Brittany's report card was pretty usual, all A's and B's and one C. ... however Jordan 's and I am going to be honest was almost all F's with the exception of one D. I have tried everything I can think of to punish him on his slow downward progression, but nothing is working and clearly this is the worst it has been thus far. He is supposed to graduate in 2010 - but I am afraid that if this continues that just will not happen. As most of you know I am terrified of this because I - myself, never graduated and therefore do not want my children following in my footsteps.
Whenever I bring this up to Jordan - he just brushes it off as no big deal. He says he will join the Army (of course that scares the crap out of me) or he will sweep floors in a race shop till he can work as an apprentice. Sure this might actually work for some, but I don't think this is acceptable. He has been making excuses lately for all these things and not taking them seriously at all - like his actions will have no reaction ... it is driving me madddd !!!!
I know alot of you don't have teens yet, but try to help me by thinking what you might do - oh, say 10 years from now.
I have taken away the phone, the iPods, the computer, the TV, the music - radio or CD's ... we made im quit work at McDonalds and even at the car shop that he used to do work at with a local race driver. He cannot drive right now because in the state of WI, drivers Ed is mandotory now and we cannot afford it - plus he has gotten alot of tardies in school so they will not let him drive until I pay a truency fee of 200 dollars. (dumb huh?) anyway - I have nothing left to take away and I have no idea what to do.... I don't think just letting it slide is right - but nothing else is working ....... and YES, we have taken away the worst of all ... the NASCAR races.. but even that didn't work. He don't have a whole lot of friends who he goes to hang out with or girls that he's interested in - literally ALL he thinks about is cars, cars, cars... ask him anything about cars and he can tell you... BUT HE NEEDS TO do good in school !!!!!
ANY IDEAS - ANYONE - ANYONE ?!?!?!?!!?!? I would appreciate any input ! Seriously !
GAH....
ReplyDeleteOk, besides the grades, how is he acting? Is he hanging out with kids you don't like? Is he not taking care of himself like he used to? And I hate to ask this, but is there ANY possibility that drugs may be involved?
Some kids just really do not do well in school, because their interests lie in other things, and they turn out ok----I know you want him to have good grades and all, but think about his actions and such 'outside' this---is he a good kid in general?
Maybe the more stuff you take away, the more he 'punishes' you by his bad grades. He knows it's super important to you. My brother Roger was like that...fiercely independent and didn't do well with punishment of any kind. After a while, mom let him go his own way, because it was plain to see that he was going to whether she wanted him to or not, and things got better, and he turned out ok.
Maybe, just maybe...letting him go back to work at that car place in return for better grades might work. But not 'after' better grades....let him start back to work and then let him know that you EXPECT better grades for the privilege.
I'm just throwing this all out there... you know mine are young yet, so I've got no practical experience to draw on.....
GAH! I gotta think about this one and get back to you!
ReplyDeleteUnfortuantly, I see my 14 year old son, Griffin, falling into the same thing. He just doesn't seem to think school matters and he slides by on the seat of his pants.
I do know from experience that taking away privledges just makes Griffin mad at me and he's told me that taking away his phone or playstation or social activities isn't going to help him do better in school either. He's told me it will make him try even LESS hard!
Where is the problem with Jordan? Is he just not turning in work or is he failing tests? Griff's school sends home progress reports every couple of weeks and I keep on top of those and see when he needs to improve on turning in work or has to study more for tests. I've also made a point in staying in close contact w/ the school and his teachers and I check in with the periodically. Griffin just knowing I'm keeping a close eye on him makes him work harder. I try to cut him some slack though and still allow him to be involved in things as long as he's trying his best.
I would suggest talking to Jordan and letting him know you will be contacting his teachers and explain to him how you feel. How it's so important to you for him to do well in school because that is his future. Tell him you don't expect A's and B's out of him, but to try his hardest and to succeed! Try to make it really positive!
Geeze...........what I use with my 11year old won't work........we take away the Play station portable and he can not go anywhere except for his room and the house for about 2 weeks:S
ReplyDeleteI just read what Windi wrote...we typed at the same time.
ReplyDeleteWe both agree that taking away stuff will just make Jordan rebell and like I said, I have learned FROM Griffin himself that it doesn't do anything except tick him off.
I agree giving him privledges BACK, but also telling him that you are trusting him to try his best and if he doesn't you will have to put a end to it again.
