Not what it seems .....

Happy Holidays everyone !

Hope everyone's Christmas was well. I thought of everyone throughout my day here. I have been so busy the last few weeks that I have had no time to sit and write anything down.

Experiencing some major financial troubles atm has got me quite down...I have not had a time this bad in quite along time and we could really use some prayer. I am really regretting buying this house now and do not really know what to do from here. I thought with weeks before Christmas I would find some small odd jobs to do, and I did, but didn't make much money doing them; we tried to sell the venison that Adam went hunting for as well as some things on eBay to make money for the kids to have some gifts...well needless to say we made only about 120 dollars, just a small help to the many bills that are mounting. We did recieve money from family for gifts; about 150 dollars, but had to pay the bills that were coming in. (I mean...I hate sounding like it is all about me, me, me... I know I do like to spoil the kids from time to time, what Mom don't, but this has been the worst Christmas by far for us.) We found our two birds " Toolakea" and "Mooloolaba" (Finches) dead on the 23rd and I dont know why, then in the evening, my son's Gecko "Crikey" died, then on Christmas Morning I found my Daughter's Hampster "Sugar" lying in his cage barely breathing, I held him in my hands till he passed away an hour and a half later.... The basement caught fire (old electric wires) on Christmas Eve and all the electricity was out for hours. Thank the lord that we were home or I do not know what could have happened. Needless to say I have another 150 dollar bill looming over me that was to fix the electrical damage and get it turned back on. I still have not heard news about the lawyers and etc. fighting us about the land we were supposed to own now. Lord knows I have no money for that and am wondering if I should just give in and lose it as I very well may anyway as I haven't been able to make my payment this month on the house and now the first is coming again and I will not have the money to pay them both. The van payment is due, which is usually paid on time, but WELLS FARGO the company we got it through insists that we carry thier insurance which is twice as much as what I can get it for, so I went with the cheaper insurance of course and now they claim that I refuse to make my payments. I may just come tell them to come take the hunk of crud away, but then I don't know what I would use to get everyone around in. My Saturn is by far not big enough for us all.

My mother seems to think that trouble likes to find me, I guess it does, although I wish it wouldn't. I have tried hard to be a good person, I think. I just keep having this feeling that I have something else in life that I was meant to do...I have been racking my brain trying to figure it out, But I cannot. I do not want to live a life that is about money or about myself. I want to help others and that is what is important to me. The one thing that keeps running through my brain is " step out of the box" like out of your comfort zone persay, but how can I do that when I have to have so many things to deal with here...my kids, the bills, the house, etc. The things that matter to me are my kids...not the house or the car, the bills or anything else, but if I do not pay the bills, how can I have a proper roof for the kids to live under ? It is in my heart to go to the countries in Africa or to Australia to help with wildlife and people, I would like to teach the gospel of the lord all over the world, being a missionary, an animal conseravtionist or just for someone to have a shoulder to lean on. I have wanted to do this for some time, but how...how can I do this ? I have not studied Theology, I have no degree in Zoology, but I know that I cannot handle greedy americans anymore, ones that only have money on thier brains 24/7. I want to be able to help someone or something on another level, a level that only few can obtain and only that few understand. To help someone on that level means to me that you've touched thier souls and not thier pocketbooks. Matierial items do not last, pleasures of the flesh do not last, what lasts is TIME...time with others helping others with your heart - without worring about what you'll get from it, I do not care, I love to see joy in other people and that would be the greatest gift for me in life and while I started to write above it seemed to me to be to be quite selfish, I hate to talk of my self and what is happening to me...but by doing this, now I know what I want to do most of all. With this new year coming, I hope that I can extend all of me into others wants, others needs and who I can help. If I never get remembered for anything, atleast I will want to know I tried. I do not care to donate money,(although I do-when I can) time is more precious, time we cannot get back, time is here for everyone...but how are we using it? I no longer care what people think of me, I care of what I think of my self ! In the end it is me who I have to answer for, not how much money I had or donated, whom I met, or what I did, the things I owned, the clothes I wore or the cars I drove. If love and memories are what you can take with you, that is what I wish for me, I have love and I wish to give that, I have freindship and I wish to give that, I am an extremely loyal, funloving and adventourous person, and I wish to show others how to give and have that. Everything I want to give has nothing to do with money...on a much deeper level it has to do with the soul, love and people. To what for many years I have hated and feared others for the abuse that I have been through, I now know what it is I need to do. I need to give to others, so that in turn I may give to my self. This is what I must do. My most honored person ever on this planet was Steve Irwin and he did not care about money, what others thought of him and most of all himself. Everything in life he did for others and for animals, not for himself and he is whom I most admire, There will never ever be another Steve, but who says we cannot try...if we all lived our lives with a childs heart as did he I really think the world would see peace and love conquer, and if that is what heaven is like I cannot wait to go ! I will end for today as I have babbled enough....

I wish all of you a wonderful new years and I pray for all of you !

God Bless ! TAMMIE