthday to be big - maybe just once in my life, it sounds fun... lol. HEY ---- probably when I turn 120 and am on the news !!!!! lol.
oh and Thank you for being honest Windi ! :O)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Windi, it starts with yourself! You have friends look at your list on your page! the replies that you get! If people are expressing how they feel about you chances are they are wanting you to know that you are very special to them....You need to start by accepting you for you and don't try to change who you are to make anyone else happy! Because the only person that matters is YOU! Don't be so quick to judge yourself! Past are just that the past and sometimes its really hard to let go,but try writing all the things that bother you from the past and put them in a box and dig a hole and the ground and bury them! That can be your way of starting over and letting go! I know its easier said than done,but its a start! hugs to you! I really hope your day gets better! hugs!
ReplyDeleteI have to say I also agree with Windi....and we are all your friends here....I think at times we are hard on ourselves than others are....but we just don't realize that....
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to ask you what branch of the service is your husband in and were are you guys stationed at?
It's all been said! There's nothing left for me...but that's okay.
ReplyDeleteI will say about the kids mess....yup. I clean, I blink, I see a mess. **sigh**
Oh wow it's been said great from the other's. I think we are always hard on ourselfs and some people are easier to make friends and others have to really try. I think your a great person and consider you a friend!! Hang in there! Hugs to you! Plus the messy house! UGH!!! KIDS!!! I hope your night will be good! Hugs
ReplyDeleteThank you everybody, I know I am much harder on myself than others would be - I don't know why I do that really, I just have alot of old problems that I have to get over and that is proving REALLY HARD sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Windi too, that girl knows what she is talking about!
ReplyDeleteI think forgiving is a release...you let the past BE the past and not let it intrude on the present. YOU decide WHO you want to be...Things in the past dont have to hurt so much if you let them go. I dont need to see a picture of you to know how you look. If you want to change something personally about yourself, start making small changes...do your nails, style your hair different..WHATEVER it is that will spark a change that you desire!
We create our own environments and happiness so for instance who cares how your parents see you. If you want to be a certain way then you act the way you want....
I guess i am not making much sense here! Sorry..but give yourself some credit for knowing that YOU DO want to change and then start focusing on HOW you can change!
I rarely had friends before K started school and I made some when we started going to church. K wanted to hang out with some girls and I had to meet their mom. Granted we dont get to go out much and we arent the type to talk on the phone for hours, but they are there if i need them. I was shy and just decided i was tired of being that way.
Try not to get so down and remember the power is ALL in your hands!
I can picture just what you're talking about. The look on people's faces as they said things to you that you can never forget. Everybody talks about "moving past it" as if it's something to be erased from a chalkboard. However, the reality is, that you're probably NEVER going to forget that comment, and the look on the face that said it.
ReplyDeleteNobody ever says how this magical thing of "moving past it" occurs...and I think that's what you're trying to say. Probably without therapy, you won't be able to move past it.
But...I know one thing...there is a picture of you in the hospital after giving birth to either Jordan or Brit...and Tammi, you are really pretty.
Time? Well, you CAN help it. As others have said...little changes, little bits at a time. Spend time on your hair instead of what? Throwing it up? Putting it in a pony tail? Blow dry it.
Or, your nails...just shape them. Put on hand cream. Put on a dab of perfume. Sometimes just the act of DOING something to yourself that you wouldn't ordinarily do can make you feel better, or more feminine in your own eyes.
I'm sure Brit would be thrilled if you let her put a little make up on you...just for fun. Just START!! You're NOT ugly, Tammi! Look at your KIDS! They look like YOU!
Once you start having a little more confidence in how you look, it will make a difference in how you think others perceive you. You will find yourself actually knowing you said the RIGHT thing! And yes, pretty hair and pretty makeup can make a difference in how you think even your internet friends think about you....even if they can't see you.
The thing is....START! Somewhere!! Your TOEnails! Really! Once you feel better about your looks, you'll feel better about your mind, and believe that the things you say are OKAY.
As for moving past what others have said....well....maybe you won't. But you don't have to let it HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE PERSON you are TODAY. F******* those asses that did that to an innocent child. And yes, they KNEW what they were doing. But you can beat them, by being just the opposite of what they said. Then you'll feel better about you. We're all here, and I happen to think that you write pretty damn good, so that's ONE good thing for your side. I'm sure others love reading your blogs,too....they're very interesting....to me, so I'm sure, to others. And, you're a great mother....to FIVE kids!!! That's a start.
