Well, after this week, a good cry was what we needed. Sometimes it is just so hard to deal with everything that life hands us all at once that crying is a good release for that, I suppose.
After Monday and Tuesday spending our time just thinking about life and pondering what we thought it was supposed to mean for the time being - closure came in the form of us - just being together.
The wake for one of my daughters bestest friends, was a little more than we realized she was ready for, with a near attendance of near 300 or more, my daughter came home from the experience quite a bit shaken up. She didn't want to talk and just went to bed. This at 8 o'clock in the evening, and this from a girl that sometimes you actually have to tell to shut-up in order to get her to be quiet. But we understood, and just let her be. By morning - she was offered to stay home from school, but chose not to do so, she said she'd be fine and wanted to just go. By the time school was out and she was home again, she was a little back to normal. Not quite so talkative yet, but she divulged in me some of the ways that she had been feeling the evening before. I guess to a 13 year old death is not at all a realistic thing, and much in the same to all was the appearant feeling. She had wanted to go to the wake with a group of friends and not with us, we were ok with her making that decision, however we wanted to be near for her, so we'd decided that we'd meet her there and pick her up ourselves. My hubby actually ended up having to work late that evening that he, himself went to pick her up at the funeral home. By the time he had showed up he stated that there were so many people that you could not get through the door and there was a line wrapped clear down and around the corner of the street - along the row of near 21 bars that litter our small town. Brittany was no where to be found, so we exerted the use of our cell phones to find her.
Brittany said to me that it wasn't seeing her friend in the state she lie in, that bothered her, instead it was how OTHER people had managed to show up, portray themselves or respond to the deaths of the whole family. Kids showed up on skateboards - with or without parents, running around in a very demeaning way, wearing innapropriate things or shouting as if it were some school game. She stated it felt like instead of being a funeral that the family were more of a circus attraction ..... something for the people of our small town to come and gawk at and be disrespectful towards. Hardly any one took into account the feelings that thier mother must be having, alone now, how she must be hurting. This fact bothered Brittany so much so, that it - as she says - has changed her opinion of people forever. Even my husband states that services were so chaotic and no one really seemed to have any care or respect. What may I ask, IS wrong with this world today ???? Do parents not care enough to supervise thier kids that they let them wander town and rudely interrupt services so they can just gawk, getting thier kicks and having a good time in the process ? Does no one teach the kids anymore that this is a real issue and how to have respect for others ? I can certainly see why it was that Brittany would have been upset by this - as I myself, would have been as well.
Wednesday wasn't much different here. It was pretty solumn and we were all just pretty quiet about the situation. Brittany had wanted to go to the actual funeral, but at the last minute changed her mind. She called me from school and told me that she'd just come home instead - she wasn't sure she could handle it or wanted to be near the family at this time. The funeral should be more family, so she didn't want to feel out of place. This of course was okay with me, so I picked the kids up from school that day. It was hard - as I did go to do so - seeing the four cars head down the section of town to the cemetery - followed in line by so many that it seemed to take forever. They first stopped at the family farm and unloaded the cars, all four onto horse drawn carriges, THIER horse drawn carriges, drawn by THIER horses to the remainder of the way to the cemetery. I had thought to myself, that I was glad that Brittany had chosen not to go, I do not think she'd have handled this part well, as she had known that this was a wish that her friend Hopie had wanted, a simple statement - made in casual conversation some time ago, not clearly knowing just how close it would be or what it would actually mean.
Thursday was another slow day, it has rained here all week with only a few peeks of sun. It has helped to continue to keep the mood solumn, but slowly things seem to be going back to a normal pace. We took Brittany - by her request - last night to see Hope's grave. In the rain - she cried. As Hope, her sister; Erin and thier Grandparents lie there - Brittany cried. So much emotion that my husband teared up as well just watching her. To think that thier mother, had lost a little son not so long ago, a son that now lie next to his sisters and grandparents - to think of the mother and how she just has lost her whole family and how she just has to be feeling. Her parents and her children are now gone - the utter pain that must accompany this, must be unbearable. ~ Upon our leaving the small little cemetery on this day, Brittany says to us, "The next time we visit ... we are going to bring with us 5 ROSES ..... One rose for all of them". Then a tear ran down her face.
~ I certainly can tell you this week has been one of the longest weeks that I have been though in a long time. It is hard to watch your child feel the pain that this brings, It is hard to explain what it is that you, yourself do not understand. It is hard to sit and conversate with your children about things like this, even if you do not want to. It is hard to hear your 16 year old son - who didn't even really know the girl, state that "It really puts life into a perspective that he'd not previously thought of" ..... or how it had made them all think of things a little 'differently' than they had before.
Even through all of this though, I find myself, just wondering how the mother is, how alone and secluded she has to be feeling. I feel selfish in a bit of way that I can take the time to think of other things. How this just has to be the worst time in her life and how that I know if it were myself, I do not think that I could make it through all of this. I know that in the Bible it says " God will not give you more than you can handle" ...... but seriously, in my opinon, it just doesn't seem fair to me .... HOW can ANY ONE "handle" this ?????
In our many prayers, I am going to end this week ......... praying for thier mother, thier daughter and feeling thankful that I can have my family .... but for the grace of God go I ..... and I don't think I could or would ever want to. I pray ......
TAMMIE
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