Written word.

There is a lot that can be said for written word. How easily time transcends through them, how we can feel transported by reading someone's thoughts, and be a part of any story, all done just by written words.

I have been an awful blogger, I find it so much easier to post and run instead of trying to word out my thoughts as I used to do. Let it be said however it would benefit me greatly if I actually made myself sit and carry on with more than a status here or there.

I find many times that I feel overwhelmed with the slurry of thoughts that converge on my mind to share, I have so much to say and yet don't want to say it in any manner that wouldn't benefit anyone. I know looking back now that some of the things that have happened to me in my life, have happened to me for a reason. I wish to share them and believe I have a story. 

From being severely bullied, marrying young and then finding Christ I believe many people can relate to the life that I have experienced. It has been said that ... 

and this saying is something I believe with all my heart. Let my experiences be something others can learn from and listen to, instead of feeling for themselves. Let the things that have happened to me, show others there is a light at the end of the tunnel and even though maybe it is bleak, maybe you have to claw to get yourself out of that tunnel, that in fact, it is worth every last breath to fight.

I don't know when and not sure how but I have it placed on my heart to share through writing words, my experiences so others can see just what words can do to others by either hurting them or helping them.

Please pray for me in these new endeavors. I feel strongly that this is the direction The Lord is leading me. Thank You.

Tammie

Spring has Sprung !

  It has once again been a long while since I last blogged. I am a bad blogger. I mean to sit and write, yet with the ease of Facebook and the drive by posting, random spurts of nonsense and quick quips of opinion it can seem easier for the moment than to sit and think out a whole post. Winter months have always been hardest on me and I never feel much like writing. Spring comes and gives way for me to take the shackles off of hibernation. 

  Faith has been a great and marvelous thing I have been learning the past few months and I've had a while to sit back, think and pray about the things in my life, as well as what the Lord's will may intend. Spring is a wonderful time to showcase the blossoming we might have been going through, that the winter has brought about. I certainly hope to be doing so in the upcoming months into summer and share with you all lessons I have experienced. I have felt a deep sense to write more often and share again, not just for myself but for the glory of the Lord. For in all things he has a plan.

  The snow is melting, the buds on the trees starting to grow. In the dirt you can see the sprouts starting to form. The sound of children waif through the air and the vigor to get outdoors is once again more pronounced. Spring is an awakening of so many things and the Lord has promised us that we would again, see joys in the spring.

"For behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land."

~ Song of Solomon 2:11-12 ~ 

The Worst Gift to Give ...

  A few Christmases ago, I was different than I am now. I wanted to make the holidays perfect for my children. Perfect in the world's sense of the meaning, and not my own. Certainly not in Christ or the meaning of Christmas. Everything had to be wrapped super neat with paper and a bow. We would shop for months picking up every thing we saw or thought that child would like so that Christmas morning was one where the kids would come down the stairs and be in utter disbelief, at what sat before them on that morning.

 At the time and for years before hand it was just how things were always done. Since we were first married it was something we had both thought was something that would bring happiness, laughter and love. I was 16 when I got married, this is how things worked while I grew up, so surely it had to work for me as well. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that what came of such, isn't actually the way it worked out. It took me many years to figure out that the packages and bows aren't all they are cracked up to be.

 Sure, we seemed happy enough, the kids would sit mesmerized at what "Santa" had brought, had left for them and the mere fact, that he had even eaten their cookies. Staring at wonder and amazement at all the glittering bows and shiny paper, fingers would ravage and sounds of glee were heard. Since that time however, I have learned now, that wasn't the only thing that "Santa" left behind with him those mornings.

 Consumerism and materialism are at a height in our country, and it didn't dawn on me till we almost lost everything that receiving LESS, is actually MORE. Sure, call me stupid, for not heeding the warnings. This was at a time my husband had a great job, we had a good amount of money and just 3 children. All my older children ever knew was name brand clothing or high end toys. I don't honestly know now; looking back, if I did it for me ... or for them. What did they know about toys or the value of something ? Who taught them the value of these things ? I had thought for many years it was others ... when all the time it was actually me.