I, too, didn't finish high school. I rebelled. I wouldn't listen. No punishment worked. I just did what I wanted to do whenever. My parents never ending threats didn't even faze me. I want more for my kids too, but I turned out ok!
Having 5 daughters all but 1 is way past the teenage years, The one thing we found that worked with everyone of them is Leterally Taking them to and From School, we lived in a small town and yes it was a pain in the Butt But it never took longer then a week for them to realize they hated Mom taking them, so we would work out a plan that I would stop taking them as long as they straighted up what ever it was they had messed up, rather it be grades or anything, and the first time they would back slide back into mom's taxi they would go.. So needless to say there wasn';t alot of Backsliding, well expect the youngest daughter now, Nothing seems to work on her as she literally don't care. LOL
ReplyDeleteOh and i think what made mom's taxi that much worse was I always had My fuzzy slippers on and Jammies they hated it LOL...
OH, he's good kid ... just loves to goof off and make people laugh alot - ok, like me , um, when I warm up to peole - but that isn't my point. :)
ReplyDeleteHe's not really been hanging out with anyone new or anything different that I KNOW of ... his behavior is pretty average for him and I really see no chance in drugs... but I am not going to be the type of parent who would say my kid wouldn't do that either. He just is sooooo very non chalant about everything lately ---- its no fun, its a waste of my time, life has more to offer than school - etc etc etc .... He wants a job in the automotive industry, but is just not seeing that people will not hire him if he don't have college. That is a must now a days - even if just a community one. Someone will come along with the degree and they'd hire that person over him just cause that reason. He don't get it. He just brushes it off. It is very irritating.
My parents could have cared less what I ever brought home for grades, but I don't want to be that way. I got a's and b's in everything but math, but still did not graduate because I had him and married Adam at 16.
I know alot of it is immaturity, but like this military kick hes just started - that is a cop out - he is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to nieve and will let thr recruiter talk him into a bomb disposal MOS be sent to Iraq then be killed ---- I am scared to death of that.
He will be 17 July 20th and he can sign up then ... I just don't know what to do ... I'm sure he'll be ok ... maybe he'll turn out fine ... but in the ,meantime ...
I'm going to try your suggestions and hope they work a bit..... WHY do kids think they know everything ???????????????????
I am going through the same thing with my 16 yr old. He keeps getting low low grades. He does have an IEP but that is no excuse as he is in easier classes. He can do the work - he just chooses not to do the work. And his behavior? He would much rather be seen as popular than smart - yet he talks of going to college. I have tried and tried to get the boy to understand that he can be the most popular kid in high school all he wants but when he gets to college and has to explain why he would be a good fit? Popularity won't help his ass one tiny little bit. I have talked to the teachers about going to school with him for a day or two. I just need to get the time off from work to be able to go sit in a class room with him for a couple days. He doesn't think I will do it. WATCH ME!! lol
ReplyDeleteI can remember being the typical I know everything leave me alone kid. Then I dropped out of high school, had 4 kids, and ended up going BACK to school and then College.
I wish I had an easy answer for you. I wish I had an easy answer for me. sigh
Mr. Donny was told that he has 30 days to get his grades up to at least a C or he will be forced to quit his job that he JUST got. We also laid down some ground rules - if he quits (in NH they just passed a law that says you can't quit till you are 18 - thank God) he will be expected to work full-time, pay rent and part of each of the utilities in the house, gas money to whomever has to transport his little butt wherever he needs to go (I refuse to pay for his drivers ed - he wants it bad enough he needs to get his grades up and pay for it himself), just as if he were truly living on his own. There is no free ride in my house. I don't have time for it. I help each of my kids as much as I possibly can but they need to help themselves as well first.
I don't believe the military will take him without a high school diploma. I would check with the local recruiter. I think they changed those rules - at least I hope they have.
I am scared to death that my son/s will choose to enter the military but at the same time I have seen what good it did for my brother - he entered ROTC in high school and is now 35 and only a few years from full military retirement benefits - and am wondering if maybe it would be the best thing for my son/s as well.
I wish you the best of luck - from a fellow mom of a teenage boy who is driving her crazy!!!
