Sometimes I get sick of myself, Monday was one of those days.
This might be a tad long, so bear with me. I am trying, trying to fight . :o)
First, Once the kids got home yesterday, I fixed the snowman outside. I had gone online and looked at 'troubleshooting' ideas for the thing and came to the conclusion that is was the fuse. So, I went outside and fidgetted with it, and sure enough it was ! I had read that inside the plug, there are two fuses, one being used - the other a spare. How nice ... so Frosty is up and running again.
Then once Adam got home, we ran to town the remainder of holiday cards I had left to get out and finally the 6 page letter I wrote to my mom. (She will never 'do' internet, so I had to resort to ancient ways of communication.) Then we ran a load of stuff to that awful Goodwill place in town, I had - had stuff I had gathered a few days ago sitting in the garage, so it was time for it to go. Then I finally made it over to the doctors office to make an appointment. I told her what I would like to see him for and she looked to see when she could get me in. After a few minutes, she looks up from the computer screen and says "I am already into the end of January and he has no openings what so ever ... BUT, you can come in tommorrow morning and make a same day appointment as he will be the doc on call all day, Or you can see the walk in doctor that isn't your doctor". I said thank you, but I will come in - in the moring to make a same day appointment with MY doctor. So at 7:30, that is where I will be. Then off to court at 9 and then back for my appointment. I wish they could have just went ahead and scheduled it, but whatever. I will be glad to see him - this cold has got me so tired all of the time and dragging around, moody and depressed. Surely, something can help ... it has been like 3 weeks it has been steadily hanging around now.
Now, as for the rest of the day yesterday, I made it miserable. Yea... I am good at that. I get so farking focused on the negative things and can't seem to crawl out of that way of thinking. Ugh ! Like a dark cloud is following me, instead it is me following me. I hate it and like I said, I get so sick of myself sometimes.
One minute my head is all "it is going to be fine, things happen for a reason and everything will be fine" THEN ... it does a flip flop on me, and says "what a waste of time, why bother, it isn't worth it."
Negativity is so hard to fight sometimes. I tell myself that I want to be the light of someones world here, but instead I am always stuck focusing on stupid things, being negative and throwing a pity party for myself. I am pretty good at it, or maybe it is I have done it so long it is just habit. Either way, negativity is a contagious thing, just as positivity is. SIGH, so I fear, instead of always coming here and just venting, I am spreading the virus within me.
I wish it would stop. I wish I could just get rid of this whole mentality that I deal with everyday. Christians are supposed to stay with faith and be an ever uplifting spirit, and while my heart keeps telling me the positive things, my head always dismisses them.
Like the whole Christmas thing ... I'll get a sort of wisp of holiday spirit and want to put up the tree, then POOF ! It is gone just as fast. The negatives tell me why bother, no money for gifts, no reason to celebrate. I KNOW that isn't true, but I get STUCK there. Stuck in that thought.
Feeling cruddy the last few weeks is not at all helping either. I have been taking like 2 -3 naps a day the past few weeks and it is pretty irritating. I get coughing spells and feel, just sooo blahhhhhhh. Ya' know, like ya just are so drained and wanna lie down. A cold usually should go away, but this one is haunting me.
So between Gracie the Godzilla girl, feeling blah, and just the normal everyday chores that have to get done, it feels so overwhelming to add more to it. Even 'just' putting up a tree.
So, I think all this crud has brought on a bit of depression. I look through holiday stuff - all that had a certain place in my house, the house that we lost, Then I get sad. I get upset because we lost it and I hate coming here to everyones jolly cheer. Then I get mad because I KNOW I shouldn't be this way. I DO have alot to be thankful for.
So why is it I can't NOT focus on those things ? Why do I think money will buy me happiness and without it, I am nothing. Why can I not just stop being negative and just believe the positives ?!
You all have no idea how hard this is and how tired I get with dealing with it all. I want to have the faith, but it is so hard. Sometimes I want to just run through the house like a rabid animal, freaking out, the kids drive me nuts, the money, the bills, the holidays... so much - so much.
Even if I do speak good things over myself, or listen to positives, the bad still seems to find it's way in and then take over. It is like an addiction. It takes over. I watched my Aunt for years deal with all sorts of addictions ... so gee, maybe I should go to rehab for negativity ! lol. (funny, I am not on drugs, nor do I drink, but I feel like I do.)