Anyway, I'm sending lots of positive thoughts, prayers and hugs your way tonight. Take care....
Well since I don't know you very well am a friend of muffy..
ReplyDeleteWell if your kids made the mess then let them clean it up..
Don't u dare do it. And if they don't do it just leave it and maybe
sooner or later they will pick up once they get tired of looking at
it or stepping over it. Thats what I use to do I refuse to pick up after
my kids if they made a mess...Now they are grown so its still on them
to keep their place clean...
Maybe they'll get the hint and pick up after themselves...Expectly the older
ones I wouldn't expect the younger one to do so with out some help...Make it
a game and she'll do it...
Thats the best I can offer to say to you..
Your new friend littlefoxes....stop by my pg and check it out ok.
I agree with what everyone has said. But I know how hard it is to forgive things from the past, and even harder to let go once you have forgiven. I too seem to be harder on myself than what others are. If you would like another friend, please feel free to add me. We can all use more friends in our lives, whether they are here online, or face to face. I hope that you have a better day today.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you can do it on your own. I think God can help you do it, if you ask Him. I do know one thing, you don't want to, not yet. You are still holding on to it for dear life.
ReplyDeleteDon't let them have that control any more. You've proved them wrong in SO many areas of your life--a good marriage, healthy happy kids, your own house, being drug and alcohol free. Look at how many vicious cycles you've already broken. You can break one more-----self loathing.
You know Windin is so right!
ReplyDeleteYou were in my thoughts and prayers all night! I am not sure what all happened to you and I do know by looking at the pictures of your kids you are a wonderful mom and you can tell you love your kids and that they love you! I don't know you that well but I am looking forward to getting to know you better and becoming better friends! Since being on the computer it has helped me out so much! I mean I used to be really shy and not open up to people that I didn't know but I tell ya just in the short time I have been on here I have made some really good friends and the thing is they accept me for me I don't have to pretend like I am someone else! I have a few close friends out-side the computer but I feel so close to every one on here that I talk to and I can tell ya I have gotten allot of good advice and can feel what true friendship is like just being on here! That may not make to much sense but I am speaking from my heart!
God will help you through....We were really into church stopped going because of what ever reason you know once you don't go like you used to its so easy not to go at all.....Things in our lives didn't seem to go as smooth as they did when we were in church! Our church family is wonderful...Now that we are going back and I am getting back into going on Sundays and some weds when my daughter doesn't have cheer-leading practice ,but the good thing about her cheering is its for a church and while she is cheering they learn bible verses....Its a good positive experience for her! I am a true believer that prayer changes everything! So don't be so hard on your self...If you ever need to talk I am here for you! I don't know if my words this morning helped any or not but I just wanted to let you know...You are in my thoughts! hugs!
I think I must be the last person to read this...I had to scroll WAY down..lol. Proves something though doesn't it...u got alotta friends who care alot about u ! I know you'll never be able to just forget the past but u can try to move on and grow from it and be a stronger person for it I think ! I think you're great! Love having u as a friend! Wish u wouldn't be so hard on yourself sometimes. Come to think about it..you're a actually probably my best friend on here/360...I talk to u more than anybody here ...u know more about me than anyone on here. So always remember ...u DO have friends Tammieeee!!!! Now as for that mess upstairs...good luck w/that!..hehe!..j/k My friend Christal was just telling me the other day about her son (9) had a little friend over to spend the night, so she had him clean his room all up...she said 5 mins. after the friend got there it looked like a bomb went off in his room..lol..every toy was out , everything in the kids bag was out and she asked her son.. I thought u cleaned your room...he's like.. I did Mommy..there's nothing wrong w/it! lol And then her daughter (6) came to her and said Mommy when r u gonna wash clothes ..all my clothes r dirty...and she told her ..well there was nothing to wash..there's nothing in your hamper (all her clothes were all in the floor in her room..lol) ...told I don't care if u go to school naked..hehe!...sooo..long story short...that was one way to get her to pick up her clothes and clean up her room..lol. Anyways...hope today is better for u! Smile!!!!!!! Take care! Luv ya, Tammy
ReplyDeleteI hope you are having a better day, today. You sure have some great friends here to support you! If you are on a new journey of self-discovery then you have already taken the first giant step! Good for you!
ReplyDeleteMy kids are 16, 13 and 11,so I can totally relate! Lucas (11) just said he wanted to get something for my b-day. I said, "how about cleaning up the basement (our rec room)?" He gave me a look of pure disgust! God forbid, lol!