Tammie, I think this is something that all kids go through. I have had issues with erica where grades are concerned. She doesn't get the best of grades, and quite honestly, she admitted cause she is bored in school. The work is not a challenge, and taking stuff away from her didn't seem to matter. But she did get a 26 on her ACT's and will be going to Michigan Tech next year. She is graduating a year later than she should have, but she does see where she has made the mistakes. Sometimes, no matter what punishment we dish out, it just doesn't work until the kids see for themselves.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what else to tell ya ...after u take all the privlages away..what else is there?! My Mom used to take everything away and I was grounded till the next Report Card! That usually did the trick!..lol Well good luck! Wish I could be of more help! Hope things get better!
ReplyDeleteI didnt read all the replies but does his school or any local school offer shop. Like in the movie Grease where he can do that part of the school day as his electives?
ReplyDeleteI dont have any kids and basically im thinking of me. I hated school until i went to college where i could take the classess that I enjoyed. Yeah i still had the required crap but I guess as I got older and had to work every day for the rest of my life I wished I was back in school.
I did read one or two of the replies so far but what if you set aside an hour a night (or whatever works) and he has to be somewhere doing school work where YOU can physically see him. If he says he doesnt have homework then he has to do some reading or something that pertains to school. Meg has never struggled with grades but she tells me almost everyday that she has either done it in school or has no homework. When i was in high school we had homework ALL the time and it was much more than middle school.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with giving him the job back too with the trust that he is going to apply himself more.
So the army doesnt care about grades? I would think that would at least look at that?
I know how he feels because I hated school with a passion! I wish I knew what better advice to give you..I know you wont give up because you are a good mom and you care so much!
I have a 14 year old and so far not to bad of problems with her. Nothing serious but I do think taking things away does work but you have to stick to it. I know as a parnet you can forget they aren't suppose to be watching TV or what not and then realize oh shoot they are not suppose to be doing that. I think Trish has great advice about sitting aside an hour a night that he has to work on school. Plus yes grades do matter for army. I would go and have check into it and show him that. Pretty much any good paying job around these days do require a high school diploma. I know a few people that as adults trying to get a job at McDonalds didn't happen because they didn't have high school diploma's, they would rather higher teenagers who they don't have to pay much. Sitting him down with you and your husband(make sure it's the both of you) and go over his future and have him write downt he pro's and con's of his decisions. I think you should try everything you can to get him to get his grades up. I hope it will all work out for you. Hugs
ReplyDeleteSorry; I don't have kids yet so can't really offer any advise but reading all these comments about other people's advise is educating. I'll have to remember this stuff.
ReplyDeletekeep us posted on how things go.
HA HA HA Anne - yea kinda like instructions after all huh ?
ReplyDeleteYeeeaaa, everyone the Army cares about grades - but not to the extent you might think. We know alot of recruiters and they look, but it isn't that big of consideration. You do have to have a diploma though - however they will take you at 17, you may go to basic and AIT - do an occasional thing or two then once you finish HS - they send you where they want. That really isn't that far off here and it scares me.
I don't think hes not doing well because its boring - he just don't want to take the time to apply himself ... he just wants to be goofy and have fun.
OOOOOOOOOH - I was just thinking ya'll ... this is what I will hear "oh yea - I get rewarded now.. " or "MOM.... WHY DOES HEEEEE get rewarded when I would get punished"? ...... they are all constantly comparing eachother and I KNOW I will hear that !!!!
THAT WILL BE MY NEXT PROBLEM !!!!!! GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!
Oh my...I have to go with also give him one job back......you may want to sit him down and explain to him that the military does now care about grades...I understand you being scared about the military...that is my worst fear also that my son Tyler will join the military in 4 short years...in these days and times it is very scary.....I know...I wasn't military but I did my share of scary crap a year ago in Iraq.....just remember being a mom is the toughest job...HUGS girl you rock.....you are doing great
ReplyDeleteThis is just something he has to go through but the most important thing is you stick to the consequences you've given him without faltering so they don't become just idle threats. Make sure he knows that when he starts taking school serious and bringing his grades up he will slowly get his hobbies back. While my daughter was grounded recently for her grades we made her take notes while she was in her room so we knew that she wasn't just sitting up there mindlessly. Also for about at least an hour each day we allowed/made her come down and do things with the family so she wasn't alienated from us, that was her free time. When she received her last report card her grades were back up but she still struggles because at 16 her head is into boys and other things when she goes to school. Try not to freak out or get emotional over it... remember it's our responsibility as parents to teach and provide our children with the knowledge and tools to grow up and be successful, it is not a reflection on you or your parenting if they choose to not utilize what they've been given. He will come around :) they always do!!!