Oh well ... right now, I am going to say, that God has a better plan for me, a better house, an better way of life and while this year has seemed like a setback, maybe it was a learning lesson or a way to close one door so another can be opened.
The house we had, while it was our house and I did really like it, it wasn't my dream house. Maybe God wants me to have a better one someday. Maybe he knows something I don't. I keep trying to tell myself things like that. They just never stick around.
Christmas will happen here if it is meant to, good or bad it is going to come anyway ... right ? I want to make the best of it, but dang it, I can't get out of the rut !
Does anyone have any ideas that might help me stop the negatives ?! GAHHH, I just feel so overwhelmed. Stuck. Like no onne truly 'gets' me or understands.
Sorry, I have blathered on so much, bless you if you read all that. It prolly don't make much sence, Yikes. I outta really erase it, but it is the REAL me, so I guess I will leave it.
QUICK ! Someone send me some positve thoughts ! Mine are quickly dimminishing !
Hope ya'll have a good Tuesday ! I will be back later in the afternoon ! Sorry for spreadin the negs again !
UM, okay weird. NO KIDDING, as soon as I hit save , this comes to my Yahoo mail .......
ReplyDelete"An Opportunity for God’s Favor
Today's Scripture
“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him” (John 9:3 NLT).
In the Bible, we read of a man who was born blind. Some people were asking Jesus, “Why was he born this way?” “Whose fault was it, his or his parents?” They were trying to find someone to blame, some reason, some excuse for his condition. And interestingly, we tend to do the same type of thing today. But I love the way Jesus answered them; He said, “It’s not anybody’s fault. The reason this man was born this way was so that the goodness of God could be displayed in his life.” Then He touched the man and healed him.
When you have a setback, when life deals you a tough blow, when the economy is unstable, don’t get bitter. Don’t settle there. Recognize you are a prime candidate for God to show His favor and goodness through. When the storms of life come, your attitude should be, “God, I’m ready! I know You have something great in store! I refuse to live defeated and depressed. I know this difficulty is simply another opportunity for You to show Your goodness through me.”
I think that, although this sounds simple, you fake it until you make it. Put on the happy face, find the small but significant things positive. Christmas isn't about the gift giving, we just have all made it that way. It is about family you love and the birth of Jesus.
ReplyDeleteWorrying about the bills, the house, the holidays, etc. won't change a darn thing. Ever. Worry is pointless. Don't allow yourself to do it.
If you are feeling bad that you can't do Christmas gifts in the traditional way, be creative. Maybe you can cut out pictures of what you want to get the kids and wrap them, telling them that you can get one a week/paycheck after the holidays until they have all gotten their gifts. Or, make a photo collage of each kid and write them a letter telling them what they mean to you. There are things that don't cost anything, or very little, that are meaningful to others.
That email was sent at a time you needed it. Print it out and carry it with you.
Just as you were here when I needed that.
ReplyDeleteThat idea is awesome. Now, you'd think with 5 kids, i would be creative - I used to be, but I'm not. lol. Thank you ! I LUV it !
I know I got lots to be thankful for - it is just so hard to get out of the rut of thinking the other way. :O)
You will get there, and you will be a stronger better person for all that you have gone through. I heard that Rascal Flatts song about the long lost road tonight....everything that we have done in our lives is leading us to something great, we just have to trust that this really is the right road, the one we are meant to be on for some reason or another.....even when it is hard.
ReplyDeleteI LUV Rascal Flatts ! That is a good song. I think I will go listen to it.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great verse to have when you are going through all your stuff.
ReplyDeleteHope you get into the doc today!
I am sorry you are going thru this.. remember that we all struggle with negativity sometimes, so you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you are going to the Dr today! It is hard to be posititve when you don't feel good!
ReplyDeleteEveryone gets down from time to time Tammie! You are not alone!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully the Dr will be able to help with the not feeling good part. It's hard to be positive when you feel like crap.
ReplyDeleteOn the bright side.....You brought Frosty back to life. Yeah!!! ;)
Maybe you need to seek medical treatment for your depression. It can be debilitating and from what you have described you may want to discuss this with your doctor. JMO
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you need to start taking better care of yourself. Getting to the doctor is a great step in that direction. Eat something fresh each day and count your blessings, even the small ones add up before you know it.
