Let me start by saying that a "friend" of mine mentioned a certain person over the holiday and how great this person was ... unbeknownst to her I had an experience to the contrary with this same person and told her of it only to be dismissed on the subject. (which I fully expected)
The subject I speak of is molestation. When I was 11-12 for about a year I was molested by a neighbour, a neighbour I 'thought' was a friend to me and my other friends. My other friends lived right next door to this man, but I lived a few houses away and around the corner. We were all pretty good friends at the time and were together alot throughout our childhoods.
This particular year this man had a pool put in and all the kids would go to his house to swim, at the time and at that age nothing dawned on me to be wrong with that, I would later find out different. (For those of you who don't know me, I loved to swim, I was in the water all the time whenever I could and I am still that way to a point.)
One evening my friends and I were all swimming, but then they had to go home and I decided to stay... alone. (I hated to get out of the pool) At the age I was at, I thought nothing of it and I was totally nieve. I can remember swimming around in the pool having a good time...doing what kids do and then the neighbour getting in, still I thought nothing of it. Really. He brushed up against me a few times and then once really hard, he grabbed me and asked if I liked it. He said to me that I had good "tits" for a girl my age and that he knew I was going to be a good girl. He continued to rub against me with what at the time I had no idea was that manly thing we all know of. He proceeded to ask me if I liked what he was doing and that he knew I did like it because I was a good girl. I told him I wanted to go home, but for some reason he persueded me into his garage. (why I went in I do not know)Once in the garage he shut the door and asked me if I would like to see what real men have. I remember that I did not answer him, but he showed me anyway. I wanted to leave, but I was scared, I remember that I just stood there. He then told me that he had some things I needed to see, things that real good girls do for their men. He told me about and then he wanted me to watch him jack off, I thought it was the sickest thing on this planet. He turned on a porno and wanted me to try what the girls were doing, I can remember I said "hell no, that is discusting" ! He asked for me if I would lie down and pose for some pictures for him sometime, because he knew I was going to be a good girl who likes to be good to all men. I did not reply, and no pictures were ever taken. (Thank God)He reached for me and grabbed my suit, to which was torn on the left shoulder strap. (I can remeber it was red with purple staps)He pulled me in close and rubbed himself on me, he rubbed my private areas and asked me to remove the top part, he tried to desdribe things I'd never heard that he wanted to do to me and with the porno being on awhile now (a girl was doing oral sex to a guy) he kept pressuring me to be a good girl, just like her and make him happy by putting his you know what you know where .... I wanted to literally throw up ! I screamed, I screamed so loud and ran to the door ... I got the door open I ran all the way home, I cried running, all the way and went straight into my room and waited to tell any one for days ... when I did finally tell my mother, she told my friend's mother who told her something like I was seeking attention or lying about the whole thing. The guy neighbour would not do that because he was not like that. He was a great guy. (The truth is still not clear on exactly what was said, but I do know that she was told.) After that ... my mother told me to shut-up and not to make neighborhood trouble, she didn't need trouble around her right now. So for about the next year (approx.) till I learned to avoid this neighbour all together, I was continually shown things when alone ... even if I just walked by his window, rode by on my bike, even If I walked by his house to go to my friends house he made sure I saw him, saw him and what he thought was all his glory. I was afraid to go to my friends anymore and I have never had such an experience again, but I can tell you from then on I knew men were pigs, most anyway. Only wanting one thing and praying on them that would give it. I felt dirty, so dirty, and no one till this day believes me. They all think I made it up....for some dumb ass attention. So maybe the friends I thought I had ... were never really my friends at all. A true friend would stand by you no matter what, atleast that is what I try to do as a friend, but no matter how I treat others, the shit always hits the fan one way or another.
The sad thing is though I know of a friend that this also happened to with the same guy that knows this happened to her, but she will not stand up and speak out, if she did, maybe someone would believe me besides her.
I know this happened to me, it was very real and I remember it like it was yesterday, I think it is only right to let people know of the truth in life and not let them go through it thinking only what they believe, thinking that some things never happen when they do or that their own little world isn't what they thought it was. It was not my intention to "burst" anyones bubble here, but " the truth lies beneth" and life isn't always what it seems to be. I DO NOT need help, it is you who does if you cannot except the truth.
If any one can Identify with me, I wish I can help you. Please contact me. Please tell EVERYONE you know, even if NO ONE listens, tell teachers, doctors, police ... ANYONE !
No one listened to me, and now what can I do, people live in a bubble and refuse to see what is really in front of them, from now until eternity I will not be the same person because of this man, he forever changed who I was to be in life, and with no ones help, I became no one, a nobody with no friends that trusts no one. An insecure little girl is what I will always be, trapped in time for what he took from me. If I had-had one person that believed in me, one person that I trusted ... but I had no one. And now I know the truth ... I never have.
I have just one comment and will not elaborate any further. Not being believed when you tell someone you expect to love and protect you can sometimes be more traumatizing than the actual act that took place.On second thought, I have two things to say. I'm sorry you have to carry such pain with you ... find a way to let it go or else you will forever be a victim from it, possibly spilling over into areas of your life in other ways that you don't immediately connect it with. Seems to me though, that you have already identified that it has affected other areas of your life, talking about it to someone who actually believes you or will just listen is the first step in fully healing and letting go.
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