ReplyDeletePrayers and God's blessings for you and your family!!
Is something else going on at school maybe that you don't know about? I'm not sure what you should do~does he need a tutor or is he just not trying at all? I would maybe talk to the counselor at school. Sorry I can't really help you..hugs..
ReplyDeleteYou know what? You need to remind them that they are all individuals and as such will be treated differently, and they need to get over that. Period.
ReplyDeleteI've already told Trevor and Calvin that their punishment will be different because they are different kids. They are close enough in age that they also compare everything like that. I'm trying to nip that in the bud!! :)
Good point Win ... I've been dealing with that along time obviously .... but just never worded it that well, I guess. :O) Dang you could be like super nanny !!!!
ReplyDeleteLOL :o)
naw...I'd make a horrible super nanny! You gotta remember, I was number 8 of 9 kids so I learned a lot from mom...she's got the best advice, after having 9 kids in 16 years!! :)~ I learned it all from her!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is hard. Because it is obvious that he is beyond caring. We as parents can't care FOR them, you know?
ReplyDeleteI see that you have taken alot away. But there is obviously SOMETHING that is keeping him content and not care about his grades and such. What is he doing? I mean, he obviously isn't sitting there on the couch staring at the wall for hours after school before he goes to bed. Is he in his room? Maybe try taking his door off his room. If it is the silent privacy that he is fine with.
I don't know. Like you said, some of us aren't Mom's of teens yet. So, it is super hard to know just what to do unless you have hands on experience and even that might not help you. As all kids are so VERY different.
I hope you guys can come up with something. Your right he NEEDS to graduate. If we think it is hard NOW in life, wait 10 years down the road, if he at least doesn't have a diploma, the 'kid next door' will snatch his dreams.
EXACTLY ..... but we do not know what that something IS that keeping him content.... he has forever been that way, even as a baby he'd rather havebeen all alone in his car seat, played alone - he's always liked it that way best.
ReplyDeleteHis room is in the "attic" and don't have a door ... so I can't take it off.... gahhh, I really have racked my brain today trying to think of anything that could be going on with him. I think tommorrow I will actually pull him aside and talk, I was just to worked up today to do so.
Yea, I think a good nights sleep and some chillin out about it will be best.
Thank all you guys for your advice - it means alot to me. :O)
Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh thank you - I just remembered that you all had asked what he does when he gets home.... well, since everything gets taken, he reads ---- about cars - of course, what else ..... do you take away reading ??? Yikes.... this is so tough.
ReplyDeleteI heard a good thing on TV just now tho - the second I DON'T say anything - is the second I start not caring...... I hope he realizes I do care.
ReplyDeleteI don’t have a teenage child yet so I’m not sure if my advice is really good. But here goes….
ReplyDeleteWith mostly all F’s on his report card is there a chance for him to pass the grade if he keeps slacking off? Has the school contacted you about his grades? Just asked because maybe the school has an idea on how you can motivate him to get his grades up. Perhaps a chat with the guidance counselor to see what’s bugging him?
Anyway, it looks like he’s very stubborn/headset and no matter what you take away from him it doesn’t even seem to faze him. Maybe he is rebelling with worse grades because of it who knows.
Since he’s really into working on cars is there a vocational school around you? I remember lots of guys from our school moving to the vocational school junior year and taking shop instead. If I remember correctly the vocational school gives you classes PT and then you work PT in your field.
All F's -is there no subject he does well in at all? I recall when I as in school at that age, all I wanted to do at school was look at girls and goof off with my friends. Had no idea what I wanted to do when I got out of school . At least he does have a passion for cars and thinks he knows what he wants but yes , you gotta have a diploma of some sort. A good talk may help or maybe a talk from the guy that owns the shop where he was working ?? Just a thought --god luck and try not to worry toomuch ,we are all individuals and go about life in different ways .....luv ya (and Jeff was nowhere to be found at the race or his car -just his pit box and his tires lol,I did see him walking to driver intros holding Ella !! )
ReplyDeletenow that's a good idea. Take him to the source, so he can see what it's gonna take to find a good job.
ReplyDeleteJust lurking through today... WOW! I do not have much advice on this. I fear for when My kids are teens. I feel I struggle in the parenting department now as it is and my oldest is 7!!!
