SOME WORDS

I have been missing a few days, didn't have many words to say. As of still, this season just plain sucks, and I cannot wait till it is over.

I just mainly wanted to clairify that my main reason for being gone is that I guess I am an overly sensitive person. Words of pure hate just never set right with me, and I find it hard - very hard  to understand how people can even  think to speak them.

I thought I was clear in stating that my opinion was just that, MINE. Someone asked the question and I wanted to answer it, I was expecting to hear everyone else's opinions of course, but not the words of hate. Again , the opinion was MINE and I did not think I had forced my beliefs on anyone about it. As many times before, it is peoples choice to read, they don't have too.

Since that time, either myself or they have decided that deletion would be best. All in all, 3 friends gone aren't bad. I have seen worse, but it still what was SAID that hurt so much. It was like a side of satan himself was shown unto me, and not since school did I ever feel so ridiculed, or downgrated for being myself.

I KNOW not everyone agree's with me, that is what makes it MY choice, but a simple I don't agree would have worked if you ask me. But appearantly I am just some white trash, welfare addict who has nothing better to do with her time than to be some barefoot pregnant 1950's 'wifey poo' who raise other people who milk off the system and become low lifes that know nothing.

Basically, that is all I wanna go into, but that is just some. No, it is not something I believe, because I don't freakin even use the welfare system, and ironically for THAT SAME reason ! But it just hurt that even though I had - had these persons on my list for a short time, they had assumed that about me.

I don't think I am that bad. I try to believe that there is good in everyone and just want to make friends, even though I usually have a awful time in doing so. Regardless, I do believe what I believe and that is just me. I can't change that.

So the fact that this holiday season is like the worst ever just makes matters worse. I don't have alot to say on that other than it sucks knowing you can't give your kids the holiday they 'think'  they are going  to have. I can be thankful for the 10 dollars to each, but it is hard. Especially when not that long ago, and for all thier lives, I have always been able to give them whatever they wanted.

I am just SO, SO ready for this year to be over.

As, for me, I am ok. Just ALOT of mixed feelings going through my head about things right now.

I went to the doctor on Sunday, basically not out of want but because I got dizzy and fell over. Adam took me in. I thought I was having a miscarriage and bleeding to death internally. I can be a tad on the hypochondriac side. The room was just moving everywhere - like I was on a boat, I thought for sure I was in shock. That's what I get for going to Web MD again.

Anyway, I am ok. I was so dizzy because I have a HUGE inner ear infection and it was giving me vertigo or something. Truly it was very weird...... and I wasn't having a miscarriage. They checked my hormone levels and platelettes  ... Instead I have several cervical and uterine polyps. Ones that need to be checked out immeadiately. I still have bleeding and so I am thinking they do not know what the hell they are talking about, but the cramping has since stopped.

I am supposed to go back to the doctor tommorrow to get checked again, but I am still expecting and due August 16th.

The polyps scare me a great deal though. My Grandma, Aunt, Mother, and Sister all started out with polyps and they ALL turned into cancer. I have a HIGH risk of it ... but not too much I can do about it - but to be checked again for right now. My mother has had cancer like 4 times, so I am pretty sure I cannot do what I had to see her go through growing up.

Anyway, I have to go back to the doctor and will let you know of the follow up.

So, that is all I feel like saying right now, the kids are home and hungry and the house is filthy and needs to be cleaned .. Oh, and I got like 3 loads of laundry to do again. Yay.

I still don't know that I will be around too much for now. I feel out of place. I don't know why. Maybe after these holiday things are over it will pass, but who knows. :o(

A very BIG HUG a special thank you for all of you who contacted me and made me feel better no other way but letting me know you cared and were concerned. That spoke huge words to me and helped me out of my funk - a little bit. It also means more to me than any of you will EVER know. Thank You.

I hope all of you will have a great holiday !

TAMMIE

 

(and yes, I finally got the tree up, lights on, but nothing else. Maybe today. Nothing like waiting till the last minute, although, I don't see that it really matters, it's just more of an inconveience.)