  My oldest is now 21 and I can see him doing things that now honestly, I wish he wouldn't, but he got it from me, because of moments like this. Never once did I ever think to make the holidays something of less, so that it would be so much more. Never had I thought that in teaching them so little they would actually learn so much. In my neglect prior to becoming a Christian, my kids only knew Christmas as the holiday that you were given gifts by the big red suited guy. Maybe if you were good you got a bit more and if you were bad, that left you on the naughty list.

  Truth is, Should I ever have told my children they were being watched all the time or being put on a naughty list by some complete stranger ? Why should their behavior become different to gain "gifts" from others, especially that of Mom and Dad. Our love as parents,  should be unconditional, unbias, never faltering and always there, but just saying it with words doesn't make it so. Actions need to follow.  My children shouldn't have had to act differently to win some approval of a guy in a red suit. That was never even the meaning for the holiday, yet I was taught this and was following that of which I was taught. There in, the things and stuff became more important.

  Don't get me wrong, it is great to have an imagination, but carrying on like this makes the holiday so much more about the gifts and less about Christ. So little about the people in our lives and more about the things they can give or can do for us. All those years of raising my oldest children I spent shopping for petty little things. Things I do not even think we have anymore. Those were times I should have spent playing a game or reading to them. Making cookies or spreading joy to others, even beyond our own doors. Time is a priceless gift. It cannot be bought, returned or exchanged and is FREE. Love, much the same, comes better when earned and not bought. I had no clue.

  Now I see it and have made a change, my younger children do not know the holidays as our eldest ones did. What you see before you under that tree, would be enough for all now, let alone just the 3 kids at the time. I learned the hard way the worst gift I could give, was in the thoughtless and numerous things  I thought were going to bring happiness. Momentary and temporary happiness was quickly gone along with the years. Those presents, now don't matter anymore than they did sitting on the shelves in the store before I bought them. Maybe a few have stayed, some broke, some ended up in a yard sale or at Goodwill ... but the lasting impression of "too much" is what the children learned more so than what was under the paper.

  It is so easy to loose sight of the fact that their is in deed a bigger picture than what we can see. Life is but a vapor and gone before we know it. We shouldn't spend what time we do have here worried about things to fill under the tree, what our kids are going to think, what their friends might think of them or the nieghbors, because in the end, all that will really matter is the time. The people in our lives bear so much more significance than that of just objects. It is so easy to get entrapped into the way the world wants us to think today and not that there ever was a day Christ was born. Simple fact is, we have a savior, he was born on Christmas and we have to be the generation to break the cycle of consumerism and materialism. Our kids deserve that, they deserve the best us, instead of the best "stuff" from us. Years down the road, the stuff will have no meaning but instead what is remembered is the time we spent with each other.Those times will be passed to thier children and then thier children.

 The Bible tells us in Matthew, Chapter 6, verses 19 and 20 "

 

 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal;
but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal".

 

What we were given on the day of Christmas was the gift of life, through Jesus who was born on this day. If we hold life sacred, knowing that this, above all else we see or do, knowing that we came in and shall leave the earth with nothing, all the things we posses, except for life itself, are not ours and therefore mean nothing. Let us remember .. or at least start to learn this holiday that it shouldn't be about the paper or bows, the guy in the red suit, the cookies or the things that are given, but life itself, that is the greatest gift of all.

 

Tammie

Deprogramming

  Growing up, more so in later years, I often felt as if I had no one. Not family, not friends, and not God. No one certainly understood me or the thoughts I would think. Looking back I knew I had some, but I am one who closes off and in turn, I turned others away, while what I really wanted was to draw them closer.