ReplyDeleteI just think maybe keep on stressing how you guys just want a better life for him, you want to see him suceed and by failing and not getting a good education, its not going to get him there! Its just setting him up for more failure down the road.
THis is a hard one..... You guys are trying and you just do the best you can and hope things work out!!! Dont be hard on yourself about it though!
Good luck!!!
I am sorry that I have words of wisdom for you. It looks like you have lots of good advice! Goood luck!
ReplyDeleteWell I can't offer any more than what everyone else has said. So I'll just say I hope he shapes up, good kid or no, good grades matter. good luck, you!
ReplyDeleteWowsers! I am so NOT looking forward to my kids growing up!!! But it looks like everyone has some great advice above!
ReplyDeleteI would just let him know, like it or not, school is important. And years from now, he will look back and wish he had tried harder. These are the easiest years of his life right now, and when he has to go out in this big, bad world, he'll have regrets. Let him know you are trying to do what is best for him, and you want the best for him!
Ok, you know I don't have kids. So I can't tell you what to do. But from reading your post, and all the other replies, I have a thought I don't think anyone has voiced.
ReplyDeleteWhen you described his attitude, it sounds to me like he's given up. Like he doesn't think he deserves to aspire to anything higher than sweeping up a car shop. Is it possible that a) he has a learning disability of some sort, where he just can't seem to process what the teacher is saying....and he's masking it by goofing off and adopting an I-don't-care posture? or b) could he be suffering from depression, and thus really doesn't care what the future holds, because he can't imagine even getting there?
I'm pointing these out, because he sounds a good bit like my brother was in high school. My brother suffers from depression. He also could not process what his math teachers were saying. The man could tell you anything you wanted to know about military tactics of various super powers in various wars. He is a History nut. But the only person on this planet who could ever get him to understand math....is me. And that's 'cause I think like him.
I'm just saying....everyone is different. Jordan might not be depressed, or have a slight learning disability. I'm just thinking, when you described him, my non-parent mind thought "it sounds like he's given up." And why would that be? If that were the case...punishing him wouldn't have an effect, because he'd already be punishing himself.
Holy Crap Chali, that did make alot of sence .... I have an appointment with his guidance counselors and teachers at his school tommorrow afternoon ... I'm going to bring this up. Thank you. :O)
ReplyDeleteWow, there is a lot of good advice here.
ReplyDeleteA few months back, I posted a blog, asking for advice on Ny, and how I could get her grades up, as well as some other issues. The strategy I used with her turned out quite well. Ny gets horribly embarrassed, soooo easily. So, instead of the normal groundings, or taking away the phone, video games, computer priveledges, etc...I punished her with ME! Muahaha. I would show up at school, to unexpectedly pick her up. I would drop in and check on her, and check with her teachers, to see what work, if any, she was missing. Sometimes, when I was out running errands, I would stop by her school, and just walk by her class rooms, so she would see me, and wonder what I was up to. She would get out of class some days, and there I would be! Surprise! She was mortified.
All I required was that she had all her work turned in. That seemed to be her biggest problem. I know that in classes like math, she isn't going to get straight A's. But you know what happened? Once she was motivated to get that work all turned in (to get me out of her hair, how embarrassing! ), she starting understanding math way better. Now, her math teacher has her helping other students with assignments!
Anyhoodle, that's what worked for me. I didn't yell, I tried not to be negative, in fact I was down right cheery. But, I did not get off her back until I had confirmation that all her assignments were turned in.
H aha a- thank you --- that would work for Brittany, but with Jordan - to give an acurate discription of him would be a mix of Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler. Yeeea, Try living with that. He is sooo hilarious and don't get embarrased by anything. I have texted his friends really weird messages and all he does is to laugh... I've tried picking him up at school and he ends up embarrassing me !!!! For crying out loud, he loves attention, and I was thinking maybe that is his game, but is he seeking negative kinds of attention or does he really just think being goofy will be his ticket. I just don't know. I can be really hard to find the serious side of him cause he is always such a funny guy, but I know he has one, just most of the time I find it utterly hard to stop laughing at him.... that is not a good thing !:O(
ReplyDeleteThat IS only a good thing for when my depression is getting to me, yea he fixes that pretty quick...
OYYYY..... I am going to try just a bit of everyones advice though, like a colaboration ..... maybe I can come up with something.