Do you see this little girl ? Who is she ? What in life would/could she accomplish ? What do you think of her picture or about her ? What if I told you all that I hated her ? What would you think about her then ?
Well, the picture above is a picture of me ...This is a picture taken when I was 6 years old in Kindergarten; September 1980 .
Back then to me it didn't matter what you wore or what you had, (still don't) I was very smart and very cute. I loved to play outside and I liked the friends I had, cars and just being able to do whatever whenever. Sunny outside days, playing in the dirt, going swimming and running around were the best of all. When I was 6 years old I won awards for being the best at memorizing bible verses and won all kinds of awards in my youth group called "The Awana Club". I had lots of hopes and dreams, one was to be a missionary and the other was to be a professional swimmer/diver, I loved the water and was in it all the time ! Wherever there was water I was there ! For some reason with time I got disinterested and went another way with life and nothing was ever really very enjoyable after that. I was teased alot in school and beat up alot, thrown things at and made fun of on a constant basis. I never had anyone back me up or stand up for me, not even my parents, I remember hearing alot of "Sticks and stones will break your bones....", "they're just kids being kids", or "Get over it"...all to which since I was really very sensitive just made me cry.
The reason I hate her in the picture is because I wish she'd of had been stronger to stand up to the horrible kids, the horrible man who molested her when she was 11 and against the people who didn't help her. I hate her because she had so many desires and didn't know how to get them, or what to do with them, letting negativity ruin her life with bad influences around her and people who really didn't care about her at all. At that age to not realize that the world IS in your hands .....GRRRRR ..... I feel jealousy and hatred toward her, but yet want to cry at the same time. I know it doesn't make sence !
I know this is or may seem sad, but no matter what I said or did when I was little NO ONE listened to me, I was very ignored, and had to fend for myself. My mother was sick and I know it was not her fault, but being left alone I really resented. My parents only argued all the time or didnt even speak to one another all the rest of the time, so I was like a pawn in thier game of life, one would use me against another. I felt so useless and alone. I spent alot of my life this way, and obviously have never gotten over the things that happened to me. I hope that I can help someone by talking about it and that maybe it can help me too. I dunno, I just felt a deep need to get this off my chest today, I hope that you who read this dont' mind my babbling. I am not as depressed as it sounds, just I know I have to get rid of this and let it go. I want to make peace with the little girl.... I want to be happy again like I once was then.... long ago. If only I knew then what I know now ! My life would be soooo different. Well one thing I know now for sure, if you don't like the fact that I have Christ in my life then I don't need you in my life, I always wanted it and cared too much that someone wouldn't like me for it, but now I don't care ! That is one thing I have learned atleast !
Well, I have some things to do so, I hope that you all have a good day anyway, I will write more soon as I can. God Bless !
TAMMIE
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