 The funny thing is now that I am older, I still have the habits ingrained in me that once were there years ago. My goal has been to try to change those old habits and thus myself. I knew it was something that would take a lot of time. I went from one way of being and living life, to a totally new one. I have been told that my character lacks in places, yet, get told I am strong in character because I wanted to change how I was. It really is harder to deprogram ourselves; than it is to deprogram a computer.

  It took years for me to learn ways of thought, ways of accepting or looking at things. Everything we do is a part of so much that we do, that often we do not even realize when it is we are doing things, saying things or acting in certain ways we always have. I didn't like what I saw one day, and then it was I knew I wanted it to change.

  That was a few years ago and every day, some days are a fight. I do constantly hear the "I cant's" or "I shouldn't" do things. If I had been let to grow and be myself, I would be a lot different than I am now. I don't necessarily know if that is a good thing or not, but whatever the case, I am not there now. I am here. The road I had to take was my own. It wasn't pleasant or anywhere near perfect. A lot of people see the outside and not the inside. They see what you type, but not your heart. They don't know where you have been, they don't have your soul, so therefore it is impossible to have walked in your shoes.

  It is so easy for us to say what we would do in an others instance. " I would have done this", or " done that, instead" ... when all the while we really cannot truly say what we would have done, because it was not us who lived it. I don't think we should ever try to assimilate what someone elses' journey was like or the outcome that would have been different, had it been us.

  It is hard for me to accept positivity when I was raised in such a negative environment. Growing up I had times of daily depression because of surroundings or just having to go to school. Being beat up near every day had begun a regime in me that only proliferated what I was being dealt. The things I had been told for YEARS started to stick and the ugly truth was, that since that time it is very hard for me to believe otherwise than those words often spoken to me during those times.

  I now know that often what negative people spew at us, is in fact something that is within them that is lacking, but there are those few sentimental souls it really can effect. I was one. From EVERY direction nothing but negativity seemed to be thrown and me and it appeared as though I was programmed to handle only as such. As the years went on, I went out on my own I realized that I didn't like the way I saw myself. I was very negative toward others and especially my own self. I did not see any value in myself, so how could others ? Still to this day at 38 years old, this honestly is something I struggle with. On a daily basis, I have to literally fight with the old way of being, into making myself think a new way. If you think this is an easy task, especially for someone who tends to over think almost anything, you are very wrong.

  When negative situations arise, it is SO easy for me to fall back into the trap of thinking as I always had. It was true to form as yesterday rolled around and we found out our refrigerator had died... while full of food. This brought out the ugly in me I do not care to see. I do not like that years back I never felt there was someone I could trust to handle or provide needs, so when things arise, I go into a flight or fight response to the situation and accept that there is and only ever was me, to handle most things. I over think things way too much and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I know the situation isn't as bad as I make it out to be sometimes, but it is just all too easy to fall back into the pattern that for what years I was programmed into. It is almost a comfort to find myself back in a place I am so familiar with, regardless if I like it or not. 

 I know the Lord is there, it has taken YEARS for me to learn this and try to get my mind to settle on the fact that it is actually okay for me to be accepting of. I have never in my life felt as if he, or one one else were someone I could turn to. Something so few seem to really comprehend. We had a lot of food to throw out... but the situation could have been far worse and that was what I should have been thinking. I know the Lord will provide with a blessing in some way over this. I should not have settled so easily with the thought of where the money would come from for a new fridge, just be still and know that it would. If I am going to walk and speak of faith, I should be one perhaps to try it.

  I am still learning, every day is a struggle of some kind, A battle in my mind somewhere to combat the evil, nasty lies I was once told. I don't have to believe them anymore, no one chooses this but me. In the end it will matter to no one but God. I know this all, but forgive me if it is still hard for me to accept when immediately my response is to do as I have always done.

  No one knows each others paths, we all are different for reasons far beyond our own understanding. The Lord knows and we have to choose to give it to him and let him guide our lives, instead of us being so stubborn and wanting to be in charge ourselves. In the end we will look back and see that those big things we thought were mountains to climb, were indeed just hills to get us to where it is we truly belong.

Tammie