ReplyDeleteI did something embarrassing and stupid yesterday putting a huge dent in our van. At first I was beating myself up about it, but later I realized it wasn't worth it. I was worth more than any vehicle. DH also helped me find my sense of humor about the whole thing. I'm refocusing on the gifts God has given me, such as a loving and understanding husband.
Glad you are finally getting into the doctor. Hopefully that will help with things, not feeling good can definitely lead to a funk..
ReplyDeleteget your tree up, that'll be the first step to getting into the holiday spirit!! You can do it!! :)
Well, your not alone. We have all been there. The good thing is you are able to see it, and want to change it. Remember your kids. When you go to your doctor, you should talk to him about this too. ((HUG))
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are having to deal with all this. We all want everything for our children, but remember, having our unconditional love is the most important gift we can give.
ReplyDeleteI'm sory you are going through this, but I can say you arnt going through it alone..as you know from some of my blogs. All we can do is keep the faith that 2009 will be a better year for the both of us! Your in my prayers gf...
ReplyDeleteI also think you should talk to your doctor abdout depression. If there are meds that you need, sometimes the doctors office will give you samples to try before you have to get a prescription filled.
HUGE((Hugs)) to you gf! Luv Ya!
Awwwwwwwwww Tammie another big hug for you! I know how hard it is to focus on the postive. It's very hard. I try so hard to always do that but there is days that I just can't and I wonder why me and will it ever end. Then I think I'll get out but will get back in seems to be the story of our lifes!! Now way to go on Bringing Frosty back to life!! YOU GO GIRL!!! When I read that I thought WAY TO GO TAMMIE!!!! I am glad you got to the doctors and I hope your able to get in okay. I know it doesn't help when your sick at all. Yesterday the kids really pushed a lot of my buttons!!! Just hang in there and vent away all you need! Don't you worry about making us feel bad. That's what friends are here for you know!! I just wish there was something I could do for you, some way to help you out. Just hang in there and know I understand it's very scary what your dealing with and have been dealing with but you have made it so far. Believe me I always wonder how much more can I handle Lord how much more do I have to go through. Life sure isn't easy!!! Big huge hugs to you!!! Love ya lots!!
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea..... I was driving home dropped Adamm off at work the asked the Lord when he planned to stop throwing things at me ?! Ya, know, like some verse goes "he won't give you more than you ca handle or whatever ... but I am seriously about to break here... what more does he think I can take ?!
ReplyDelete"ancient ways of communication" lol
ReplyDeleteYou know my hands hurt from actually writing all my xmas cards out. I am SO not used to writing because I dont ever have to do it!
You may not want my opinion but I do know how hard it is for you right now. It sucks in the worst way possible and I am sorry.
I keep trying to think of how to help and then I thought if I were you what would I do...no money no presents how could I make it better.
Well first I would get that tree up and tell the kids what's going on and that this Christmas it wont be about the gifts (next year will be different) that its all about the love and religious side of it that you can focus on...that's really what's MOST important anyway. I would feel sad without a tree just because its so pretty to look at...it always makes me feel good even when there is not a present underneath.
I would turn on lots of xmas music and let it fill your home. Maybe the kids could make gifts out of cards that say something they will do for a family member....a chore that they know their sibling does like.....make a different goody each night or save up and have a feast of goodies just to do something different. That's all just me. >I would scramble for ways to bring the positive in JUST to show my kids that even when I dont have money I can be happy too without.
I dont know im just rambling what's in my heart at the moment and wishing there was something I could do. I feel bad for you and hope that you can find some spirit.
HUGS and HUGS!!
I am commenting backwards (read your most recent post before this one!) but I will say that negativity breeds negativity. If your mindset is such that you are negative, you will be negative. As hard as it might be right now, the best thing for you to do is to wake up each morning being thankful for what you have and not worry about what you don't. Things will work themselves out the way they are meant to, and if you have to tell yourself 50 times a day to stay positive and tell yourself you are worthy of good things, then that is what you do. But, you have to believe it Tammie. You have to believe that you are worthy of great things and you are. Just hang in there.
ReplyDelete